Caged Movie Reviews

100 Tears (2007)

2008-02-18T20:40:00.001-08:00

Director: Marcus Koch

Writer: Joe Davison

Tagline: Everyone loathes a clown…

Actors: Raine Brown, Joe Davison, Georgia Chris, Jack Amos, Kibwe Dorsey, Rod Grant, Norberto Santiago, Brad Rhodes, Leslie Crytzer, Jerry Allen, Jeff Dylan Graham

Runtime: 1h 32m

Category: Slasher

Synopsis: For the past twenty years, the East Coast has been the target of gruesome murders by a killer known as The Teardrop Killer. No definable evidence has ever been found and dozens of people are still reported missing. It seems like there is no end to this killing spree while the FBI continues to twiddle their collective thumbs and build one hell of a case file. Lucky for them, up incoming reporters Mark and Jennifer have decided to veer away from the ridiculous confines of the tabloid world, and venture into darker territory. As their investigation snowballs, they stumble across some clues that point them in the direction of a traveling circus…that just so happens to be in town. New revelations form as they get closer and closer to finding out the truth behind The Teardrop Killer and his bloody mission.

Review: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, come one come all and read the very first review written about our first official DVD screener! Now for those of you who may not know what a screener is, I shall enlighten you. A screener is a DVD-quality copy of a feature film developed by the director, writer, or Production Company for distribution among reviewers, such as myself, and film festivals. They are NOT an illegal copy! The writer Joe Davison was kind enough to send us our very first official screener. We’re movin’ on up!

The story, as the synopsis reads, follows Mark and Jennifer on their whirlwind adventure in tracking down and cracking the mystery of The Teardrop Killer. I was honestly not expecting too much out of the story, sorry Joe, no offense. But I was treated to more than your average slasher-story. The story is well thought out, albeit compact, interesting, and overall enjoyable. The reason I mention it being compact is because it seemed like all of the information we were looking for was told in an instant. I do understand that you want to build suspense and not give everything away at the beginning but, I was just not expecting to be hit with so much information at once. I think it hindered the story somewhat in the fact that once the info started flowing, we had to start remembering names and scenarios that hadn’t been important since the beginning of the film…when they mattered the least. I don’t think that the story was bad at all, it was actually very good…just too heavy in that one spot.

The acting I was expecting to just completely destroy. Unfortunately…I can’t. I was very surprised to see as much commitment out of the actors as I did. They all seemed to hit the mark and make their characters relatable and understandable. Especially Mark and Jennifer; their chemistry on screen was fantastic! I thoroughly enjoyed their conversations and they were able to make it feel like they were really together. It’s nice to see that sometimes; considering most films today are too hung up on scare tactics and A-list celebrities. I was also pleased with Jack Amos’ acting as the killer. Not a single word was uttered by this character…old-school! That character was the epitome of the old-school slasher character. Very well done!

The script was also not what I had expected. As many of you know, or at least may have heard, or are just finding out, I usually don’t mention the script in my reviews. The only time I do is if the script was awesome, dreadful, or just worth mentioning. Here…it’s worth mentioning. For a feature film to pay such careful attention to their characters, story, and their gore (coming up), and still dish out a solid script…that’s worth mentioning. It was not your average over-the-top or your occasional obvious-I’m-reading-from-a-cue-card script, but it was just a good script dropped into a vat of delicious milk chocolate fudge, served with a side of blood.

The gore…oh, the gore! Again, for those of you who know, or know of me, I’m a sucker for cover art. I will rent or even buy a movie if it has sweet cover art. Most of the time the cover art is the only good thing about the movie…not here! The cover art for this film lives up to the film itself with flying colors! Never in my sixteen months of reviewing have I ever been treated to such a well-blended compilation of everything that makes a horror movie. Most of the time you have to wait at least fifteen to twenty minutes for any good kill scenes in a regular movie…again, not here! Right off the bat, just like Barricade (2007), we get a full dose of what this killer is made of. No sugarcoating, no bullshit…pure, unadulterated gore! Get an eyeful! These effects were done with such precision at times that it almost looks real. Only a diehard would be able to produce gore of this caliber. I must say…one of the goriest movies I’ve ever scene.

Rating: 22. Overall this film was amazing! I would have liked to see some ballsier camera work though. It seemed like the shots, although not bad, could have been phenomenal given the chance. The only other thing that bothered me was Raine Brown’s character near the end of the movie. I don’t think it’s her, I think it’s just the way the character was written; almost like a Edwin Neal’s character as the hitchhiker from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974). Here’s what it is; it seemed like the character was trying too hard to be like the great characters before them. Does that make sense? Oh, well. As a final note (not a Final Thought…I’m not Springer!): this film embodies everything good about horror movies…and screw the critics on IMDb! As much as I love their site, there’s no way it could have only gotten a 2.2/10. That, my friends, is why I’m a reviewer…not a critic. (22of25).

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (2005)

2007-12-27T21:14:00.000-08:00

Director: David Lee Fisher

Writer: David Lee Fisher, Hans Janowitz, Carl Mayer

Tagline: What force drives a man insane?

Actors: Judson Pearce Morgan, Daamen J. Krall, Doug Jones, Lauren Birkell, Neil Hopkins, William Gregory Lee, Randy Mulkey, Time Winters, Richard Herd

Runtime: 1h 26m

Category: Killer, Psychological

Synopsis: A traveling fair has stopped in the small town of Holstenwall. Along with it comes a shifty fellow named Dr. Caligari. He obtains his permit from the town clerk to operate his sideshow; one featuring a somnambulist named Cesare. The next morning, the town clerk is found dead – murdered! Alan begs his friend Francis to go but, when his future is predicted by the somnambulist, he finds that he only has until dawn to live. Cesare’s prophesy bears fruit as a town-wide manhunt begins for the mysterious killer. All seems calm after a man is captured trying to murder an elderly woman; they believe they have found the killer. That night, Jane, Francis’ fiancée, is attacked and carried off into the sunrise – by none other than Caligari’s Cesare! Can Francis discover the truth about Caligari before it’s too late?

Review: I copied and pasted the synopsis from the 1920 version I reviewed because I could not describe it any better. This film is basically an exact replica of the original film of the same name. I had some high hopes for this considering my elevated admiration for the silent version. Unfortunately I was treated to one of the biggest slaps in the face since they remade House of Wax (1953).

The story was exactly the same. Nothing left out…nothing added. I was basically watching the original over again with very poor acting. I do believe that I was not impressed with anything in this movie but, I must, as an objective critic, continue with the review.

The acting was altogether laughable and sad. I actually wanted to turn it off at one point. Even the guy who played Cesare didn’t do a good job. I think the entire cast missed the mark. The only thing that saved this area from becoming a goose-egg was the absolutely luscious Lauren Birkell. I swear, man, you could bounce quarters off those things in that dress. Damn!

The effects were of yet another low. From what I understand, this film was actually supposed to be an “exact remake” of the original. This was to include the exact sets and backgrounds used by its predecessor. They did just that. The entire movie was shot in front of a green screen so that the backgrounds and sets could actually BE the original ones. I found this to be quite disturbing in a way. They basically took a landmark film and flushed it down the toilet. I was so disappointed that I had contemplated giving up remakes altogether (but not really).

Rating: 3. There is a rating strictly because of the addition to Ms. Birkell to the cast. I think it would be safe to say that she is the only reason to ever torture yourself with this film. I’m so depressed now, I can’t even go on… (3of25).

A Dead Calling (2006)

2007-12-27T21:12:00.000-08:00

Director: Michael Feifer

Writer: Michael Feifer

Tagline: A Long Forgotten Past…A Much Deadlier Future

Actors: Alexandra Holden, John Burke, Sid Haig, Leslie Easterbrook, Bill Moseley, Caia Coley, Timothy Oman, Micah Costanza, Mike Korich

Runtime: 1h 31m

Category: Ghost, Killer, Supernatural

Synopsis: Rachel Beckwith is a big-time reporter/journalist with everything going for her. Home late one night, she crawls into bed with her fiancé and they hold each other until they fall asleep. Rachel is woken up by her cat doing cat-stuff downstairs, only to discover that they are being robbed! During the frenzy her fiancé is killed. She completely shuts down and moves in with her parents. Months later, thinking she is alright to go back to work, she gets a job at the local paper as a reporter. Her first assignment is to do some research on the town’s architecture. Her first stop is the house of Frank Sullivan, a jailed murderer. She becomes obsessed with the house and the beings that haunt it. With the help of her boss Stephen, they try to get to the bottom of her obsession; which yields some shocking results!

Review: This movie was difficult to summarize because the story was so jam-packed. I did my best to give a detailed synopsis without any spoilers. If I failed…bite me.

The story was not all that bad; when it picked up. I have not seen a movie that was so dreadfully boring that I actually started to doze off. But once the action picked up, it never let go. I do have to say that this story was actually a pretty good one, almost like a properly-made J-movie. My only other complaint is that the ending was easier to see than Brittney Spears’ crotch (sorry Kari…ah you). I was so obvious who Rachel was and why she was so drawn to the house. I mean, c’mon…at least make me work for it…Damn!

The acting was not as good as I had hoped. I think part of it has to do with the fact that the only role I know of the very tasty Alexandra Holden is from Friends when she played a naive college chick. Along the same lines, the only roles I know of Sid Haig being in are those of the bad guy. It was so weird to see him as a nice, loving father with a heart of gold. I’m used to the clown make-up and the F-bombs. The whole thing just seemed strained and uncomfortable. Plus, I don’t like change!

The gore and effects were actually not all that bad. I would have liked to see more, obviously, but I think that for the sake of the story and the circumstance, it sufficed. It was done well and with master-like skill, but not in proper quantities. I think that if a slice ‘em and dice ‘em scene would have been added…it would have been sa-weet!

Rating: 12. I think I would see anything with Alexandra Holden in it; and Sid Haig is one of my favorite horror movie leads. Unfortunately, once the norm is compromised…the Dogs of War are set free. But the end of the story did give it that little extra to keep it in honorable mention status. In conclusion, this film was a let down in most areas, and instead of leaving me with good memories, I was left with numb ass-cheeks. (12of25).

Winter of the Dead (2005)

2007-12-27T21:09:00.000-08:00

Director: Markus Heiskanen

Writer: Markus Heiskanen, Jere Vainikka

Tagline: [None]

Actors: Pasi Martikainen, Antti Riuttanen, Kirsti Savola, Teemu Salonen, Markus Heiskanen

Runtime: 36m

Category: Zombie

Synopsis: After a nuclear holocaust, the world as we know it is stuck in an endless winter. We follow Toni, a lone survivor in these harsh times, in his day to day lifestyle. We eventually meet Risto; a neighbor of Toni’s who seems to be less uptight about the whole end of the world scenario. Those who have not died from the radiation or starvation have turned into flesh-hungry zombies who attack Toni and Risto mercilessly. One day Toni finds a woman in the snow and brings her home. Her name is Juontaja and has come from a nearby town after having been overrun by the undead…she is the only survivor. Eventually the zombie attacks become too much for the three of them and they are forced to mobilize. Can they escape these relentless zombies or will they feel the icy grip of frozen death?

Review: First off, I’m very tired. I’ve just written like six reviews in a two hour period and frankly, I’m wiped out. This is what happens when you procrastinate! Anyway, this is another one of those damn subtitle films that make you read your way through the movie. Thank God this film kicked ass because the subs were starting to mock me personally.

The story is a refreshing variation of The Last Man on Earth (1964) with Vincent Price. Actually, all of The Last Man on Earth (1964) playoffs were played off of the original story by Richard Matheson. Only in Matheson’s story, the creatures were vampires. But all of this is no never mind to you. This story is not slow, it is not boring, and in no way is it knockable. I loved the story to death…no pun intended. I thought it was a clever spin from the others of its kind, leaving it in a category all its own.

The acting was superb. It was very 28 Days Later… (2002) feeling. Not many people can hold a movie all or even most of the way though. But all three characters were very well executed and were done in a manor not know to the U.S. It’s been a while since I’ve seen character commitment like that. The last film I saw with that kind of stability was I Am Legend (2007). Even though a lot of Americans won’t understand what they are saying, myself included, they are compelling actors all the same.

The gore was not as present as I had hoped. I was hoping for some close-up head-shots or a zombie munchin’ away on some poor soul. But even though I did not get what I wanted, I was treated to some very wonderful subtle gore. The amount of control over the gore and blood spatter was very, very well done. The make-up and effects were also of the same caliber. Like I said before…a lot about this film surprised me.

Rating: 23. This was an absolute treat for me to watch. Very I Am Legend (2007), very The Last Man on Earth (1964) feeling. If you cared at all for either of those films, find this one. If you can’t find it, try my friends over at HorrorFlix…they have everything. In summation, with some steady gore control and terrific direction and acting, you are sure to love this film by our comrades to the East (between Sweden and Russia…I know…I had to look too!). (23of25).

Deadline (2002)

2007-12-27T21:06:00.000-08:00

Director: Jonathan Kray

Writer: Michel Bonset, Jonathan Kray, Jan Willem Peters, Ruben Taneja

Tagline: [None]

Actors: Cas Jansen, Anjali Taneja, Willem Emo, Dorus van der Meer, Dirk Beemster, Floris Bakker, Ruben Taneja, Wende Snijders, Javier Guzman, Michel Bonset, Henny Stoel

Runtime: 21m

Category: Zombie

Synopsis: After a bio-hazardous spill at a chemical factory, precautionary measures have been taken to assure the public that everything is under control. Unfortunately, you cannot control everything. Mosquitoes end up taking in some of the waste and causing horrible mutations in humans who have been bitten.

That same night, a video game design corporation is on a deadline to finish their latest creation. During all the commotion, one of the team members gets bitten by an infected mosquito. The supervisor, Mike, decides to send another team member after the first to find out what was taking so long. Mike soon finds out that his crew has become flesh-hungry zombies!

After the outbreak in the office building, a TV news crew head in to get a scoop. They run head-on into what looks like a war zone. Jenny, the reporter, finds Mike, very badly injured but alive, who gives them the low-down on what happened. All hell breaks loose when the other team members find their way to the remaining survivors. Who can escape the undead?

Review: I was hoping for something amazing with this film considering it was produced by Twisted Pictures, the same company that brought us the Saw films, Catacombs (2007), and Dead Silence (2007). I was not thrilled to find out that I would be reading subtitles throughout the entire film but, I gotta say, this has been some of the most well spent twenty minutes in a long time.

The story although not a new one was very well detailed and delivered. Not too many films can boast such a statement, even big-budget films. But the story here was crafted in a way that left some imagination flexibility but gave you enough to solidify your enjoyment. It was very well orchestrated and executed, and I’m happy to be a fan.

The acting was a lot better than I have expected. I thought I was gonna have to drop a bomb here but I can’t. The acting was believable and compelling…simple as that. I don’t know if any of these actors are big over in the Netherlands, but they sure made their mark here. I hope to see more from the Netherlands sometime soon, they actually have good actors.

The gore was another story. I was so blown away that I think I was actually speechless. I guess I should have figured so, being a Twisted Pictures production and all, but for a short film I just wasn’t expecting much. But the gore was very well done and was successful in the portrayal of the zombie physiology (Romero Model). The only complaint I have for this section, is the eyes of the zombies. I would have preferred them to not be a green version of the effects of Dune (1984). It just seemed to take away from the grit of the film. But that’s my only complaint.

Rating: 23. I thought this film was absolutely phenomenal. If you ever get a chance to see it, please do. If you can’t find it, try checking out my friends at HorrorFlix, they might have it…they have everything. Thus, I’ll leave you with my second horror-short review. I’m getting a good feeling about these horror-shorts, I hope I don’t run into any duds! (23of25).

Rotten Shaolin Zombies (2004)

2007-12-27T21:05:00.001-08:00

Director: Blaine Wasylkiw

Writer: Blaine Wasylkiw

Tagline: Filthy. Decomposing. Ass-kickers.

Actors: Wilson Wong, Wil Yee, Anders J. Svensson, Paul Marshall, Owen Wong, Gunther Schetterer, Joel Gerritsen

Runtime: 23m

Category: Action, Comedy, Zombie

Synopsis: Two brothers who have always been best friends grow up and become master martial artists. They spar together every day under the watchful eye of Sensei. One day while at a restaurant, they order the Dirty Lung Fish, which is apparently a delicacy somewhere. The fish very poisonous and is still technically alive when served, but when prepared properly it is safe to eat. The fish attacks one brother and end up killing him by way of eye-eating/blood loss. The remaining brother buries his kin and continues on…sadly. One day he sees his beloved brother hobbling down the sidewalk. He catches up to him only to realize he’s a zombie! Now, they must battle to the death, for zombie brother’s piece, or the living brother’s conviction to stop his zombie brother.

Review: I was not really sure what to make of this film, from beginning to end. After the first couple of minutes I started thinking, “Is this for real?” And, yes…it was. I watched it twice just to make sure I got it and I think I pissed myself a little bit from laughing so hard. From beginning to end I laughed. I laughed when the fish attacked, I laughed when the living brother and the zombie brother were singing, and I even laughed when that dude with the zebra head started talking smack. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.

The story was not bad for a…I’m sorry, I can’t do this. The story was awful. I’m sorry Blaine. The undead doing Kung-Fu…please. But…I did love it something terrible. I loved the story even though it was just horrific. This was one of the funniest parts of the film; the fact that a zombie can do Kung-Fu…how hilarious is that?!?

The acting was typical of an independent film made by a bunch of friends. I was expecting it to be like some sort of backyard-film shot with a Hi-8 or something…and it was…minus the Hi-8. Each character had their own little quips that made them funny as hell. I especially loved the ass-kicking the zombie brother dished out before he was bitten. The whole Bruce Lee impression was dead on. The acting seemed like a bunch of friends got together and said to one another, “Let’s make a funny-ass zombie flick with a zombie that does Kung-Fu.” And good times were had by all…DYN-O-MITE!

The effects were even funnier than the story. I haven’t laughed like this since The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra (2001). During the restaurant scene you can actually see the strings used to make the fish move. I love it when that stuff is intentional. It’s a great way to ease down after a major gore-fest film.

The gore was actually not half bad for a horror-comedy short. I was not expecting to see what I did. I have to applaud the entire cast and crew for putting out one of the funniest film I’ve ever seen. Very much, Bravo!

Rating: I really am sorry for doing this, guys but…no! This deserves a great rating! I’m gonna give this pile a 23. Simply because I think stuff came out my nose while I was laughing during this entire film. I gotta hand it to the cast and crew; you guys can really put out a terrific zomedy. Thank you for unleashing this dishevelment upon us. (23of25).

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)

2007-12-12T05:43:00.001-08:00

Director: Robert Wiene

Writer: Hans Janowitz, Carl Mayer

Tagline: You must become Caligari.

Actors: Werner Krauss, Conrad Veidt, Friedrich Feher, Lil Dagover, Hans Heinrich von Twardowski, Rudolf Lettinger, Ludwig Rex

Runtime: 51m

Category: Killer, Thriller

Review: I was a bit apprehensive about reviewing a movie that is so old. I figured, however, that if I plan to be an influential movie critic, I’d be better off knowing my roots. Thus, I decided to give it my best shot. So here you go…

The story is slightly hard to follow simply because of the lack of script. But from the script they do give you, you are able to decipher enough to understand the storyline. I thought that the story was the most compelling part of the film. I loved how at the end they made it seem possible that the whole thing was in Francis’ head; that he was the crazy one all along. I find it interesting simply because we see that concept from time to time, today. But for such a story to be told back in the 1920’s…my God! I would not be surprised if, after seeing this film back in the day, people walked out of the “picture show” and fainted right there in the street.

The acting was typical for the time; overly dramatic and dry. But one cannot judge a film on acting alone. I must say that even though the acting was more comical than believable, the movie was in no way impaired by over-dramatics.

The effects, also, were typical of the time. Not much can be said here – simply because the effects back then were more about camera angles and how to fade to the next shot. But I can mention the set…cause, damn. From what I understand, this is considered an expressionist-art film…which would explain the Dr. Seuss-like sets. If the sets would have been real and/or real-looking, like today’s, than I think the film would have been even creepier. But I gotta hand it to the set coordinator(s)…you really have an eye for the abstract.

Rating: 17. The sets and dramatics of the day seemed to hinder the full strength of the film. I think that if this film were to be remade…it could be amazing. But overall, the story, being the main part of the film, was, and is still, so compelling that it warrants a high rating. Here is to one of the most influential film of the 20th century. A film that sanctioned the birth of the “plot twist”. To the director and writers…I thank you. (17of25).

The 9th Circle (2007)

2007-12-04T19:15:00.001-08:00

Director: Damien Leone

Writer: Damien Leone

Tagline: Pray the beginning is the end.

Actors: Kayla Lian, Mike Giannelli, Christine Evangelista, Anna Maliere, Eric Diez, John McCarthy, Marc Romano, Andrew Mahler, Steven Mancuso, Lori Anne Lovaglio

Runtime: 11m 17s

Category: Devil

Synopsis: The story follows a woman of no name and of no origin. She seems to be of a peaceful nature, one of those good-hearted-by-nature people you only see in films. She is waiting quietly at a train station when the obvious enjoyment of her book is disturbed by a clown with a horn…who has been staring at her. She gets up to leave and the clown grabs her and drugs her. She wakes up chained to a steel pipe somewhere underground. All she can hear is the screaming of another woman off in the distance. She is captured again soon after a daring escape to suffer a fate worse than death…by the hands of the Devil himself!

Review: I found this film on MySpace while looking for something else. When I stumbled across it I was immediately intrigued. I watched it once and was actually speechless. Yeah, go figure; something actually took my words away from me. But I was absolutely enthralled and ended up watching it a few more times…because I had to!

The story is actually the film’s strongest quality. Its simplicity is what makes it scary; just a girl at the mercy, or lack thereof, of a sacrificial cult lead by none other than the Dark Lord himself. I tend to believe that most horror movies out today would be ten times better if all of the other crap was cut out. Just like this; no big production, no opinionated directors or producers only in it for the money, no big shot actors throwing their two cents around (most of the time that’s all it’s worth anyway. Have you ever heard one of them talk about politics or society? It’s like listening to getting moral advice from Saddam Hussein.); just a good, solid story that will leave you wanting more.

The acting was…well…different. It wasn’t bad, oh God no, but it was different. I’m just not used to the kind of acting dished out in independent short films. Actually, I gotta say, it was rather good. It was believable, gripping, and very well orchestrated. The lack of script aided this, I think; not that the actors would have screwed it up by talking more, but, like I said before, its simplicity is its strongest asset. Without the burden of memorizing lines, the actors were free to spend that time capturing their character’s persona. Damien…bravo. You really know your shut!

The gore was not what I really expected. I was expecting some cut up pieces of beef and sausage casings covered in catsup-looking blood…especially when I read that Damien, the director and writer, also was in charge of the effects. It’s a lot for one man to do for a single production, and he was able to bring about a balance between the three that I have yet to see matched. It was not Hollywood gore mind you, but for an independent film by a guy who is only two years over the legal drinking age, you gotta give him mad props!

Rating: See as how this is the first short film ever reviewed by our wonderful organization, I think that careful measures must be taken. Thus I will have to rate this film at a 21. I would have liked to have seen more of that freaky-ass clown. That thing scared the crap out of me and my daughter (she poops all the time anyway, she’s seventeen months…I’m just trying to make a relational association. Oh, you don’t know what that means…well…tough). The other thing that I would have liked to see more of is the scene with the pregnant chick. I think that a substantial intestinal spill would have added a nice sloppy touch to the grit of the situation. But, overall I would have to say that this is the absolute best horror short film I’ve ever seen. If there is anyone out there who knows of a better one…please, for the love of all that is gory and scary, pass on the love! Damien…you are THE MAN! (21of25).

View the film here.

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)

2007-11-02T17:18:00.001-07:00

Director: Víctor García

Writer: William Massa

Tagline: [None]

Actors: Amanda Righetti, Cerina Vincent, Erik Palladino, Tom Riley, Andrew Lee Potts Jeffrey Combs, Steven Pacey, Clyta Rainford, Gil Kolirin, Andrew Pleavin, Chucky Venice

Runtime: 1h 21m

Category: Ghost, Sanitarium, Supernatural

Synopsis: Set about eight years after the events of the first film, Sara Wolfe’s sister Ariel is investigating her alleged suicide. She and her boyfriend Paul meet Richard who is a professor at the university and an unofficial expert on the Hill House. He tells Ariel that Sara had been contacting him because he was the only one who would believe her story. Back at their apartment, Ariel and Paul get kidnapped by Desmond; a former student of Richard’s who has, for lack of a better analogy, “turned to the dark side”. He takes them to the Hill House along with his entire entourage, followed by Richard, his girlfriend, and his assistant. While inside, the group experiences things that cannot be explained, and Desmond’s team is dwindling quickly. Now they all have to work together to get out alive or become just another of the victims of The House on Haunted Hill.

Review: I actually had no idea that a sequel to the remake was even in production. When I finally heard that it was being released I was ecstatic! I loved the original too, but the 1999 version is so much scarier. I would rate House on Haunted Hill (1999) in my top five scariest movies of all time…thus far. I know I may get some crap for that statement but guess what…I…don’t…care. Bring it on!

The story was unfortunately one of the weakest parts of the film. It’s not that it had plot holes or had a horribly predictable ending or even inconsistencies, even though it did, it’s more to the fact that they made it just like every other movie out there; some evil force emanating from some ancient statue that brings out the evil in mankind. That seems really familiar actually…didn’t they do that in The Lord of the Rings stories like forty-some-odd years ago, only with a ring? Yeah, they did! That’s what bothers me about the story; the fact that the ’99 version called for a house that was just evil…period. Not held captive by an evil statue trapping the souls inside for all eternity. The house was just evil…leave it that way!

The acting was not as bad as I had anticipated. I really like Erik Palladino’s acting and his ability to bring the average “smart-ass” to any character. I could have done without Miss Vincent; she just doesn’t do anything for me. But overall I thought the acting was actually pretty good for a B-quel. This was definitely not what I was expecting.

The effects and gore were almost up to par with its predecessor. They kept a lot of the same effects as the ’99 version, including gore and SFX. I was thoroughly impressed with the amount of gore in this movie. Not a lot of remakes can boast just as much gore as the first and not be lying. This one didn’t. This film took subtlety and threw it out the window. The gore is in-your-face, almost non-stop beauty that will leave you with a big smile on your face. Only us hard-core horror enthusiasts can call gore beautiful…it’s a gift to be able to see the beauty in death. As far as the effects go, I was happy to see a lot of the same effects from the first one. This kind of continuity is very important in making a good sequel, even if it’s straight-to-DVD.

Rating: Calling a spade a spade is a lot more black and white than rating this movie. Taking into account the poor story, but on the other side of the coin taking into account the wonderful gore and consistent effects, it’s a bit difficult to know where to begin. There was one little thing that made my day when I watched this movie, it was the scene where they all walk into the main hall and Richard’s assistant finds broken glass on the table…broken glass from the first film when the ceiling collapsed. That kind of consistency it unheard of in the wide world of B-quels. So, now that I’ve accounted for almost everything, (gotta leave some kind of margin for error) I think I would have to rate this movie a…21. (21of25).

Alone in the Dark (2005)

2007-11-02T17:15:00.001-07:00

Director: Uwe Boll

Writer: Elan Mastai, Michael Roesch, Peter Scheerer

Tagline: Evil awakens.

Actors: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, Frank C. Turner, Matthew Walker, Will Sanderson, Mark Acheson, Darren Shahlavi

Runtime: 1h 36m

Category: Creature, Thriller, Video Game

Synopsis: Edward Carnby is one of a group of children who were experimented on when they were children at an orphanage. Today, he is a detective for a kind of “paranormal police” task force trained to handle…well, the paranormal. He and his estranged girlfriend end up uncovering a mysterious secret that is thousands of years old…maybe older. With the evil Professor Hudgens trying to bring back whatever evil lie behind door number one, Carnby, his girl, and the wicked awesome Commander Burke, must fight their way out of a very hostile situation to survive. But can they keep an ancient evil from pouring into our time?

Review: I had some high hopes for this flick, but once I saw that Uwe Boll directed this abomination, my hopes withered faster than a Michael Richards’ career. Stop laughing…it’s not funny. One of the people on IMDb said something that sums it up perfectly, “I went on a quest for the worst movie ever made that had a high budget, and it has been discovered.” I think that says it all…

I thought that the story was actually not half bad. It obviously could have been better, but for the sake of argument let’s just leave it at that. It seemed like a solid concept, almost Hellboy (2004)-like in a way. I didn’t think that someone could take a seemingly “ok” idea and turn it into a complete and utter debacle. I’m truly amazed and am saddened to think that this is where our cinema might be headed…even though it was almost over two years ago.

The acting was laughable overall, except for Stephen Dorff. I don’t much care for Christian Slater or his “I’m better than you” attitude. I really don’t care for Tara Reid. If I had to listen to her tell the rest of the cast that something was Abskani, I was gonna punch a midget (btw…the Abskani are the ancient people who first discovered the ancient evil…convenient, eh?). How many times can she tell us that something is Abskani? Was that the basis of her character? Was that all she knew how to say? If I had my druthers I would lock her in a room with a bunch of Mexican midgets for the rest of her unnatural life. Or we could just force her to wear a muzzle all the time and not allow her to hurt anyone else with her…uh…acting abilities. Damn! I almost shot orange juice out of my nose cuz I was laughing at the fact that I said that Tara Reid had acting ability. Have you ever had orange juice come out of your nose before? It hurts so bad. Anyway, I digress yet again.

The effects were not the worst part of the movie. I thought that the creatures in it were actually pretty cool, if they wouldn’t have been obvious plays off of Hellboy (2004)’s Samiel and the creatures from The Cave (2005). I liked them even though they were ripped off…I’m a sucker for cool creature effects. But that is the only thing to mention here so I’m just gonna wrap things up.

Rating: 6. The only reason I gave it any rating was because I love Stephen Dorff, the creatures were pretty cool, and, I’m sorry, I would tear Tara Reid apart. She’s not the kind of chick you take home to the folks, she’s the kind of chick you hogtie in your basement and keep for those lonely nights where all you wanna do is smack a bitch (that’s literal and an innuendo…in your end-o…in her end-o, booyah! I got a book comin’ out). That’s pretty much it…this movie sucked midget balls! (6of25).

Masters of Horror - 104 - Jenifer

2007-11-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

Director: Dario Argento

Writer: Steven Weber, Bruce Jones

Tagline: Their wildest dreams are your worst nightmares.

Actors: Steven Weber, Carrie Fleming, Brenda James, Harris Allan, Beau Starr, Laurie Brunetti, Kevin Crofton, Julia Arkos, Jasmine Chan, Matt Garlick, Mark Acheson, Cynthia Garris

Original Air Date: November 18th, 2005

Runtime: 58m

Category: Creature, Demon

Synopsis: While enjoying a quiet lunch with his partner in his car, Detective Frank Spivey saves a girl from being horribly mutilated. She was being dragged around by a chain that was attached to her bound wrists. After shooting down the man dragging her around, he notices that there is something wrong with her face; it’s disfigured. The girl becomes enamored with Frank after her rescue. Due to the girl’s lack of social skills and facial abnormalities, she is instituted. Frank decides that this is no way for her to live and discharges her to move in with him, his wife and son. All is not well as Frank can’t seem to get his mind off of the hideous girl with a body that could kill. On their way back to the institution after Frank and his wife find her eating their cat, she ends up seducing him, furthering his obsession. All of his efforts to control his obsession, and control her, fail, leading to the demise of a neighbor and a carnie, and the separation between him and his wife. Now outcast to a remote cabin in the woods, she continues to seduce him to keep him from getting rid of her. When she murders his new boss’s son, he has had enough. He drags her out into the woods by bound hands and is ready to finally be rid of her until…

Review: I was not really expecting too much on this one. Don’t get me wrong, I love Argento but, there’s something about this story that bothers me. This is a classic story of a she-demon known as a succubus. This creature is known for its hideous aesthetics and gorgeous physique…and not to mention its insatiable lust. These creatures are very widely known and very widely accepted…even Comedy Central’s South Park did an episode about it. So it isn’t this story that bothers me, it’s the story of the succubus.

The story here was actually very good. I liked how Frank was taken in right from the beginning; it gave the story a kind of hopeless feeling. I also liked the connectivity of the beginning and end of the story, where what happened to the guy Frank caught trying to kill Jenifer, ended up happening to him as well. This is the most powerful feeling that one can feel, even more powerful than anger or rage; it’s love…especially hopeless love. Sometimes hopeless love is even worse because you know you’re in love but you can’t do anything about it, and you don’t even know why. That might be the thing that bothers me about the succubus story; that something could hold that much control over the human psyche. And it’s not like the Nazis or the Taliban where people believe something and have a purpose, however ludicrous it may be, it’s about being completely immersed and not understanding why.

The acting was a lot better than anticipated and was refreshing in a way. I dig a good B-movie whenever possible, and it’s common knowledge that most B-flicks lack in their acting talent department. So it was nice to see some really good acting that was convincing on the whole. Plus, I’ve always been a Steven Weber fan. I thought he got out of the biz but I guess I was wrong, eh? I must also mention Carrie Fleming in this section for one hell of a performance. I thought that she sis a fantastic job capturing the essence of the succubus demon. If ever there was an award for the best succubus character in a horror movie…she’d win!

The gore and effects were actually pretty good. I was expecting at least a decent amount of gore considering it’s an Argento film, and I got it! There was not much of it but the bit that there was, was done very well. The scenes where Jenifer is chowing down on Frank’s cat and where she’s eating the innards of the little girl next door were fantastic. You don’t see a whole lot which is not always bad. Sometimes the implied horror is more powerful that the visual horror.

Rating: 20. I personally didn’t care much for this episode. But what I do and do not like probably doesn’t matter to you. Either way, you’re reading this and I have your attention…ha! Overall I would say that this was a very well made episode that captured its goal and took the viewer on an interesting journey. If you get a chance and you like this kinda stuff, check it out…you won’t be disappointed. (20of25).

Reaper - 000 - Pilot

2007-11-02T17:00:00.000-07:00

Director: Kevin Smith

Writer: Tara Butters, Michele Fazekas

Actors: Bret Harrison, Ray Wise, Nikki Reed, Rick Gonzalez, Tyler Labine, Valarie Rae Miller, Kyle Switzer, Allison Hossack, Andrew Airlie, Christine Willes, Donavon Stinson

Runtime: 45m 30s

Category: Comedy, Demon, Devil, Fantasy

Synopsis: This is the pilot for the series itself, which was pitched to the CW network. This original pilot had Nikki Reed playing Andi. That is the only difference between this original and the regular pilot which is considered episode one.

Halloween (2007)

2007-10-12T20:55:00.001-07:00

Director: Rob Zombie

Writer: Rob Zombie, John Carpenter, Debra Hill

Tagline: Evil Has A Destiny

Actors: Malcolm McDowell, Brad Dourif, Tyler Mane, Daeg Faerch, Sheri Moon, William Forsythe, Richard Lynch, Udo Kier, Clint Howard, Danny Trejo, Lew Temple, Tom Towles, Bill Moseley, Leslie Easterbrook

Runtime: 1h 49m

Category: Slasher

Synopsis: Ten year old Michael Myers gets bullied both at school and at home. At school on Halloween, Michael is pushed over the edge by a bully. After school Michael follows the bully into the woods and beats him to death with a tree branch. Once at home he is consumed by more of the same loving attention by his family; and when his older sister refuses to take him trick or treating after mom goes to work he slaps on a clown mask and brutally, and I mean brutally, kills his mom’s boyfriend, his older sister, and her boyfriend. The only one he leaves alive is his baby sister. Michael is sent to Smith’s Grove Sanitarium where he is under the care of Dr. Loomis. For the next seventeen years he is silent, making masks to hide his face, and on that fateful Halloween night he busts the hell out of Smith’s Grove and heads back home to finish what he started. Michael goes on a rampage of slaughter and carnage as he attempts to find his baby sister who is now a senior in high school. Being followed by the only person who feels he can be stopped, Dr. Loomis follows Michael back to Haddonfield, IL to stop him.

Review: WOW! Rob Zombie is one demented guy. He made that movie very dark and much more of a slasher flick than John Carpenter. Zombie took the very suburban town of Haddonfield, IL and dropped Myers’ white trash family right in the middle of it. You have mom (Stripper), mom’s boyfriend (Out-of-Work Alcoholic), older sister (Whore In Training), sister’s boyfriend (Guy who bangs the whore in training), and baby sister (Poop Machine) who make up this not-so-Brady Bunch family. The way Michael sets out and slaughters his family was a brilliant display of slasher genius. It was great to see the progression of this human being full of pure evil. There is actually a point where Michael is in the loony bin and is talking with his mother and Dr. Loomis when you realize how nuts he really is. He asks her if he can come home and she tries to explain why he can’t. Once she leaves he tells Dr. Loomis that he doesn’t remember killing anyone. Once Loomis explains it all to Michael he clams up and never speaks another word.

In my opinion Taylor Mane had the easiest acting job in this flick. He didn’t even have any lines. He just had to kill people…lucky guy. Somehow Michael steals a semi truck and drives back to Haddonfield (because I would totally figure a ten-year-old who has been locked up for seventeen years can drive a semi). He is somehow able to easily track down the couple who adopted his baby sister. Why not, he is a sociopath. That almost makes me want to be a sociopath. I said almost. The characters were great. I really liked how his family sucked and that is what put him over the edge. I liked seeing Loomis and Michael’s interaction until he breaks out. I loved what happened at the end but I won’t tell you that because it differs from the original a little and I don’t want to give you any more than I have to.

The character placement was exceptional and I found myself rooting for Michael at every turn. The movie was gritty like a 70’s exploitation movie, which, thanks to Quentin Tarantino, is making a come back. I think it will lose its gritty appeal when too many people start doing it. Boobs…there were some hot ones in this. The sister had nice ones, and the girl from Halloween 4 & 5 was poppin’ her boobs the whole second half of the movie. Yes she does have some nice ones, mmmmmm mmmmmm (that’s the sound Mr. Herbert makes from Family Guy). No one had droobs or draggers, they were all nice a perky and headlights on high beams. Now to my favorite part, the gore! It was unbelievable how real the scenes were. They were scripted beautifully and there was a perfect combination of blood, gore and hot nasty death.

Rating: 21. I would have given this a higher rating but I was a little turned off by the language used in the movie. It was like listening to my next door neighbors when they have a party. I felt a little dumber when it was over because of that. Also, you have to remember we are talking about a remake of one of the genre’s defining movies for trying to kill pure evil. It was worthy to stand on its own and it did answer some weird questions, like; where did Michael get the coveralls? Why does he wear a mask? And where in the blue hell did he get that mask? (21of25).

Halloween (1978)

2007-10-12T20:51:00.001-07:00

Director: John Carpenter

Writer: John Carpenter, Debra Hill

Tagline: The Night HE Came Home!

Actors: Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, Nancy Kyes, P.J. Soles, Charles Cyphers, Kyle Richards, Brian Andrews, John Michael Graham, Nancy Stephens, Arthur Malet, Mickey Yablans, Brent Le Page, Adam Hollander, Robert Phalen, Tony Moran

Runtime: 1h 31m

Category: Slasher

Synopsis: Psychopathic killer, Michael Myers has been institutionalized for fifteen years. On Halloween night he breaks out of the sanitarium and sets out for Haddonfield, IL where he grew up. Michael begins to stalk Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) and brutally slaughters everyone in his path except the only one who seems to care about him, Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasance). You quickly realize that Michael is after Laurie for a reason, but can the good doctor stop Michael before he finishes his task on Halloween?

Review: Loved it. I have been watching horror for a long time and I loved a few key things about this movie. First off, it really felt like this could happen anywhere. What I mean is not that a psychopath could dress up like that, drive a car and brutally kill a bunch of people and not get killed when stabbed in the eye or neck and shot four times; but that for 3/4 of the movie seemed like he was just a nut job stalking and killing people. In the sick twisted world we live in now is that really such a far out concept? John Carpenter did a brilliant job of drawing you into the story by adding three cute lead and supporting actresses. The only pair of boobs you don’t see in the move are Jamie Lee Curtis’. Her rackage remains hidden here. Her two friends are, in one hand, happy to show them off, and in the other hand, ready to get it on. Don’t they know better? Apparently not! When I found out that Laurie was Michael’s sister I was blown away. That was a great plot twist. It made it more personal for the characters.

We were without when it came to the blood. There was little blood but the death scenes were great. For a low budget movie in 1978 they kept you in the story without a ton of unnecessary blood and gore. Don’t get me wrong, I love that too but if something can get you into it without that other stuff that is quite impressive. Since we are all desensitized to blood and gore, it seems that we need more and more with each new slasher flick. It was great to be drawn in by the lack of it.

Rating: 23. Scream Queen Curtis is top notch while demanding that the children follow her orders and tries to survive the onslaught that is the indestructible Michael Myers. I was thoroughly impressed by the acting and since I totally dig Donald Pleasence it worked out to my advantage. I recommend getting this if you have been under a rock for thirty years or if you are just at the ripe age where this kind of movie is an option. See this before you see the remake by Rob Zombie. (23of25).

Antropophagus (1980)

2007-10-12T05:44:00.001-07:00

Director: Joe D'Amato

Writer: Joe D'Amato, George Eastman

Tagline: ...He's coming for you

Actors: Tisa Farrow, Saverio Vallone, Serena Grandi, Margaret Mazzantini, Mark Bodin, Bob Larsen, Rubina Rey, Simone Baker, Mark Logan, George Eastman, Zora Kerova

Runtime: 1h 30m

Category: Slasher

Synopsis: A group of tourists find themselves stranded on an uninhabited island being stalked by a deranged killer. He has already killed the entire island town and is lying in wait for some stupid tourists to come bumbling along. Oh look…there’s some now!

Review: The reason the synopsis is so short for this review is not because I didn’t like the movie…even though I really didn’t. But it does have its moments and I have to give some credit along the way. But the actual reason for the simplicity of the synopsis is because of the simplicity of the story. One thing our predecessors of the horror genre knew how to do was develop a simple story that everyone can follow. You start to get too complex and the viewer gets lost, and eventually gets bored because they have no idea what’s happening. This simple story is definitely one of those ones that knew what it was doing; gross, creepy, shock value.

The story essentially follows this friend-group of tourists while some deranged madman picks them off one by one. And just as a side note, this movie would be a great opportunity to practice trying to figure out who the hero/survivors are. We get only a short, almost meaningless, forty-five second clip of the killer’s past that shows him, his wife and son lost at sea on a raft. After their son apparently dies, he tries to convince her to eat him. A struggle ensues leaving his wife dead…that’s it. I think that it was probably my least favorite part of the story because you get people’s hopes up thinking they’re gonna get a flashback explaining WHY this guy feels the need to kill and entire island town, and then some, and WHY he can’t be stopped. The plot holes and concept just threw me for a loop and made my head hurt.

The acting was pretty good except for the character of the killer. I don’t understand why they decided to make the killer look like and a bulimic hillbilly had a homo-love child with Don King and Freddy Krueger…with thyroid problems, poor oral hygiene, and the worst people skills I’ve ever seen since Naomi Campbell. I just thought that the character, NOT the actor, was too boring and lifeless. But all of the other actors did a good job…people back in the day, which, according to Mr. Dane Cook, was a Wednesday, knew how to act. You actually had to know how to act to star in a movie. Now-a-days, all you have to do is either know somebody, or put out for a director or producer. It’s sad how far we’ve fallen…hail to the olden days!

The gore and effects were not as bad as I thought they were gonna be. I was expecting some mediocre catsup-blood and some one-inch, catsup-blood covered rope. But the gore was pretty decent and have to give mad props to one scene that shocked me in Dark Corners (2006). They could have easily taken the scene right out of the movie it was so dead on. I’m talking about the scene where the killer takes the baby out of the pregnant chick…I will say no more. Major props for that scene, even by today’s standards that’s pretty messed up.

Rating: 16. Even though this is considered somewhat of a classic, I must be fair and say that yes, there were scary parts that got to you, and yes, there were parts that by all rights of the day should have been banned but, when your nemesis has no depth or dimension at all to speak of…it gets a little shallow. I must say that this movie was very well done with the obvious exception of the aforementioned. So please, if it’s a rainy day, and it’s late, and it’s on TV…watch it. (16of25).

The Evading (2007)

2007-10-12T04:55:00.000-07:00

Director: Rick L. Winters

Writer: Rick L. Winters

Tagline: It's coming for you...

Actors: Jason Adkins, Olivia Alsept-Ellis, Bob Bishop, Bob Bishop III, Scott Caster, George Dunn, Renee Gilbert, Akbar Kedear, Dixi Lee, Patrick Mackay, Hilary Mawindi, D'Angelo Midili, Brittany Quist, Jonathan Reis, Eric Riedmann, Darlene Sellers, Eric Stevens, Clint Tibbits

Runtime: 1h 38m

Category: Creature, Nightmare, Supernatural

Synopsis: Josh Carter has fallen into a deep depression after the loss of his wife. Every morning he wakes up and stands in front of his bay window remembering his final interaction with his beloved. But lately the memory seems to be changing…and a ghostly figure seems to be following him around. He sees “it” everywhere; in his house, on his computer screen at work, even in his car. One day his boss tells him that he knows what’s happening to him and that he should meet him at his house for some group thing. There, he tells Josh about the being that following him and that “it” has been around since before recorded time. No one really knows what “it” is, but one of the group members claims to have wounded it. Now “it” is after all of them and it doesn’t seem to want to stop. One by one the group members meet their demise until the truth about Josh’s true past is revealed.

Review: I found out about this movie on MySpace. The official MySpace page for the movie asked to be my friend and I did a little research. I thought that the trailers all looked really cool and the cover art is pretty sweet. So, once it came out…I found it. And…as you may have guessed…I loved it! This is one of the best indi films I’ve seen in a long time. The camera work is not all that amazing, but I’ll get to that later. For right now, just know that this movie is gonna make waves.

The story is a little bit confusing for the average viewer. It’s really confusing for those of you who are not necessarily…uh…horror-savvy. But overall I thought that the story was very well thought out and was compelling throughout. I liked how Josh’s memory of his last moment with his wife changed throughout the story. It gave it that little something extra to keep you wondering. And do you know what sets this extraordinary movie apart form ordinary movies? It’s that little extra. Yes, that’s a movie quote. If you’re not gonna keep up…go home.

Anyway…

From the start I had originally thought that the hooded figure was The Angel of Death, and I still kinda think it is. But from reading more information about the movie on the website, I think the write/director meant for the figure to be what some people call a “shadow figure” or “shadow person”. I dug a little deeper and found out that shadow people are supposed to be those things that you see out of your peripheral vision that look like people, but when you turn to look nothing was ever there. These apparitions are perceived to be a couple different things; 1) a being that lives on another vibrational plane that is similar to ours that only exists in some quasi-dimensional parallel universe, 2) they’re ghosts, or 3) they are a complete figment of our imaginations due to the refraction of light off of the iris. I’m gonna go with door number three. Choose what you will…but choose wisely.

The acting was not bad…it was actually pretty good. I was expecting to have to horribly bash this area but was pleasantly surprised to not have to. The actors were able to capture almost every emotion and convince the viewer of such. I gotta hand it to Winters who directed this flick, he knows how to put together a good movie with a cast that can do the job right. That little girl though…she gave me more creeps than that little freak from The Ring (2002). Not as much as those brats from The Shining (1980) though. She did an excellent job as did her make-up artist. Bravo Olivia…bravo.

The effects were my favorite part of the movie. I loved how they made the figure fluid; almost liquid in the air. I also loved the effects used to accelerate time and the ones used to distort the viewer’s perception of reality. This effects director deserves major credit for putting this viewing experience together with almost flawless continuity. The only thing I would have liked to see is some ballsier camera work. It seemed like most of the shots were done with a stabilized camera that didn’t want to or wasn’t supposed to move. That’s really my only complaint.

Rating: 23. Overall I thought this movie was absolutely awesome. It’s one of those flicks that comes out straight to DVD, gets little recognition, after a while gathers and underground following, then explodes into a classic. I know I am building it up quite a bit but, it was just very well done! Apart from the camera work, I also would have cut down a bit on Olivia’s script weight. For the type of character she was playing, less is more. Think of it like this; those two girls from The Shining (1980) spoke once and scared an entire generation, Samara from The Ring (2002) didn’t talk at all, and if she would have, I would have pissed in my pants…and nobody can do anything about it! So…I would suggest that if you have Netflix or Blockbuster’s Total Access package, that you should take time out of your day and rent this movie…yes, go out of your way to rent this one. (23of25).

Reaper - 101 - Pilot

2007-09-26T05:54:00.000-07:00

Director: Kevin Smith

Writer: Tara Butters, Michele Fazekas

Actors: Bret Harrison, Ray Wise, Missy Peregrym, Rick Gonzalez, Tyler Labine, Valarie Rae Miller, Kyle Switzer, Allison Hossack, Andrew Airlie, Christine Willes, Donavon Stinson

Original Air Date: September 25th, 2007

Runtime: 45m 30s

Category: Comedy, Demon, Devil, Fantasy

Synopsis: Today is Sam’s twenty-first birthday and so far things have not started out normal. His parents are overly affectionate and his mom seems to be very worried about him. Ignoring them as much as any twenty-one-year-old can ignore their parents, he heads off to work with his buddy Sock. Strange things begin to happen as he saves his beloved Andi, a chick he works with but is afraid to ask out, from a falling air conditioner. He dives over her pushing the mammoth device out of the way, saving her life. Sam takes Sock to the back for a chat and explains to him that he thinks something is very wrong.

After leaving work early, Sam comes home to his father, who is waiting for him. He explains that before he was born, his parents sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for his father’s health. Now really freaked out, the Devil actually decides to show up and tells Sam that he is gonna be Hell’s bounty hunter. With the help of Sock as his sidekick, Sock’s ex as his info informant, and Ben…well, we’re actually not sure what his deal is yet. All I can tell you is that this is gonna be one hell of a show! Do not miss it! Tuesdays at 9pm on The New CW.

Review: I was very skeptical at first and was a bit worried about this show. I thought that it was gonna be some cheap-ass rip off of Ghost Rider (2007) and Ghostbusters (1984). Well kiddies…I was wrong! I think foreign objects actually came out of my nose as I gasped for air while I was laughing. The show is cleaver, funny as all hell, and a great twist on the soul-capturing story. I think that this show, especially while being directed by Kevin Smith, is going to be a huge success.

The story itself is funny as hell. I loved that Sam’s parents sold his freakin’ soul to the freakin’ Devil! That’s funny! And the fact that Sam ended up being a kind of superhero is even more awesome; he’s got his girl, his sidekick, his informant, and Ben…who I think is going to be their gadget-man. Every superhero needs a gadget-man…except Superman…he can do that shut on his own. Anyway, this is a classic story with a modern-day twist that is sure to leave you revved-up and aching from laughter.

The acting was, actually…really good. I was surprised at first…then I realized that Kevin Smith doesn’t half-ass a project. I figured, in the back of my mind, that he would make sure only the best would take part in this show; I was right. The acting was almost pin-point spot-on with reaction time, visual emotions, and character development. I’m very much looking forward to seeing how their next mission pans out.

The script was…oh my God…funny as hell! Like I said above, Kevin Smith doesn’t half-ass. This script was funny as could be with just enough emotion to make you feel the character’s pain and still be a comedy. I don’t think I’ve seen a script this good in a long time. The last script I can think of that was this good, quality as well as funny, was Shaun of the Dead (2004). I mention that because I noticed many similarities between Sock and Ed; both heavy-set, both the comic relief, both always have something cleaver to say, both loyal friends, and both can get annoying to the hero. If there is going to be any character development with Sock…it will be small; his character’s almost perfect the way is. Major kudos for the character personalities.

The effects and action were very good as well. I noticed that the sequences where the Fireman was torching the street looked a lot like the effects from The CW’s other show, Smallville. That’s not a bad thing mind you; I’ve seen multi-million dollar motion pictures that can’t hold a candle to Smallville’s SFX. That just means that the effects were really well done…and the next time I have to explain this, you’re getting a time out…for fifteen minutes. TIME OUT!

Rating: 23. I think that if they would have expanded Ben’s character a bit it would have done nicely. He just seemed to “be there”; no purpose or anything. That’s why I think he might be their gadget-man; he’s gotta have something to do. The other thing that tickled me was Sam’s physiology when using his telekinesis. I didn’t like the whole hand shaking thing; it just seemed hoaky. If the character development allots him more telekinetic practice then I understand…it just looked more funny than cool. But that’s pretty much it; I loved the episode and can’t wait until the next one. This is going to be a wonderful series! (23of25).

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

2007-09-25T08:27:00.000-07:00

Director: Russell Mulcahy

Writer: Paul W.S. Anderson

Tagline: Experimentation...Evolution...Extinction

Actors: Milla Jovovich, Oded Fehr, Ali Larter, Iain Glen, Ashanti, Christopher Egan, Spencer Locke, Matthew Marsden, Linden Ashby, Jason O'Mara, Mike Epps, Joe Hursley

Runtime: 1h 35m

Category: Outbreak, Video Game, Zombie

Synopsis: After the world has been almost completely decimated by the T-Virus, Alice goes rogue in search of the last Umbrella test facilities. She eventually meets up with a nomadic brigade of survivors led by Claire, a military-like leader. They band together and head into downtown Vegas in search of gasoline, only to be ambushed by Dr. Isaacs’ new T-Virus mutations that are stronger and more intelligent. Alice fights to stay free of Umbrella control and save her new friends. They eventually locate one of the test facilities and break in, only to find a more evil and powerful menace waiting just beyond the threshold. Is Alice powerful enough to defeat this new monster, or will she die trying? All I can tell you is that the ending will both shock and exhilarate you as we come to the conclusion of this action-packed series.

Review: I have been waiting for this movie for a long time. Ever since I heard rumors about its production I’ve been on the edge of my seat. Let me tell you…it did not disappoint! If you like zombies, guns, and lots of action, this movie is for you! This is a must see for fans of the Resident Evil movie series.

The story took some odd twists that even I was not expecting. I did like the new direction they took; leaving the video game behind and making a new series. From what I’ve been told, this series has deferred severely from the original video game series. I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. Most of the video games now-a-days have videos already on them to tell the story. Not that that’s always enough but, it’s always nice to have some differentiation. But enough of that. The story was well played and pleasantly presented. I really liked the development of the Alice character into a super-human being. I have always wondered about having a superhero that fights zombies…now I don’t have to. The development of her telekinetic abilities was one of the things that excited me the most; it gave her an almost invincible quality. Entertaining to say the least.

The acting was not that bad. Most big-budget pictures are able to overthrow their actor’s shortcomings with high-intensity special effects…this one didn’t have to. I thought that the acting was par for the movie and complimented it well. There is not a whole lot more to say in this area but, I gotta say, whoever trained Ms. Jovovich on her martial arts did an good job. I don’t know how much of that was CGI, or ropes and pulleys but, it looked really good. Kudos!

The special effects were fantastic. Even the CGI that was used was done very well, and you know how much I don’t care for CGI. But the effects were spectacular. One of my favorite scenes in the whole movie was the torching of the ravens; I thought that scene was one of the most visually beautiful I’ve ever seen. Major props to the Special Effects team…you guys are awesome!

The gore was standard for a RE (Resident Evil) movie. Nothing over the top, nothing disappointing…just a good clean family bloodbath! Can’t say that every day, can ya’? One thing I noticed and took note of was that the “arch enemy” took on a almost The Thing (1982) feeling. The whole costume, including prosthetics, was very reminiscent of Stan Winston’s early work. Very well done.

Rating: 24. I loved this movie and if The Boss, Mrs. Jonny Cage, decides to let me, I plan on buying this wonderful piece of cinema. If you are a fan of the RE series, even a mild fan, you are sure to love this movie. Take a couple friends, some cash mon-aaay, go to your local theatre, grab some Jujubes and a nice cold liter of cola, and sit back and enjoy this journey into a world of action-packed, shoot-‘em up, zombie fun! (24of25).

Unholy (2007)

2007-09-22T22:26:00.001-07:00

Director: Daryl Goldberg

Writer: Sam Freeman, Daryl Goldberg

Tagline: They Know Who You Are.

Actors: Adrienne Barbeau, Nicholas Brendon, Siri Baruc, Richard Ziman, Cheyenne Casebier, Merwin Goldsmith, Susan Willis, Sean Bennett Geoghan, Joseph McKenna, Ron Patrick

Runtime: 1h 27m

Category: Thriller

Synopsis: After the unexpected suicide of her daughter, Martha and her son Lucas set out to unravel the mysterious happenings in their lives. A neighbor fills them in on a local legend named Lester Crouse, who was supposed to be the most infamous cultist of all time. It has been said that while working for Hitler, Crouse was experimenting on unwilling subjects in The Unholy Trinity (not to be confused with our definition): Time Travel, Invisibility, and Mind Control. The experiments are said to have continued throughout the years, even after the death of Crouse himself. But who could be running these horrible experiments? The government? Corporations? A rouge Nazi group? The answer will leave you speechless!

Review: I didn’t have any real hopes for this flick going into it. I had a slight idea of what it was about but was confused just by the description I read. Coming out as an independent horror movie with one of the sweetest cover arts I’ve ever seen lead me to want to love this movie. But…sigh…I didn’t. Not only did this movie make little to no sense, it made me feel stupid just watching it. I gotta say…Daryl, don’t quit your day-job.

The story was not too bad at first. It was compelling and intense; but about a quarter of the way through it started to make less sense than Anna Nicole’s speech pattern. I think that the writer tried way, way too hard to make a great idea into a movie. That being said, the concept was actually decent. I liked the idea behind the movie but the approach was just not right. There was just too much story for eighty-seven minutes! Not only that, some of it didn’t even make sense; like, what the hell was up with the whole torture thing? This crazy, Nazi, experimenter-guy tortures people then experiments on them? Or visa versa? Give me something to work with! There was absolutely no connection between the torture and the experiment…none. Thanks Daryl…you’ve destroyed a terrific idea…ass.

The acting was not too bad, probably the only thing about this movie I can’t really complain about. I did notice that Nicholas Brendon is still stuck in his Xander role from that insufferable Buffy show…good for you…you are living proof against evolution. But the acting wasn’t bad, just average. I will say though, it is always nice to see the lovely Cheyenne Casebier…so hot!

The gore and effects looked like something out of a video game. The “time rifts” or “ripples” or whatever the hell you want to call them, looked like some kind of CGI overlay; like it wasn’t even supposed to be part of the final cut. I think if they would have made it look more like the quicksand from Jumanji (1995) it would have been more convincing. Speaking of convincing…how about that gore, huh? Wow, such…uh…talent? Please. I’ve seen scarier things come out of my butt! Just a major load of, well, crap (no pun intended).

Rating: If I had to rate this steamer, which I do, I should give it the finger! But, since I’m objective, and slightly reactive, I have to be fair…no matter how much it hurts. Thus…10. This would have been a phenomenal movie if it would have been presented better. I loved that the movie ended where it started, that was dope, but the basic story was one of the only things that captured me. The other was the old news reels playing during the ending credits; that shut creeped me out and left a very rotten feeling in my gut. I liked the loop idea for the time travel but that was about it. I needed to be sold a horror movie and what I got was almost an hour and a half of a numb crack. Thanks Daryl, my ass is numb…happy now? Ass… (10of25).

Interview with Mike DiSario, Writer/Director of 'War of the Dead: Z.E.R.O.'

2007-09-14T04:49:00.000-07:00

Joe Sena: Creator/Executive Producer
Mike DiSario: Writer/Director
Melissa Rubin: Producer

Jonny Cage (JC): Where did the idea start?

Mike DiSario (MD): Joe, Melissa, and I were working together developing and managing content for a website. Melissa and I have a history of working together and actually attended film school together many years ago. We met Joe during one of our funding adventures which turned out to be a nightmare and crashed and burned.

Years later Joe called us up to develop an idea he had been kicking around for awhile. The idea was the War of the Dead saga. The entire story will be represented in many different forms of media (i.e. a series of novels –the first of which I’ve written and is in editing/ rewrites, comics, a card game, etc.) we wanted to begin introducing the idea visually, with the web series.

Long story short, Joe pitched us his idea for a low budget zombie series. This idea involved very few people, possibly us, running around with a camera in a very basic “Cops” style show. Melissa and I loved the idea but not the approach. So, I sat down and wrote out a script (the teaser episode). He liked the approach I took on the script and a few weeks later we were preparing to shoot.

JC: Who/What are your influences?

MD: That’s hard to say. I will be the first to admit that I am not a horror junky. I enjoy horror movies when they’re done well and or really poorly (Check out Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) if you’ve never seen it) Because of this my influences are widespread.

I’m equally influenced by directors I admire (Orson Welles, Luc Besson, David Fincher, Tim Burton, Guillermo Del Torro, Julie Taymor), as I am by amazing performances from great actors. I find inspiration for my stories or shot choices from headlines in the news or photographs in a magazine. I can’t say any one person or thing is more influential on my work than another.

JC: What research have you done apart from what we see on the silver screen?

MD: As a self admitted nerd, I have taken the lore of the classic zombie and extracted what I felt was useful. I threw away some things that I thought were ridiculous. To fill in gaps and answer my own personal questions I turn mostly to science and logic. I’ve studied anatomy and biology, even some chemistry and applied these truths to what I think a zombie should be/ would be.

Sure, some people might have a problem with this approach, I accept and expect that. But, I think we are lucky enough to live at a time where many classical horror ideas are being rethought instead of regurgitated. Things like vampires, werewolves and zombies are being approached in a variety of different ways. Personally, I think that is what keeps the genre evolving and moving forward. I’m by no means saying I’m doing anything ground breaking; I think we’re just making these zombies a bit more of our own.

JC: Have you read Max Brooks’ book ‘The Zombie Survival Guide’? If so, what are your thoughts about the information given? Have you applied any of it to the story?

MD: I flipped through the book and enjoyed what I read. He really thought through many situations and circumstances and came up with logical conclusions on how to deal with the menace.

I did read World War Z and thought it was good. It was an interesting look and take on the classic zombie apocalypse. I have not applied any of those thoughts to the world I’m creating, though obviously there are some parallels that could be drawn. My only complaint would be that his approach was based on the Romero zombie model. There’s nothing wrong with this of course, I would just liked to have seen a more progressive take on an old specimen.

JC: Episode 1 seemed to take a while to release to the public, should we expect to wait that long for each episode?

MD: Yeah, sorry about that, there are a lot of things in the works right now. We’re planning to potentially shoot five more episodes back to back some point around January. If this comes to fruition, than we’ll have episodes being released in more regular, shorter intervals.

JC: Why not have all of the episodes already made, then air them, like the Devil’s Trade series on FEARNet.com?

MD: There are many obvious differences between Devil’s Trade and ZERO. Our production is a lot bigger and more involved. Our episodes are in some cases more than 5x as long. As I said we’re planning on shooting the rest of the “season” in one clip and having the episodes released quicker. This, unfortunately, depends on a lot of variables.

JC: Why Fangoria?

MD: Joe has had a long standing professional and personal relationship with Tony Timpone. From what I understand they went to high school together. So, when we started this venture it seemed only natural to get involved with them. The truth is that even though Joe and Tony are friends, he owed us nothing. He wasn’t out to do us favors but, he does believe in the show and it’s potential.

JC: How is it working with one of the most influential ‘horror news’ mediums out there?

MD: Tony and Mike Gingold have been nothing but supportive of us and the series. As a matter of fact, Tony was one of the first people to watch the show. We screened it for him in the Fangoria office meeting room. I have to say it was nerve racking to sit there with him, as nice and friendly as he is, while he watched it. It was a relief to see him laughing and enjoying himself as the teaser episode played out. He was impressed with the quality and made it a point to attend the screening of the first episode at the Weekend of Horrors. While I, unfortunately was unable to attend it myself. I heard Tony and Mike started a standing ovation. It’s a great feeling when two people with such knowledge and exposure to the industry enjoy our show as much as they seem to.

JC: How much publicity has the series been getting?

MD: The series has been getting a good amount of recognition. We had an entire page dedicated to us in Fangoria Magazine as well as online praise. We have gotten unexpected praise from certain forums. We found articles on the show in other languages and fans from other countries. What is most pleasing to me personally is the fans feedback. We have come across people on MySpace that have ZERO listed as their favorite show. We’ve gotten E-mails saying how much people like it because it’s not what they expected it would be. Maybe that’s what is most satisfying to me. That people enjoy it because it’s a show with zombies and not a show about zombies. They are becoming attached to the characters, quote the lines, and want to see what they get into next. As a writer that makes me smile.

JC: Even though the series is still in its infantile stages, any plans for a movie?

MD: I’ve heard rumors…

JC: Could we be expecting a DVD of the series in the late future?

MD: If all goes according to plan you can expect to see something by the end of the summer ’08.

JC: Online only or full retail?

MD: We’re in negotiations.

JC: Is a season two already in discussion?

MD: We locked ourselves in a room one day and planned out the series story line which will stretch for as many seasons as we’re able to do. You’ll begin to see reoccurring themes and ongoing character arcs which started in the last episode (Episode 1). We have all the episodes set for this season and I’ve already begun writing them. The places that you’ve seen ZERO go and the situations that they’ve gotten into are nothing compared to where they’re headed. It’s going to be as much fun to make as it will be to watch.

JC: What are your plans to keep the story alive and away from becoming redundant?

MD: Because there is a bigger, more complex story attached to ZERO the chance of it becoming stale is minimal. If it were a series of vignettes you would have nothing to follow. No stories carrying over, no real character development, just mission after mission. Though it would be entertaining it wouldn’t be very engaging in the long run and people wouldn’t be drawn back. The stories we’ve created are intended to draw the viewer in. Like I said, you’ll have to wait and see.

JC: Could we expect more quarrels between the members of Z.E.R.O. and local law enforcement?

MD: Possibly, the ZERO team that the show focuses on is a rowdy bunch.

JC: Are we going to get a back story on the characters?

MD: Because my aim is always to focus the show on the characters we are going to see every side of them. They are our heroes but, as with all people, they’re flawed. This being the case they become more real and viewers can identify themselves with the characters.

JC: Are we going to get the story on how the outbreak began?

MD: In the show and the novel we never give a detailed explanation of the outbreaks inception. We think keeping it vague and hinting at various reasons without beating people over the head is the best thing to do.

JC: Are we going to see more ZERO members?

MD: The show focuses on one ZERO team but in reality there are dozens and dozens of teams. In future episodes you’ll meet members of other teams and even see some of them in action.

JC: Who is your favorite character?

MD: I can’t answer that, the actors would kill me! I’m just kidding. I don’t have a favorite. I love Gellow (Andrew) because he’s an obnoxious asshole in an endearing way. I love Justin (Don) because of his leadership and compassion- and for reasons you’ll soon see-. I love Tara (Dina) for her impossible mix of vulnerability and strength. I love Jones (Sean) for all his mysterious complexities.

The strange thing about writing a series or really developing a character in any medium is that, at a certain point, you stop controlling them. You find you no longer tell them what to do or where to go. They come to life and you realize you’re no longer guiding them. You place them in a situation and they react as they would naturally. You can’t force it or push them one way or another. You become an onlooker merely chronicling the journey.

Then when that comes off the page you shoot the script and you take in the actors’ strengths and their choices with the characters. Sitting and writing the next episode becomes more complex because now you’re dealing with two separate personalities –that of the characters and the actors- and then meld them into a more believable, living, breathing piece of autonomy. It’s a journey and experience that’s difficult to explain and very personal to each writer. Many times I’ll be just as excited to see how a scene is resolved as the viewer is.

JC: Any plans for cameos? Can I suggest Bruce Campbell?

MD: Bruce Campbell? Bruce? Are you out there reading this? We love you! Please do our show! We are in talks with a few people. I don’t want to ruin anything. You’ll just have to see who pops up along the way.

JC: Were there any scenes in particular that stick in your mind?

MD: At the end of episode 1 there is a scene where the boys (Don, Andrew and Sean) are bullshitting as usually and stepping over the bodies. The way the scene was originally written was that they were merely walking down a hallway talking. On location while watching the rehearsal we decided to mix it up to give the scene a little more impact. I asked Alice (SFX) to quickly make up some more zombies (which after 12 hours of shooting she wasn’t thrilled about) and had them lay down in various areas so they would be reached at key points of dialogue. Then I wanted to play with it a step further and have them putting a few more shots into them as them moved past. As Andrew put it, it was like live theater. We were just flowing with it, making things up, feeling out the scene. Everyone was caught up in the momentum of making the scene as we were shooting. In the end I believe this scene, which was originally strictly a walk and talk, became a fun and memorable moment in the episode. Plus who doesn’t like zombies getting shot in the head repeatedly?

JC: Just out of curiosity, how many FX artists did you interview or entertain before choosing your current? Or did you already have someone in mind before inception?

MD: None, we asked for recommendations from people we knew and a close friend of ours gave us Alice’s info. We took a look at her portfolio, met with her and that was it. We clicked right away. That’s the way it was with most of the crew. These people are professionals at what they do. What it comes down to for Melissa and I is who we get along with. You have to take into account that someone may be slightly more skilled than someone else but sometimes you know you’re just not going to get along with them. After the ten hour mark on a set people’s true personalities come out to play and sometimes they’re not so pretty. We were careful to choose people who we knew would mesh well and we are now a family.

JC: What about actors?

MD: We had over a hundred people come and read for the parts. What it came down to was chemistry. During callbacks we had different actors sit in a room in different configurations. It wasn’t until we put the current cast together that we felt like we had a cohesive group. They really are good friends and I think you can see that in the show.

JC: At any point in time, before, during, or even after the creation of the teaser, has there been doubt about the series’ success?

MD: There are always doubts. I’m very hard on myself and my work, perhaps to a fault. The true test of any production is to watch it in a room full of strangers. That’s when you’ll get the truth. When we premiered at ICON with the teaser it was uplifting and a huge relief to hear everyone laugh and cheer. We were happy with the show personally, but it wasn’t until after the crowd stayed (over 100 people) to ask us questions and get autographs, that we realized what we had was special.

JC: What snags have you run into?

MD: None yet **Knocks on every piece of wood in a ten mile radius**

JC: Have you run into any budget trouble?

MD: Thankfully, Melissa tends to keep that information away from me. We work with the budget we’re given and thus far have stretched every cent to make the production value soar.

JC: In our many conversations, I’ve noticed an uncommon willingness to help the little guy; whether it be advise, or adding an up incoming review site’s banner on your MySpace, or offering an exclusive interview, or simply responding to a fan’s emails. From the director of a horror web-series…why the attention?

MD: You’re right. Interview over. If you post this I’ll have my lawyers punch a lawsuit through your face.

Actually, I’m as surprised by your reaction just as much as you seem to be surprised by mine. So I direct a horror web series? So what? What if I was directing 100 million dollar studio films (My phone line is never busy Mr. & Mr. Weinstein)? Does that mean I can’t be bothered with other people? I’m not better than anyone else, believe me, I do what I do and appreciate your support and loyalty to the show. It is only fair that I support what you do, whatever it may be, and help you out if I can.

In my outlook there are no little people or big people. There are sometimes annoying people and I ignore them. For the most part, I don’t see a hierarchy.

JC: At what age did you view your first horror movie? What was it?

MD: My brother tied me down when I was younger, don’t know what age, and made me watch A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). For a while soon there after I had many a nightmare. For this I will never forgive him.

JC: What is your favorite horror movie?

MD: There are so many. I love the Evil Dead series and Dead Alive (1992). Those are definitely on the top of the list.

JC: Zombie movie?

MD: My favorite zombie movie might just be the re-make of Dawn of the Dead (1978). It was so well done. I really have never seen a zombie movie that I didn’t like though.

JC: What would you like to say to the people who are just now getting into the series?

MD: The series is going to take the “zombie story” places it’s never gone and do things with it that have never been done. Keep watching!

I would just like to thank Mike for taking the time to do this interview and for being so damn thorough! You guys are awesome and on behalf of the entire Jonny Cage’s Horror Movie Reviews crew and our readers…THANK YOU!

War of the Dead: Z.E.R.O. - 102 - Premier Episode/Life Blood

2007-09-11T12:12:00.001-07:00

Creator: Joe Sena, Michael Disario, Melissa Rubin

Director: Michael Disario, Michael LeGuen (1st Assistant Director)

Writer: Michael Disario

Tagline: It is the Third Age of the War of the Dead. Undead outbreaks are the responsibility of the Zombie Emergency Response Operations task force. Every day, the men and women of Z.E.R.O. risk their lives to protect the living from the living dead.

Actors: Don Money, Andrew Roth, Sean David, Dina Cataldi, Lynn Mastio Rice, Devon Marie, Adrian Mishek, Thomas Daniel, Dennis Smith

Category: War, Zombie

Synopsis: This episode follows the team members on yet another hostile outbreak. This time the outbreak has taken place in a squatter community. The team members bicker with local law enforcement for a moment then head inside. There, they find Sara who has been bitten and is in the process of turning. Captain Morse tells Tara, or T-Rex as they call her, to stay with the injured woman. The rest of the team sweeps the rest of the building and purges the rest of the zombie threat. Meanwhile, Sara tells T-Rex that she is pregnant and makes her promise to take care of the baby when she turns. This visually stunning and heartfelt episode will leave you with a gut-wrenching taste for more zombie fun.

Review: Finally! The long-awaited Episode 1. I’ve been waiting a very long time for this and now that I’ve seen it…I feel complete. I gotta hand it to the cast and crew, these people really know their stuff. Coming from a pseudo-independent crew, I’m very impressed at the level of control and care they’ve taken in creating this new series. Once you watch the episode you’ll understand.

This part of the story follows our heroes into more than a routine sweep. There are ethical questions and moral debates, making this a very informative episode. We see Tara (T-Rex), who is the only woman on the squad, constantly as the brunt of numerous sexual innuendoes (yeah…in your end-o. I’ve been waiting to use that for over four months…HA!). We get to see how this takes a toll on her and her ability to cohesively operate within the squad. I think we may see more of a dependency upon Dr. Orchid in the future. I also liked the dilemma of whether or not to kill the injured woman, Sara. It is quite controversial in nature and I think that the argument was very well placed. Major kudos for bringing this argument to light.

The acting was just as good, if not better than the teaser episode. We get to see more of how the group interacts as a whole, as well as individually. Each character is dynamic in their own rite: Captain Morse is the smooth, level-headed, leader; Gellow is the “shit-starter” with a dirty mouth but mad skills; Jones is the cautious one who seems to want to both make fun of and protect Tara; and Tara (T-Rex) is the bad-ass chick with crazy skills and a bad temper (my favorite…nothing more sexy than a hot chick with a gun; I love you Dina). Thus far…I’m impressed with everyone’s performance and can’t wait to see how the characters develop.

The gore and effects were, thankfully, better than the teaser episode. I’m not saying that the teaser episode’s gore was bad; there just wasn’t much of it. In this episode we get more blood and more guns…everyone’s favorites. We get head-shots, blood splatter, and some very, very well done intestines. I loved that scene the best; just the imagery and the grossness of it made me smile bigger than when my wife makes Eggers (scrambled eggs and mashed taters…don’t knock ‘til you try it). Whoever the effects artist is on this wonderful project that dude needs a raise! (Just found out that the effects artist is a woman named Alice Hoff…sorry Alice, you’re still awesome!)

Rating: 25. I can’t really find anything wrong with this episode. The only thing I can think of that I would change is I would like to see more zombies feeding. But that’s a personal preference and that has no bearing on the rating. I just think that it would add a nice touch to the already stellar gore. Either way, great episode with a lot more information and a lot more blood and guts…you’re sure to love it. (25of25).

View Episode

Hatchet (2006)

2007-09-11T09:44:00.001-07:00

Director: Adam Green

Writer: Adam Green

Tagline: Old school American Horror.

Actors: Joel Moore, Tamara Feldman, Deon Richmond, Mercedes McNab, Kane Hodder, Parry Shen, Joleigh Fioreavanti, Joel Murray, Richard Riehle, Patrika Darbo, Robert Englund, Joshua Leonard, Tony Todd, John Carl Buechler

Runtime: 1h 33m

Category: Comedy, Slasher

Synopsis: After the breakup between Ben and his long-time girlfriend, Ben’s buddy Marcus takes him down to Mardi Gras to get his mind off of the whole ordeal. Since Ben is not into the party scene, he convinces Marcus to go on a haunted swamp tour. When they arrive they meet the other passengers, an overly-excited older couple, a soft porn director and his two floozies, and a mysterious local named Marybeth. While on the tour, the guide, who seems to be racially confused, prunes the boat on a rock, puncturing the hull. They abandon the boat and soon they find themselves in mortal danger. Marybeth tells them the legend of Victor Crowley, a homicidal freak who is trapped in the night he supposedly died. She tells them that these woods are his woods, and that if anyone gets too close to the old Crowley place, he kills them. Not believing a word of the tale, the older couple race up to the house, where Crowley himself appears and takes them both out. Now, they are all on the run from this monster of a man who seems to be lurking around every corner. Who will survive the murderous rampage of the invincible Victor Crowley?

Review: I have been waiting for this movie for a very long time. From what I understand, the director had a hell of a time getting the film picked up. He was on the promotion trail for over seventeen months, I heard. I gotta give him credit and major props for his tenacity and unwillingness to give up. So, on behalf of myself and all of the staff here at Jonny Cage’s Horror Movie Reviews…thank you.

I was told that this movie was not going to be a remake, a sequel, or anything like that. I thought it a bit strange that the PR people would feel it necessary to make that distinction, but after seeing the movie, I understand. This movie is basically a homage to the greats of the 70’s and 80’s slasher genre. Thus, you’re gonna get copious amounts of blood, chunkies, and boobies. Enjoy!

The story was not original in any respect, but with the understanding of what this movie was intended to be, it didn’t have to be anything spectacular. I personally thought that the story was good and solid, with some plot holes here and there, leaving room for a sequel (of which I hear is already in talks). But apart from the plot holes and unoriginality, the story was just plain fun. It’s one of those bloody slasher flicks that prides itself on how gruesome and nasty is can be. It’s definitely one to remember. Great homage, very well done.

The acting was, to my surprise, very good. I wasn’t expecting much out of this ensemble cast but I was quite pleased. I was also surprised to see so many familiar faces from very different places, like: Joel Moore who played Owen in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004), Mercedes McNab who played Amanda Buckman in Addams Family Values (1993), Parry Shen who was Glen from The New Guy (2002) and was in The Hazing (2004), Robert Englund, and Tony Todd. Wow, what a cast! I was a bit worried about how Moore would do in the horror genre, but I gotta say…I was not disappointed. This film definitely has a good casting director. Everyone seemed to hit their mark, from the dumb, but flirtatious valley girl, to the racially confused tour guide, to the homicidal mutant himself. Nice work…everyone.

The gore was my favorite part of the whole movie (go figure). It was very reminiscent of the slashers of yester-year with the arterial-squirtage and limb-chopping. I loved that even though the effects and technology of today could have allotted them quite the bloody reality, they kept to the slasher roots and made it almost campy. But apart from the blood, the chunkies were also very well orchestrated. I loved the scene where that chick gets her head ripped open by the mouth (my personal fav). You will not find another flick in this day in age that has more fun with their gore than this one. Bravo!

Rating: 25. This movie was just a bucket of bloody fun. I loved every minute of it, even the boring stuff, of which was very minimal. I can’t really harp on this flick at all considering the plot holes were intentional due to a sequel being in the works; you could not ask for a better lead-in. So if you get the chance...no, screw that…make time to see this movie, you will not be disappointed! (25of25).

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)

2007-09-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

Director: Joe Lynch

Writer: Turi Meyer, Al Septien

Tagline: In the forest only they can hear you scream.

Actors: Erica Leerhsen, Henry Rollins, Texas Battle, Daniella Alonso, Steve Braun, Aleksa Palladino, Crystal Lowe, Matthew Currie Holmes, Kimberly Caldwell, Ken Kirzinger, Wayne Robson, Jeff Scrutton, Clint Carleton, Rorelee Tio, Ashlea Earl

Runtime: 1h 33m

Category: Cannibal, Mountain-Men, Torture

Synopsis: A new reality game show is the site of the massacre of almost all of its players. “The Apocalypse” is America’s newest spin-off of the hit reality series Survivor. Each player must fend for themselves in a doomsday-like environment, while completing missions set up by the producers. Their host is retired Marine Colonel Dale Murphy, who will be assisting them in the eliminations. As they are set loose into the forest, problems start. While they are out hunting for food, a grotesque family of degenerate inbreeders are hunting too…for them! The family hunts down everyone one by one until only a few are left. Can these few heroes stand against a family that has been going strong for over three generations? Who will survive THIS apocalypse?

Review: After watching the first film, I was hesitant about this one. I was hoping for a better story, better acting, and more gore. Well, I’m here to tell you…I got most of it! This straight-to-DVD movie should have been on the silver screen and it’s a shame that it will never be. This is one of the few sequels that give the original a run for its money. I tell you now, this film made me smile from beginning to end…and you will too.

The story was a bit more confusing than it should have been. The whole game show bit seemed to overpower the main story more than it should have, but it was interesting in its own rite. I liked the way they moved the story around though; making them fend for themselves then fight for their lives…very nice. It seemed more realistic then the first for some reason, I can’t quite put my finger on it. I think it might be because of the deaths of the two people you would expect to survive. Almost like, the average person can fight back too. With absolutely no segue, the back story that I would have liked from the first film finally made it into this one; where these freaks came from, where’s the rest of them, who fathered these monstrosities. All answered here. And that little twistie will bring a little smile to your face.

The acting was not as great as I had hoped. I guess it’s commonplace for straight-to-DVD movies but I gotta say, it wasn’t that bad. I would have liked to have seen some more commitment out of the freaks, of all people. It seemed as though the writers were trying to portray them as a happy family without a care in the world; especially the scene were they are all sitting down at the dinner table and start praying…PRAYING! Get that, these freaks, these killers, these degenerate inbreeders, were actually praying. That’s like…a hooker wearing a cross! But the main actors seemed to make par for the course. I was pleased to see some more realistic acting out of some more realistic characters.

The gore was, dare I say it, better than the first. It was almost perfect! That first scene of that chick getting blanked in blank by that blank with that huge blank. I did that so I don’t spoil anything. But trust me, that scene was wicked awesome! And it wasn’t the last; the more the blood flowed and the chunkies flew the more the gore had actually taken more precedence over the story, the acting, and the script…just like in Barricade (2007). It was done very well with no hose-like blood-squirting (although I do love that trick), and it was controlled enough to not get out of hand. Definitely and A+ for this section.

Rating: 22. I liked this movie better than the first. It was bloodier and had more story, making it more informative and gross. I loved it. I would recommend that once it comes out on DVD October 9th, 2007 that you go down to your local video rental store and demand a copy of this movie. If you don’t, something bad will happen to you…you might get…SCABIES! Ha ha ha…I gave you scabies! Suck on it…keeps the saliva flowin’. (22of25).

Doom (2005)

2007-09-05T13:52:00.001-07:00

Director: Andrzej Bartkowiak

Writer: Dave Callaham, Wesley Strick

Tagline: Hell Breaks Loose

Actors: Karl Urban, Rosamund Pike, Ben Daniels, Razaaq Adoti, Richard Brake, Al Weaver, Dexter Fletcher, Brian Steele, Deobia Oparei, The Rock, Yao Chin, Robert Russell

Runtime: 1h 40m

Category: Creature, Sci-Fi, Video Game, Zombie

Synopsis: After a security breach at an archeological dig on Mars, a Special Forces unit of seven Marines is deployed to clean up the mess and secure the compound. Once briefed by Pinky, the “receptionist”, they head out into the tunnels to find survivors and save any research. But there is a problem…the bodies of the deceased are reanimating and attacking our heroes; not to mention the enormous creature that seems to be following them. Dr. Grimm, a research scientist on duty at the dig, discovers a dirty secret of her former mentor…that these creatures are the mutated remains of prisoners experimented on by Dr. Carmack. They have been introduced with a twenty-fourth chromosome that has shown to give some people super-human-like abilities…while others develop into hideous creatures with a taste for blood. Can our heroes make it out in time? Will there even be anyone left?

Review: I had some high hopes for this flick, but most of them were shot down due to its low receptivity. Some research of my own enlightened me; the opening weekend, box-office sales were 15.3 million dollars (that’s over 393.2 million rubles!), whereas the rest of the week totaled only 4.2 million dollars, or 110,508,779.38 rubles. So, what does this research tell me? That people who love the video game were so ecstatic about its cinematic release that everyone and their ugly step-brother went and saw it…and 87% of those people didn’t like it. That’s not good news! But…I have a surprise for you. Just pay attention.

The story is what really turned people off about the movie. The original story from the video game followed a rogue Marine deported to Mars for talking back to a superior officer. There he finds out that a gateway to Hell has been opened and evil is pouring in. It is up to him, cozily called “Doomguy” by avid gamers, to single-handedly defeat the legions of Hell and save humanity. Wow…no pressure, eh? This story took a different route by stating that the creatures hunting them were not demons from Hell, but mutated humans. I kinda like both stories equally, although the latter has been a bit over-played. But overall I would say that this explosive story will at least entertain, if not make you a bit tingly inside.

The acting was the one thing that worried me the most. If you don’t have convincing actors then you’re not gonna sell the script, therefore you have a crappy movie. But the acting here was not as bad as I had anticipated. I’m still not too fond of The Rock as an actor, but I’m the same way with Kane in See No Evil (2006), and Triple H in Blade: Trinity (2004). I’m having a hard time getting over their satirical “day-job”. But I thought he did a good job. I also liked Karl Urban in this flick. I’m happy to finally see him in a major role instead of a sidekick or a filler character. I think we can expect more good things from him, at least.

The gore and effects were what saved this thing from being a flop. The director and writers really put their heads together and made a very visually intense film. From what I understand, Id Software sold the actual blueprints for the scenery of the game to Universal Pictures, thus, the corridors and hallways seen in the movie are exact replicas of what you would see in the game itself. That…my friends…is cool. And the gore didn’t disappoint either. I have seen less gore in torture flicks claiming to be “more disturbing” and “grotesque”. I’m telling you right now…top-notch gore!

The creatures in the movie are a bit different from those in the game. The imps in the movie don’t shoot fireballs from their hands or mouth or anything like that. This is a more real-life type creature developed by Stan Winston himself. That makes the movie even better; that all of the creatures were guys in suits, not that CGI crap. One of the major CGI scenes involves the audience being thrust into FPS (first person shooter) mode, making it almost seem like you are more “right there” in the movie than ever before. I personally thought that that was kinda hoaky at first. But then I got to thinking (which hurts by the way); when was the last time you got that kind of camera shot? The only other one I can think of was in House of the Dead (2003), and that one was god-awful. I’m very, very impressed by the graphics and gore here, all of it makes me smile.

Rating: 20. One thing you have to remember while watching this movie is that, even though the director and writers did a lot of homework regarding scenery and gore, and even though the story is completely different, this movie was made to entertain. It wasn’t made to be an exact replica of the video game, although that would’ve been sweet too. It’s just for entertainment; sit back, grab some corn, and get lost in a world of guns, monsters, blood, more blood, and the ever-popular…BFG. (20of25).

Dead Mary (2007)

2007-08-31T19:52:00.001-07:00

Director: Robert Wilson

Writer: Peter Sheldrick, Christopher Warre Smets

Tagline: You always hurt the ones you love.

Actors: Dominique Swain, Marie-Josée Colburn, Steven McCarthy, Maggie Castle, Michael Majeski, Reagan Pasternak, Jefferson Brown

Runtime: 1h 43m

Category: Possession, Supernatural

Synopsis: A group of long-time friends head up to another friend’s cabin for a weekend of relaxation. Things are awkward enough with one couple constantly feuding, so Kim decides to convince the group to play the urban-myth game of Dead Mary. After only a few partake, strange things begin to happen. That night while out for an evening swim, Lily finds Eve killing Kim’s boyfriend Matt. But Matt doesn’t seem to be dead. He has reanimated as some kind of possessed creature. Fearful of becoming one themselves, the friends decide to burn his body. Now no one knows who’s who and the entire group has gone completely paranoid. Can the survivors stick together and overcome this disease-like possession? Will there be any survivors at all?

Review: I was actually expecting to hate this movie and was totally ready to drop a huge bomb on it. Unfortunately, I cannot do that…mostly. From what I understood about this movie, it was supposed to be a cheap knock-off of Bloody Mary (2006). Now, I see why people would say this, the concept is identical; a gross over-exaggeration of the popular urban-myth game of Bloody Mary. The only reason that this movie wasn’t titled Bloody Mary as well was because they wanted it to be able to stand on its own as a horror movie, unaffiliated with any others. That being said, I think that one might find that this movie is very much the opposite of Bloody Mary (2006).

The story was slow-starting and kinda unnecessary. It seemed like the back-story was more complex than it should have rightfully been; friends sleeping around, getting caught, drinking, smoking, etc. It didn’t really pick up at all until after the possession spread further. It was just so hum-drum. I hate saying that but I have to call a spade a spade. There was no explanation as to the origins of the myth, no explanation as to why this “Dead Mary” was so vengeful, no explanation as to why she possessed people, and to top it all off…there was no sign of a ghost, or spirit, or whatever the hell kids are calling it now-a-days. Nothing! There was no ghost in sight; just a bunch of drunk stoners possessed by some cockamamie…urban-myth…witch-thingy. And just to add insult to injury (wow…I’m full of clichés tonight), the movie ended without resolve; breaking rules #4 and #9 of The Finale Contingency. Very disappointed in this department.

The acting, on the other hand, was way better than I could have imagined. Now, I’m not saying that the acting was superb, by any means, but I was very surprised at how well everyone did getting into character. I especially enjoyed Michael Majeski’s character, Dash. While he was tied up in the shed going on and on yelling at Amber, I felt he gave a stellar performance. Very, very well done.

Wavering slightly, the script is also worth mentioning. I was quite impressed by the script itself and its ability to capture exactly what it feels like to be with a bunch of friends and have one couple fighting, one couple trying to forget a cheating incident, the introduction of a newcomer to the group, and the tension of a very intricate sex-hexagon. It was naturally perfect; portraying a group of friends with some serious problems. It was amazing to see such mastery alongside such a ridiculous story. The actors definitely did a good job making a crappy story worth while.

The gore and effects were quite minimal, to my surprise. I was expecting a little more from this area, but was given…how should I say this without being hurtful…utter shit. I know that effects are not the easiest part of a horror movie, but at least make it look remotely real. Damn.

Rating: 11. I have to give major props to the writers for hammering out a solid script. The story could have been better…a lot better…but the verbal script was very well written. The actors did a great job with a bad story and made it interesting. I also have to give props to the amazingly-occasional hottie, Dominique Swain. I’ve seen her in other movies and I gotta say; she can look pretty rough. She’s probably one of the few actresses out there that can be so consistently sporadic in terms of esthetics (that’s beauty…dumb-ass). Getting back to the point, I think it would be safe to say that between the two movies Bloody Mary (2006) is far better. But, if we could take the acting and script from this movie and mingle it into the other one...whew. That would be a hell of a horror flick. (11of25).

Disturbia (2007)

2007-08-30T09:18:00.001-07:00

Director: D.J. Caruso

Writer: Christopher B. Landon, Carl Ellsworth

Tagline: Every killer lives next door to someone.

Actors: Shia LaBeouf, Sarah Roemer, Carrie-Anne Moss, David Morse, Aaron Yoo, Jose Pablo Cantillo, Matt Craven, Viola Davis

Runtime: 1h 45m

Category: Killer, Psychological

Synopsis: After a fight with his teacher in school, Kale is sentenced to three months of house arrest. Strapped with an ankle tracker and without his internet, cable, or X-Box, boredom sets in. Without anything else to do, Kale starts to spy on his neighbors in an attempt to alleviate his boredom. Soon after, Kale meets his sexy new neighbor, Ashley, and begins to take a special interest in his weird neighbor Robert Turner. After a couple if young girls disappear, Kale notices how their vanishing is similar to how girls were vanishing in Texas three years earlier. He also realizes that Mr. Turner moved to the neighborhood around the same time, from Texas.
After seeing what seems like an assault on a young girl one night in Turner’s house, Kale and his friends decide to find out exactly what’s going on with this strange, quiet neighbor. What starts out as fighting boredom ends up as a fight to protect his family and himself from a possible mass murderer.

Review: I took some time after viewing Disturbia (2007) to think about this review. I was kinda torn with this movie. I liked the way the movie played out and how it was set up. There were things about this movie that I didn’t like, but I’ll get to those in a second. It was interesting to see how much trouble one young man can get into while on house arrest, but it seems that trouble follows Kale wherever he goes.

The main body of the storyline was interesting and well written, and I like Shia as an actor, so I have to say the acting was enjoyable. The character of Robert Turner was well played and a great nemesis. This quiet, unassuming neighbor being this vicious, relentless murderer, has built a catacomb of sorts under his house to hide the bodies of the numerous young women he’s killed over the last three years, and Kale can’t do much but watch because he can’t leave the house.

The whole film gives you this kind of “voyeur vibe”; at first you kinda watch the kids around the block sneak porn, and you wonder why parents would not only put a big screen television in their kid’s room, but also give them access to satellite television. Then you see the husband and wife with the hot housekeeper and you have to wonder how the wife doesn’t suspect anything. Then the movie just gets dark and suspenseful as more of Turner’s darkness flows to the surface.

Soon after the danger starts, Mr. Turner pumps up the heat as he gets Kale’s friends and family involved. Not only does “Mr. Turner” try to get close to Kale’s mom, he also turns things around on Kale during a stakeout as he confronts Ashley in a parking garage. All of this gave me an uneasy feeling that lasted the rest of the film.

Now, the weak points aren’t many but they are worth mentioning. When you make a creepy film like this one, you have to be careful that the love story doesn’t overtake the fear factor, and that’s something that happened here. It seems as though the writers forgot for a second that this was supposed to be a scary movie. The other problem I had was with the fact that while Kale’s father’s death started the movie, the script didn’t deal with the effects his father’s death had on him. That kind of open-handed fuck-up does a lot to kill a storyline, because no one forgets things like that.

Rating: I have to go with a 16 for this one. Although I liked the movie, the weak points were enough to keep me from rating it higher. With a movie like this, I expect to be scared out of my shorts…not lulled by a pretty girl. As I said, the story was written pretty well, but the forgotten story about his father’s death and the impact it had on Kale did a lot of damage to the storyline. Other than those two flaws, I would recommend Disturbia (2007) to anyone looking for a good movie. (16of25).

Bloody Mary (2006)

2007-08-30T07:46:00.000-07:00

Director: Richard Valentine

Writer: Richard Valentine

Tagline: To release the greatest evil on earth all you have to do is say her name.

Actors: Jaason Simmons, Kim Tyler, Matt Borlenghi, Danni Hamilton, Amber Borycki, Eero Johnson, Christian Schrapff, Troy Turi, Anna Pippus, Lindsay Marett, Brianne Wigeland, Richard Carmen, Cory Monteith, Jessica Lous, Lauren Hammersley, Richard Valentine

Runtime: 1h 33m

Category: Ghost, Killer, Supernatural

Synopsis: Natalie is searching for her sister Nicole who has been missing for a week. She was a nurse at the State Psychiatric Hospital, where underneath lies a maze of electrical tunnels with one very specific end. It ends at a mirror…a simple mirror. But what only Nicole’s friends know is that behind that mirror lies the vengeful spirit of the one and only Bloody Mary; whom, thirty years earlier, had escaped into these very tunnels and starved to death. She’s real…as real as death. She took Nicole because she was talking too much, and now she is after the rest of her friends. With hospital staff and patients turning up dead and eyes gouged out, it’s up to Natalie and a police friend of hers to figure out just what the hell is going on up at that hospital. Can she stop Mary and end her murderous rampage?

Review: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it until the day my daughter takes over the site: expect nothing! Go into every movie with as few expectations as possible; that way, if there are let-downs, you’re not so crushed. That being said, I thought that Valentine did an excellent job portraying Bloody Mary. The visualizations and gore effects were well done and the story was very solid. I think we should be looking for more from Mr. Valentine.

The story was actually very good. I liked how they changed the rules a little bit. A little research will tell you that there are many different variations to this popular sleepover game; none of which include being naked. That is why I say they changed the rules. Valentine was successful in being able to change the rules for some mandatory toob-shots. He was also successful in getting three very attracting chicks to pop top and show some extra skin. Very nice. Other than that, the rest of the story was also very good. I liked how Mary was able to get to you through any mirror; very reminiscent of The Ring (2002). With this creepy story and some unexpected twists you’re sure to enjoy it.

The script was probably written by a bunch of artards with their thumbs up their butts. Thanks for the toob-shots and the gore, because the script sounded like something out of a Troma picture (no offense Troma…we love you; I’ll call you later). It isn’t the worst I’ve seen, but it was just so blah. Maybe it was because all of the actors seemed to have suffered emotional nerve damage. I don’t think I saw one emotion out of these turds; even the guy that got punched in the throat didn’t show emotion. The throat! That’s gotta freakin’ hurt, man. I would’a been hella-pissed. Damn! Well…I guess I can segue in the acting section now…

The acting was kinda…eh. Not terrific…not terrible. I think I could best describe it as…par. Just enough to get through the movie. Not a whole lot of convincing performances from anyone…but usually when chicks pop top in B-movies, like this one, there acting skills were not the reason they were hired…booyah!

The gore and effects were quite caliber for such an underrated film. I was surprised to see such attention to detail as I did here. With eye-gouging, and hammer-bashing, and some other bloody goodies, this would have to be the best part of the movie. I think that the amount of control over the death scenes was very well orchestrated (except for Railroad’s scene). It was nothing like Barricade (2007) or Hellraiser (1987), but definitely well done.

Rating: Weighing out all of the down points and the rest of the film, I’ve come up with a 16. Even though I very much enjoyed the movie, I have to be objective. The gore and story were very well done, but the acting and script were not as good. More weight was put into the positive side due to some righteous toob-shots of some very attractive women. If you get a chance and want to see a good B-rate flick, check this one out. The compelling story, twisties, and overwhelming sense of dread and paranoia well definitely feed your appetite. (16of25).

Chainsaw Sally (2004)

2007-08-28T03:41:00.000-07:00

Director: Jimmyo Burril

Writer: Jimmyo Burril

Tagline: Killing is in Her Blood!

Actors: April Monique Burril, Mark Redfield, Alec Joseph, David R. Calhoun, Kristen Hudson, Aaron Martinek, Brad Smoley, Jennifer Rouse, Lesley Vernot, Gunnar Hansen, Herschell Gordon Lewis, Suzi Lorraine, Shawn Jones, Melissa Griffith, Andy Wentsel

Runtime: 1h 23m

Category: Cannibal, Comedy, Slasher

Synopsis: Sally lives in a small town and is your average librarian by day. But by night she is a chainsaw wielding serial killer. After witnessing both her parents being murdered by three escaped lunatics, she develops a lust for being a vigilante; killing people she feels have done wrong. Now, with a wealthy land owner in town to sell a two-hundred acre parcel to a local developer, Sally is in fear of losing the shelter of her hideout. One by one she stalks and methodically kills each person to make sure her secret is not revealed.

Review: I thought this was a low budget winner. This movie had the gore, comedy, bizarre back story, bad acting and bad scenery that are needed for a successful B movie. Now, I know that when you do something low budget it looks less than spectacular but listen, when they first show Sally in the library it is the size of my office at work. You couldn’t fit ten bookshelves in this thing. It is quite possible that I have more books than this library. There are a few scenes that Sally is recreating the infamous The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) scene where Leather Face is swinging the chainsaw around like an idiot in the middle of the road and it kinda looks like a dance. This works in this film for two reasons: 1. she is a chainsaw wielding freak of a serial killer with stripped socks like she is the Wicked Witch of the West’s sister that the house fell on in the beginning of The Wizard of Oz (1939). 2. Gunnar Hansen (Leather Face in the original TCM) is her father in the movie. So I guess it is poetic justice that he makes it infamous and she is pushing cleavage out during it. I don’t know really what that has to do with anything but I have to say she had great rackage.

The first guy to get killed in this movie is something out of a SNL sketch. He was the stereotypical long haired hick asshole that when he died you had been rooting for it. Ok, so he gets killed for talking too loud in the library. It was so funny. Actually all of the death scenes were because of some absolutely ridiculous reason. Let’s just say you don’t want to keep a book past its due date in Sally’s town. I loved that it was all so “over the top” especially the acting. Sally’s little brother Rudy is a huge flamer. He is a transvestite who wears a pink boa around his neck. What are you, the gay son of the Hulkster? Actually, now that I think about it he kinda looks like Hulk Hogan’s kid if he was a little fatter and a lot gayer. Tone it down a little, its called “acting” not “take your giant pink flowery neck dick to work day”. Damn! What’s wrong with people? Keep your weird shit at home, locked up and far away from the rest of us. We don’t want to see that shit. Anyway, then there were the two cops. I would have felt safer if Barney Fife and an artard had been watching my back. These two dingleberrys had no business being cops. The best line in the movie is when the cops go into a room and see a bunch of chopped up dead bodies and the one cop says, “This guy is in trouble.” And the other cop responds with, “Trouble is being a couple of months late on your truck payment, this is the guy that would be sitting around jerkin off with a jar of Jiff peanut butter and a pot pie.” I thought I was going to die. I laughed so hard I had to pause the movie. There was another scene where Sally and the land owner Steve Kellerman are walking through town and having a conversation about how Batman is gay because he slides down a pole and wears tights. The only person that was really believable was the slutty assistant to the real estate developer. She was the kind of slut you take home and treat her like a farm animal; and that is what ends up happening to her. So it all works out in the end. No pun intended.

In closing, the character of Sally was actually just supposed to be a part of the website of director Jimmyo Burril’s website for another movie. She got so much attention that he and his wife April (Sally) decided to put it to life on film. Sally is what Jimmyo stated as modeled after his wife. She didn’t seem upset but rather geeked that she helped create the character.

Rating: I know that I am going to take shit for this but 17. I thought it was a really fun movie. I liked that the acting was more overdone than a Nicholas Cage project and that the plot was goofy like when Jim Carrey was actually funny. It was really cheesy but I liked it. I know that a lot of people won’t get it but if that is the case don’t freakin watch it then. Some of it was dry but sill worth the look. It is not so easy to find unless you have Blockbuster’s Total Access package. That thing is awesome. Check it out if you like an overflow of cheese on your nachos. Otherwise don’t eat nachos. (17of25).

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

2007-08-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

Director: David R. Ellis

Writer: John Heffernan, Sebastian Gutierrez, David Dalessandro

Tagline: At 30,000 feet, snakes aren't the deadliest thing on this plane.

Actors: Samuel L. Jackson, Julianna Margulies, Nathan Phillips, Rachel Blanchard, Flex Alexander, Kenan Thompson, Keith Dallas, Lin Shaye, Bruce James, Sunny Mabrey, Casey Dubois, Daniel Hogarth, Gerard Plunkett, Terry Chen, Elsa Pataky

Runtime: 1h 45m

Category: Creature, Killer, Thriller

Synopsis: After witnessing the murder of an American prosecutor, Sean is ambushed by the mob at his apartment in Honolulu. He is saved by FBI agent Neville Flynn (Samuel L Jackson). Sean is set to testify against the mob boss Eddie Kim in Los Angeles. However, Kim has loaded hundreds of poisonous snakes into the cargo hold and once they are in the air they are released into the rest of the plane. At 30,000 feet no on can hear you scream and is it possible to stop that many snakes from killing everyone on the flight before it reaches LA? What do you think, its Samuel L. Jackson.

Review: I’m tired of all the mother fuckin’ hype behind this mother fuckin’ movie! It was awful. It was such a ridiculous concept that unless Sam Jackson was contractually obligated to do a shitty movie with this studio he should be slapped for putting his name on this diarrhea-fest of a movie. See, the G’d out rapper aptly named Three G’s is a well spoken black man in real life. He plays a well spoken detective on TNT’s series The Closer. It was not believable that he was a rapper who talks jive. Although it was funny that he was a germaphobe. The low budget, Paris Hilton rich bitch character is so overdone that I wanted her dead from the minute I heard her talking, which made me dumber by the way. Then there was the horny pilot, the retiring flight attendant or stewardess, depending on if you feel the need to acknowledge the woman’s lib movement, the pregnant lady, two kids under 10 years old flying alone for the first time. Oh yeah, and there was an Asian dude who had been fighting in a martial arts competition. It was actually Clichés on a Plane.

Here is the truth; big budgets don’t mean good movies. I have seen B and even some C movies that would kick this thing’s ass all over town. See they used some real snakes but the bulk of them were CGI. That was to be expected but they picked the rarest snakes in the world and put them together. It just didn’t make sense. Somehow the FBI finds a guy that can produce the anti-venom for all of the snakes. God love modern technology. He gets pics of the snakes via camera phone and is able to find an anti-venom for all of them. Again cliché. It was shot beautifully and every scene and shot were carefully crafted. But the dialog and plot were bad. Now, it did have a few scenes that made me jump but hey, when a poisonous snake shoots out of somewhere you don’t expect snakes to be it is a little unsettling. The movie tried to give itself a boost by adding boobs and Samuel L Jackson. It didn’t work.

Rating: 8. I was disappointed from the moment they got on the plane. I love Samuel Jackson but I have realized one thing; if he is not yelling at you he is talking very low and monotone. There is no in-between normal voice for him. If you like Samuel Jackson movies you may enjoy this. If that is the case, waste the $3.50. If you don’t want to piss away two hours and $3.50 of you life and hard earned money wait until it comes out on network TV. It can’t be much worse there. You still won’t get the two hours back though. (8of25).

Final Destination 3 (2006)

2007-08-18T23:20:00.001-07:00

Director: James Wong

Writer: Glen Morgan, James Wong, Jeffrey Reddick

Tagline: This Ride Will Be The Death Of You.

Actors: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Ryan Merriman, Kris Lemche, Alexz Johnson, Sam Easton, Jesse Moss, Gina Holden, Texas Battle, Chelan Simmons, Crystal Lowe, Amanda Crew, Maggie Ma, Ecstasia Sanders, Jody Racicot, Patrick Gallagher

Runtime: 1h 33m

Category: Fantasy, Thriller

Synopsis: Death’s at it again! At a high school carnival, Wendy and her classmates get set to ride the rollercoaster, when fear starts to set in. Before the ride is set to take off, Wendy has a horrifying premonition of the rollercoaster derailing and killing everyone on board. Coming out of her dream, Wendy freaks out and gets herself and the rear passengers kicked off the coaster (surprise, surprise). Wendy’s horrors are realized when soon after the ride starts, the cars derail and everyone aboard dies a horrible death.

Feeling grief over losing her boyfriend, Wendy starts to feel that something sinister is amiss…like Death is coming to finish the job. Together, Wendy and her best friend’s boyfriend, Kevin, start to try and disrupt Death’s plan…and save the remaining survivors.
Review: Well, what more can be said…Death started another list, and again some stupid teenager got too close to its plans. By this time we know some things about Final Destination already:

Death likes large groups
If you get too close to death it gives you premonitions
Even if Death’s first plan gets messed up…it always has a backup
You can’t cheat death…you only give it time to come up with a better plan (Death likes to be entertained)

The death scenes in Final Destination are always interesting and, dare I say it, fun! The writers always seem to invest time and effort into creating new and fresh ideas to dispatch their victims. The newest scare tactic brought to Final Destination was a creepy-ass song that played whenever Death set something in motion.

There were a bunch of new twists introduced into the third film. This time the deaths were traceable through pictures taken at the carnival. A second twist was that no matter how many deaths were skipped, Death never seemed to stop. The weirdest twist was one of the victims that was skipped, being convinced that if the last person in line was killed, i.e. Wendy, that the whole trial of death would be stopped.

But this is the ‘final’ final film for Final Destination and Death isn’t leaving loose ends. As a cherry on top of the sundae, Death decides to give Wendy another premonition; only this time, it waits until Kevin, her sister, and herself are on the subway together. That’s when Death makes its movie and gives her the premonition right before she’s about to die, giving her no chance to stop things again. Humans loose…Death wins! This leaves Death as the unchallenged master of his craft.

Rating: Final Destination just gets better each time. Like I said before: appetizer, dinner, and the oh-so-yummy- desert! And this movie would be my favorite…banana pudding. The death scenes were artistic and bloody. The acting was passable and the cinematography was as dark and foreboding as the first two. I was impressed…when I first saw part three I thought it was gonna be a watered-down version of the first two, but I was surprised at how fresh and new it was. It’s amazing to me how many times movies claim to be truly scary (Hostel: Part II (2007)) and they just can’t pull it off. Whereas Final Destination kept it fresh and new all three times. I’m glad I was given an outlet for my thoughts. I truly do love good movies and being able to share my thoughts on movies; good and bad…it makes me happy. (23of25).

Devil’s Trade - The Movie

2007-08-18T22:07:00.001-07:00

Director: Toby Wilkins

Writer: Ben Ketai

Tagline: [None Yet]

Actors: Ed Canossa, Ginny Weirick, Michael Conti, Marina Resa

Runtime: 25m 21s

Category: Curse

Synopsis: This is a culmination of all seven illustrious episodes of the hit web-series Devil’s Trade. Darren has just purchased a creepy, wooden cross from some girl over the internet. The cross is said to be cursed, and made out of wood from the legendary Devil’s Tree. Once the cross arrives at his house, strange things start to happen to Darren and his sister Anna and her boyfriend Jim. Once Anna starts believing in the curse, they decide to destroy it; which has dire consequences. They find out that the only way to get rid of the curse is to sell off the cross to someone else. Now on the road to meet the girl who originally sold it to him, Darren leaps from the car, in a deadly, desperate maneuver to catch one more glimpse at a burning tree. After police questioning, Anna and Jim settle into a motel. In a desperate attempt to save them, Anna sells the cross to a trucker a few doors down; only to comeback to the room to find Jim drowning in the bathtub! Can they make it to the girl’s house in time to stop the curse? Can it even be stopped?

Review: I would have to say that this was a nice little web-series. I very much enjoyed it as a curse flick and as an entertainment piece. I think that we can expect more great things out of these two powerful companies.

The story was very interesting indeed; a cursed cross causes supernatural harm to three youths. Not all-together new, but definitely a breath of fresh air. It was nice to see something that wasn’t your average slasher or zombie flick; even your average curse flick. I think that most people, even if they are not fans of the “curse” sub-genre, will enjoy this little collaboration of horror.

The acting was not as bad as I had anticipated. I was expecting really bad, college-student acting, but it was nothing at all like that. The acting was actually pretty good for a small production. I really enjoy movies more when I don’t know any, or most, of the actors; it gives me less of a bias opinion.

The gore and effects were very well done. Ghost House Productions and FEARnet have been able to make a mini-series just as professional as any A-rate flick out there. The blood was very well orchestrated and nicely placed. No overkill or unnecessary squirtage, just simple, bloody gore!

Rating: Overall, through each seven episodes I would have to rate this series a 22. It was very well done and very well scripted. The only thing I would have changed is to have a longer back-story on the girl who sold Darren the cross; that, and maybe a flashback or two to the time when the Devil’s Tree was born. I really enjoy flashbacks if you haven’t been able to tell. But that’s pretty much it. If you have an extra twenty-five minutes to spare…catch this mini-series. (22of25).

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Devil’s Trade - 107 - An Awful Truth

2007-08-18T21:26:00.001-07:00

Director: Toby Wilkins

Writer: Ben Ketai

Tagline: [None Yet]

Actors: Ed Canossa, Ginny Weirick, Michael Conti

Runtime: 4m 45s

Category: Curse

Synopsis: After selling the cross to the trucker, Anna finds Jim drowning in the bathtub, being held under by some unseen hand. She rescues him and together they head back out on the road to find the girl who sold Darren the cross. When they find the girl’s house, Anna goes inside while Jim waits in the car. What Anna finds is a new horror that will only be visible once she steps outside and sees what’s left of Jim.

Review: I was really hoping for a nice twist for this little series. I definitely got it. I was pleased to see that the curse does not die, like most curses. I also liked the fact that Anna was the only survivor. Speaking of that, how about Jim and that SUV? Damn, that was a nice hit; tagged his ass right in the hipster. Take that Macho Man Randy Savage!

Rating: 20. I loved the episode but I was hoping for more gore. I loved the make-up and prosthetics on the dead girl, but I think that if she were to have moved or something, I would have shit my pants. It’s one of those things you aren’t really expecting; like those brats from The Shining (1980)…when they spoke, I think I shit myself then too. I’m hoping for more from FEARnet and Ghost House Productions. I think that this will be a beautiful partnership…God, listen to me…somebody get me my freakin’ tampons! (20of25).

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Devil’s Trade - 106 - Sell It

2007-08-18T21:24:00.001-07:00

Director: Toby Wilkins

Writer: Ben Ketai

Tagline: [None Yet]

Actors: Ed Canossa, Ginny Weirick, Michael Conti

Runtime: 4m 20s

Category: Curse

Synopsis: The night Darren dies, Anna has a horrible nightmare about him. Exhausted, she stumbles down to the trucker’s room. After he opens the door, she falls to her knees and begs him to buy the cross. Not wanting to hear her wailing all night, he obliges and the cross is gone…but is the curse?

Review: I thought that this episode was crucial. It showed the kind of effects the curse has on it victims; not necessarily physically. It had worn Anna down to damn near nothing and caused her to have a complete break. This part of the story was very intense and important. Anna selling the cross to the trucker was an integral moment of the series. According to the girl that sold Darren the cross, now that Anna has sold it, the curse should be lifted from them. But it doesn’t seem like it.

The story has really taken off and I’m glad to have been a viewer. If the final episode is anything like the last two…I’ll be happy.

Rating: 22. I have rated this episode very high strictly because of the integral plot-points. This episode has pulled together much of the series and given it another direction; in stead of just trying to get in contact with the girl who sold it to Darren, they are now exhausted to the point of desperation. Excellent episode. (22of25).

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Devil’s Trade - 105 - The Burning Tree

2007-08-18T20:26:00.001-07:00

Director: Toby Wilkins

Writer: Ben Ketai

Tagline: [None Yet]

Actors: Ed Canossa, Ginny Weirick, Michael Conti

Runtime: 4m 3s

Category: Curse

Synopsis: Anna, Jim, and Darren are heading to the house of the girl he bought the cross from. On the highway, Darren, in the back seat, sees an amazing fire engulfing a tree atop a foothill. Driven by an unseen force, Darren opens the car door and throws himself out. Anna and Jim stop the car and rush to Darren’s aid, only for him to find out that the burning tree is gone. After Darren’s tragic death, Anna and Jim settle into a seedy motel. Some fat trucker makes eyes at Anna and tries to make small talk but she and Jim retire to their room. Things are not going the way they had hoped.

Review: I was very impressed by this episode. I was hoping to get a little more gore this time around, and by golly, I got it! The effects used on Darren after he took his little spill were amazingly believable. Apart from that, the story took an interesting twist by making the curse physically pull Darren from the care by sheer will. I thought that that was a great addition; kinda like personifying the curse or something.

Rating: 23. This episode gave you everything you want out of a horror movie/webisode: gore, a continually compelling story, gore, a hot chick, gore, and bodily mutilation due to a mangling vehicular encounter…and gore. One of the best episodes yet…keep watching! (23of25).

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Bleeders (1997)

2007-08-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

Director: Peter Svatek

Writer: H.P. Lovecraft, Charles Adair, Dan O'Bannon, Ronald Shusett, Gerald Seth Sindell

Tagline: It's in the blood

Actors: Gillian Ferrabee, Pascal Gruselle, Roy Dupuis, Kristin Lehman, Joanna Noyes, Felicia Shulman, Janine Theriault, Michelle Brunet, David Deveau, Spencer Evans, Rutger Hauer, Leni Parker, Lisa Bronwyn Moore

Runtime: 1h 29m

Category: Book Adaptation, Creature

Synopsis: John and Kathleen Strauss arrive in a small island town in search of his ancestors. John has a degenerative blood disease that causes him seizures and hemophilia. During some investigation, Kathleen discovers from the local doctor that a family known as the Van Daam’s, who settled the area over three-hundred years ago, had the same type of disease, including dissimilar eye coloring, just like John. The doctor explains that the Van Daams were in-breeders, and that the vast amount of time had subjected the bloodline to countless mutations. But what Kathleen doesn’t know is that John’s relatives, the Van Daam’s, who supposedly died out seventy-five years prior, are still alive…and feeding. Once they are discovered, the town pulls itself together and wages an all-out war against the freakish family, leaving John with the ultimate decision: long-lost family, or his wife.

Review: I was very surprised by this movie. I was not expecting to like it at all. I figured it was gonna be some kind of chemical mutation movie or something like that, but the story was quite different. I think that it is my duty to let the masses know about good and bad movies, and I have a good one for you…

The story is not an old one; a rich and powerful family fearful of disease polluting their bloodlines begins in-breeding to keep their blood pure…oh, sweet irony! But the way they went about it was absolutely fantastic. I loved that John was the only Van Daam to have been born normal. I also loved the fact that he was like the Van Daam prodigal son; their long-lost heir. It was definitely an enjoyable story with some cool twists that will not scare you in the least…but they will make you smile.

The acting was not as bad as I thought it really could have been. I was expecting something B-rate and cheesy with some comedy thrown in because the director and writer are cracked-out, pudding-eating cowboys with leather, ass-less chaps, who’s living room looks like page 37 of the Pottery Barn catalog. But…I was wrong. And, I must mention, again, even though I am not a fan of nudity or sex in horror movies…I was very impressed by Kristin Lehman’s sex performance…in other words, her sacting (that’s sex-acting…artard!). She was able to convince me beyond a reasonable doubt, your honor, that she was actually having great sex. Not a lot of actresses now-a-days can act like that; or even act. But apart from some amazing sacting, the acting was just ok; great for a sleeper, but could have been better… Roy Duffus…I mean Dupuis, could have been less of an effeminate, vampirish weirdo, and more of a…guy. Yeah, what the hell…that sounds good.

The gore and effects were a merit in their own rite. The prosthetics, make-up and props were masterfully done; believable, realistic, and freaky. I’m not gonna pull a Tyson on you but, it was actually very good. It’s not that the costumes and prosthetics were scary-looking; it’s more of the fact that since in-breeding cannot be scientifically tested and analyzed, and therefore studied and mapped, when someone comes up with an idea of what they think people could end up looking like due to severe in-breeding, it really freaks me out. Think about it: we are the most complex of all of God’s creations…we are the most intelligent, most skillful, and most evil…and when you take that kind of complexity and complicate it further, what do you get? A freakish race of subterranean humanoids with a nasty taste for embalmed human flesh. Yum.

Rating: 22. I really couldn’t find much wrong with the movie apart from some minor slips here and there. The only thing I think could have made this flick better would have been a more extensive back-story on the Van Daam’s. I would have liked to see some visuals of the Van Daam’s transformation from the societal norm to mutated cave-people…but nothing’s free I guess. Other than that this movie was actually really good. I would recommend this to anyone who is looking for an interesting story with some cool make-up and prosthetics. (22of25).

Andre the Butcher (2005)

2007-08-15T05:45:00.000-07:00

Director: Philip Cruz

Writer: Philip Cruz, James Hyde

Tagline: Dead Meat. It's what's for dinner.

Actors: April Billingsley, Maury Sterling, Heather Joy Budner, Justin Capaz, Terry Mross, Ron Jeremy, Faye Canada, Elizabeth Mullins, Gene Nash, Alan Fessenden, Kevin Campbell, Miranda

Runtime: 1h 27m

Category: Comedy, Religious, Slasher

Synopsis: A cheerleading team is heading to nationals to show their stuff and get sidetracked when their car crashes. Walking along country roads, they eventually find a house to stop at to ask for a phone, but no one is home. They let themselves in and relax as if it was their own homes having no idea that they are in the home of the infamous Andre the Butcher. They are soon joined by two escaped convicts and a dirty sheriff. As Andre shows them the error of their ways they are dropping dead one at a time. Will anyone be without sin and survive?

Review: This movie was as brutally bad as it was hilarious. The cheerleading team was four people; three girls and one guy. It was very stereotypical of them to have the church girl with lesbian tendencies, the slut who need a freakin crotch post fifteen minutes into the movie, the token fat chick who never stops thinking about food, and the surfer-looking tool of a male cheerleader who wants to have sex with all three. According to my calculations, four people make a euchre game, not a cheerleading team. I mean if there are only four, what kind of pyramid do you have? I’ll tell you what kind; a shitty one! It kind of looks like the Roman numeral II.

Anyway, so the cheerleaders should be the least of your concerns about this movie. Next were the two convicts that had no desire to have sex with horny teenage girls making out, topless. GAY! Freakin’ gay. I mean there was no interest at all. I didn’t think they were hot, but, if I had been in jail and chained to a fuckin’ fat dude, and then saw two teenage cheerleaders making out in some topless HLA (Hot Lesbian Action) I’d want to bang them. That’s all I have to say about that.

The best part about this is that it is the first time I have seen stunt boobs since the cover of Pretty Woman (1990), which ironically had whores in it too. What a coincidence. I thought it was odd that you didn’t see the sluts face while she was topless, but who am I to argue with unnecessary nudity in a bad horror movie. The cop, who was a resale shop version of R. Lee Ermy’s Sheriff Hoyt in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), just didn’t fit in at all. He had about fifteen minutes of over done airtime and could have been killed way earlier in the movie.

Now for the killer; the Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy is the killer. There is nothing less believable than a disgustingly fat and hairy porn star acting the part of a homicidal maniac, who actually stops at one point in the movie to knock one out behind a tree while watching someone sunbathe. It was absolutely ridiculous. The only savings grace, ok the only person that was kick ass in this flick, was the narrator. He was like Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazzard, meets Sid Haig, meets the creepy older version of Ron Jeremy beating off behind a tree while drooling over some young piece of poontang lying out in the sun. The dude freakin rocked the whole movie. Every time he came on I laughed my ass off.

The movie was shot so it looked kinda like a documentary. Not "A" movie quality but not as bad as using your home video camera either. There was really no blood in it either. There is one death scene in which a van pulls up to someone broke down on the side of the road and you see the person flagging down the van and the next thing is dead bodies in the van and the hatch is shutting and the driver leaves. No chopping them up, no stabbing, no torture, nothing; just a jump to dead bodies. It was bullshit.

Everything was so unrealistic about this flaming turd of a film. Who in the blue hell goes up to a house in the country and just walks in and starts getting it on in someone else’s house? Oh, and there is a scene where the fat chick tries to seduce the male cheerleader who is conveniently named Jimbo, and as she is getting ready to service him she gets enticed in another direction by a doughnut hanging by a string from a tree like it was an eating contest at summer camp. It was one of the funniest things in the movie.

Rating: 8. This movie is just a flaming abortion. I have seen movies that were bad before but I think this one is in my top three worst. The absolute lack of any substance was inexcusable. However it was funny as hell because it was so ridiculous, but that does not excuse the lack of effort by anyone involved in this thing. If you find it, and you like ‘em cheezy, check it out. If you want something good don’t bother. While it is a funny movie it is still an abortion, and abortions are not cool. (8of25).

Final Destination 2 (2003)

2007-08-14T08:18:00.000-07:00

Director: David R. Ellis

Writer: Jeffrey Reddick, J. Mackye Gruber, Eric Bress

Tagline: It’s not over yet…

Actors: Ali Larter, A.J. Cook, Michael Landes, Tony Todd, Terrence ‘T.C.’ Carson, Jonathan Cherry, Keegan Conner Tracy, Lynda Boyd, James Kirk, David Paetkau, Justina Machado, Sarah Carter, Alejandro Rae, Shaun Sipos

Runtime: 1h 30m

Category: Fantasy, Thriller

Synopsis: Death’s back on the job again! Eight strangers’ lives are forever changed after a young girl’s premonition about their impending death keeps them from getting on the highway. Getting in the way of Death’s plans only causes more problems as Death comes back to finish the job. The only way to get Death off their back is to disrupt the chain of doom. Can this young girl save the rest of the survivors, and herself?

Review: Final Destination 2 (2003) was better than the first one. It was like part one was the appetizer and part two is the main course. So I guess part three would be like the dessert (now I’m hungry, dammit! I want a donut).

Unlike Hostel: Part II (2007), Final Destination 2 (2003) did not disappoint in the blood and gore department…or the creativity. The use of the giant log and the airbag just made you wince in fear. And when the guy was quartered by the wires I caught a sick chill and started to smile. It’s clear to me that a lot of thought went into writing a good script each time in order to keep things fresh. Because, doing a series like this can get dull if you don’t use Death to its full potential. The most fun was the young boy’s death. You would think that a heavy pane of glass falling onto someone would just flatten them out, but…booyah! Total blender-meat!

Again the director kept with the dark and mysterious, keeping you in your seat with Death at every turn and paranoia running rampant. It seems like Death was trying to drive everyone crazy in order to keep them in line and kill them off. There’s not really much bad to say Final Destination so far; the first one was a great lead-in to part two and they did a great job of tying the information from both stories together, even including the heroine from part one as a pivotal character in the middle to try and change the tide, but, as always, Death doesn’t half-ass a job. If things continue on this path, part three is sure to be a winner.

Rating: Final Destination 2 (2003) was a clear improvement over part one, so I’d have to give part two a 23. I’m given to Flights of Fancy with movies like this…yes, they are summer teenage movies, but grab a cold drink and some popcorn and they will be fun for the horror movie lover in all of us…snoochie boochies!! (thanks Kevin Smith) (23of25).

Final Destination (2000)

2007-08-14T08:12:00.000-07:00

Director: James Wong

Writer: Jeffrey Reddick, Glen Morgan, James Wong

Tagline: No Accidents. No Coincidences. No Escapes. You Can’t Cheat Death.

Actors: Devon Shaw, Ali Larter, Kerr Smith, Tony Todd, Kristen Cloke, Sean William Scott, Daniel Roebuck, Roger Guenveur Smith, Chad Donella, Amanda Waggner, Brendan Fehr, Lisa Marie Caruk, Christine Chatelain, Barbara Tyson, Robert Wisden, P. Lynn Johnson, Larry Gilman

Runtime: 1h 38m

Category: Fantasy, Thriller

Synopsis: Alex Browning and his classmates are on their way to Paris, but Alex has a problem; he can’t seem to shake his fear of flying. After dozing off, Alex has a realistic, distractive dream; a dream in which he and his classmates die on that very flight. After freaking out and getting himself and five other classmates and some teachers kicked off, Alex’s fears are realized when soon after takeoff their very flight explodes. Having dodged Death’s bullet, he’s convinced that the spirit of Death isn’t done with them yet as it hunts them down one by one in the order they were seated on the plane. Alex decides that he can beat Death at its own game by interrupting the chain of destruction. Soon they will discover that you can’t beat Death, you can only make the hunt more fun.

Review: Final Destination (2000) was a damn good film. Sometimes a summer teenage movie can be a breakthrough film and be great. The plotline and script were completely original. How many other movies can you say gave you this screwed up of a story?

Death made a decision to go after this plane full of people and one rotten teenager decides to mess things up. I would’ve been pissed off too. The death scenes were refreshing and original. Death was a master of his craft and didn’t hesitate to lay the smack down on his victims in some interesting and intricate ways.

Once Alex was queued into Death’s plan it seemed like he could see Death coming, which left the movie looking dark and foreboding with impending doom for the main characters.

The acting itself was decent. Devon Shaw, Ali Larter, and Kerr Smith are all good actors—Ali Larter is so hot by the way—and Tony Todd is down right creepy. As I touched on before, the movie was shot in such a way that it started dark and creepy and continued on that path till the very end. The biggest surprise is that Alex and Clear came out on top because we all know once you get on Death’s list…that bastard won’t stop till the job is done; because Death’s job is…well, death stupid! And business is good!

Rating: I’ve gotta go with a 22 for this one. This movie proved the same thing that Jonny Cage said about Premonition (2007); just because you can see the future doesn’t mean you can change things…you see them as they are meant to happen; or you are the cause of these bad things. When I first saw this movie it gave me a bit of The Sticky Factor; I didn’t want to leave the theatre for fear of missing something good. I have to say that it kinda changes The “Back to the Future” Rule in a way, because even though Alex saw the future, he was only able to alter it, not really change anything. All said and done Final Destination (2000) was an impressive film with good acting and story that will leave you glued to your seat and waiting for the next one. (22of25).

Malevolence (2004)

2007-08-11T04:45:00.001-07:00

Director: Stevan Mena

Writer: Stevan Mena

Tagline: No one gets out alive…

Actors: Samantha Dark, R. Brandon Johnson, Heather Magee, Richard Glover, Courtney Bertolone, John Richard Ingram, Keith Chambers, Kevin McKelvey, Lenn Gross, Pamela Marie Guida, Mia Lotringer, Stevan Mena

Runtime: 1h 30m

Category: Slasher

Synopsis: In 1989, Martin Bristol was kidnapped from his front yard…he was never found. Today, a group of bank robbers are on the run after a robbery goes wrong. Opting to split up and meet later, one of the robbers carjacks and kidnaps a mother and her daughter, while the others bury one of the other members after he’s shot during the robbery. By the time the last two arrive at the abandoned home, all they find is a bag of money and the mother. Unknown to everyone, they’ve stepped onto Martin’s hunting ground. Searching for a way out, the remaining victims find another home and a diary belonging to the man who kidnapped Martin ten years earlier, in an attempt to train a new partner, only to have his protégé kill him instead. Can anyone survive Martin’s murderous rampage? Can he be stopped?

Review: Oh God I think I died a little. Malevolence (2004) just gave me testicular cancer. I’m really beginning to wonder if anyone tests these films before they release them to the masses. I swear, there must be an old guy somewhere hooked up to life-support with billions of dollars who just signs checks and stays drugged up.

I got tricked into seeing this piece of garbage by a friend who claimed this movie was the scariest movie ever…I was bamboozled, hoodwinked…the script was placid! The acting was C-rate and the way it looked visually reminded me of the first Friday the 13th (1980) (and that’s not saying much visually).

Throughout the film, when I was supposed to feel fear and suspense, I felt…sleepy…bored…how the hell does that happen?!? Even the ominous background music was boring as hell. The blood and gore were minimal and weak. It seems as though the writer/director was inspired by early slasher flicks, but didn’t know how to do it right.

There was a point while watching this—dare I say it—“film”, that I thought, “Wow! This asshole’s gonna get ‘done in’ early”…but noooo! The little brat knocks him out with a bat then proceeds to white-chick it and drop the bat and run. Why not take the other road and work on her batting average and work his head over a bit (it’s what I would have done).
I mean c’mon, how scary could this guy really be? He moved slow, he was probably emotionally stunted, and he wore overalls and a sheet over his head. That doesn’t spell scary, people, that spells R-E-D-N-E-C-K! Spelling lesson over…class dismissed! I’m going to watch Happy Tree Friends…at least that will give me nightmares!

Rating: 0. I wanted to do the review for this movie just to warn people to stay away! Go see something worth your time…watch grass grow (it’ll be more fun). Watching Malevolence (2004) was like getting the worst side-effects of most prescription drugs. I lost twenty percent brain function and gained a low sperm count from watching this…I feel stupid now. (0of25).

Skinwalkers (2006)

2007-08-09T10:33:00.001-07:00

Director: James Isaac

Writer: James DeMonaco, Todd Harthan, James Roday

Tagline: For Them To Live, We Must Die.

Actors: Jason Behr, Elias Koteas, Rhona Mitra, Kim Coates, Natassia Malthe, Matthew Knight, Sarah Carter, Tom Jackson, Rogue Johnston, Barbara Gordon, Shawn Roberts, Lyriq Bent, Julian Richings

Runtime: 1h 50m

Category: Werewolf

Synopsis: To some it’s a curse, to others it’s like a drug, but for little Timmy, it’s a surreal nightmare. Two schools of werewolves have been battling for years; one trying to hide Timmy, the other trying to kill him. He holds the key to releasing the curse and destroying the werewolves for good. But now that he has been discovered, the small town of friends he once knew has become a personal army bent on his protection. Now on the run from Varek and his crew, Jonas, Timmy’s uncle, and his legion must do everything in their power to keep him safe…even if it means protecting him from themselves. Can Timmy survive until midnight on the fourth night of the red moon, or will Varek and his cronies get to him before he has the chance to become the werewolf savior?

Review: This flick was not quite what I had expected. From the description given by Horror Flix and IMDb I was not really looking forward to seeing this. But once it got going, which was right away, I was hooked. I don’t think I blinked once. Definitely an action-packed werewolf movie that will not disappoint.

The story itself, although not necessarily a new one, was quite good. And the way it was portrayed was even better. I loved how this quiet little town where everyone knows everyone else, turned into a raging gun-battle over a thirteen-year-old boy. Out of nowhere the boy’s grandmother busts out a piece and floats some led. Very nice! I was thoroughly impressed. Each scene was tightly wound and was brilliantly strategized (not an actual word). The only thing I would have changed, and this is just me, I would not have killed off so many of the good guys; especially Sarah Carter. I just love her. Damn she’s pretty! But that’s just me.

The acting was actually really good. I wasn’t really expecting much since I didn’t know much about the movie, but I think the actors did very well. Some nice control and smooth segue transitions made the acting more than bearable. I would have to say that a movie with so many knowable actors like this one can get quite drab. You eventually get used to certain actors and their performances all end up looking the same. That’s why I love B-movies and movies that come out of film festivals.

The effects were beautiful. Not in the heart-stopping kind of way (like Sarah Carter), but in the “wow that’s amazing” way. That’s just what you get when you hire on the best creature-effects artist ever…Mr. Stan Winston. Thanks to him we did not see an average werewolf, all hunched over and running on all fours; we got a pleasant mixture of wolf and human…wolf in appearance, human in nature. I was really happy to see this considering I am not a huge fan of CGI. But the blend within this movie did Mr. Winston proud. I would have to say that he would be happy with this one, among others.

Rating: 19. I would have liked to see more of the transformation process as well as a bit more feeding. The bar scene was cool and all but I think at least one more major feeding scene would have done even nicer. The other thing that I would have liked, would have been to have a bit more after-story; giving the viewer a glimpse of what became of our heroes. I know we got a quick snippet but I think a little more would have sufficed. But overall I think that this was a really good movie with a slightly different twist to then werewolf story. Don’t miss this one! (19of25).

Altered (2006)

2007-08-09T07:20:00.001-07:00

Director: Eduardo Sánchez

Writer: Jamie Nash, Eduardo Sánchez

Tagline: They will find you...

Actors: Misty Rosas, Paul McCarthy-Boyington, Brad William Henke, Michael C. Williams, Adam Kaufman, Catherine Mangan, James Gammon, Joe Unger

Runtime: 1h 28m

Category: Alien

Synopsis: Fifteen years ago a group of friends were abducted by aliens and subjected to torturous experiments. With one dead and another in hiding, the remaining three, determined to seek revenge, set out on nightly hunts for the little bastards. One fateful night, after actually catching one, they take it over to Wyatt’s house, one of the last remaining abductees. There they decide to take their revenge, but not before it escapes! Now they are on the hunt for one scout alien while trying to understand why those damn things came back. But what Wyatt doesn’t know is that the aliens have other plans for him.

Review: I have been putting this movie off for some time now and I have to say that I’m kicking myself for it. I was not expecting this movie to be so amazing. I was expecting some sort of mutation movie with a bunch of stupid college students who accidentally set loose some apocalyptic plague. But I was mistaken. What occurred here was a wonderful story directed by a genius, tangled together with hints of Isolation (2005) and Dark City (1998).

The story was absolutely superb: an abductee somehow gains the aliens’ mental powers and uses them against them…very Dark City (1998), which was also a fantastic movie. I loved how Wyatt was able to use his telekinesis to overcome one of the aliens. That was awesome! Almost like Scanners (1981). But apart from the alien-side of the story, I thought that the sub-stories were well done also. The back story of Wyatt and the others, the relationship between them now, and Wyatt and his girl, were all well done and tied in very smoothly. Most of the time when you deal with multiple sub-stories like this, one of two things will happen: either the main story will take a beating because the sub-stories carry much more script weight, or the sub-stories will be so vague that they seem unnecessary and distracting. Not the case here.

The acting was very good for a bunch of nobodies. At least I’ve never seen them before. Kaufman looks like a well-rested, thin and buff version of that tool Joshua Jackson. But I was able to look past it. Anyway, I was very impressed by the amount of control each actor seemed to hold over their character. I was expecting some overly-stereotyped rednecks with shotguns. What we got was well oiled synergy. Each character fit perfectly and was able to hold their own as a main sub-character. Very, very well done.

The effects and gore are another story. I was so impressed by the aliens and the prosthetics that I think Tom Savini would have saluted these people. The aliens looked very real and moved with a kind of human-like gait. I haven’t seen aliens this impressive since Independence Day (1996). And since alien features and movement are all speculation, I was thrilled to see that they had made them look physically inferior; except for the grill full of razor-sharp teeth, three-inch-long talons, and, of course, they’re green.

The gore effects were also very well done. I was a bit skeptical about how they would portray rotting flesh since it seems that nobody except Savini can get it right. But I was very surprised to see a masterfully done body suit of rotting flesh and infected tissue. Trust me…this is something to talk about. The gore was absolutely perfect. No overkill, no obvious prosthetics; just an effects-man with the knowledge and control of a professional.

Rating: 23. I would have liked to see Wyatt use his mental abilities a little more and fight some more aliens. But I guess that’s what sequels are for. Although no sequel has been hinted to, I would not be surprised to see one…and I would see it. I recommend that everyone see this movie. It is chuck full of gore, guns, aliens, and rednecks…and the only woman in the movie is kinda hot. So check out this sleeper…you won’t regret it. (23of25).

Premonition (2007)

2007-08-08T05:49:00.001-07:00

Director: Mennan Yapo

Writer: Bill Kelly

Tagline: It's not your imagination.

Actors: Sandra Bullock, Julian McMahon, Shyann McClure, Courtney Taylor Burness, Nia Long, Irene Ziegler, Kate Nelligan, Marc Macaulay, Amber Valletta, Peter Stormare

Runtime: 1h 50m

Category: Psychological, Thriller

Synopsis: Linda and Jim Hanson have just bought a new house and are looking to start over with their two beautiful girls, Megan and Bridgette. One day, after dropping the girls off at school and doing everyday housework, her day takes a turn when she receives an unsettling voicemail from Jim, who is away overnight on business. Just then a police officer raps on the door and breaks the bad news that her husband has died; only yesterday! Now sinking into a state of deep sorrow, she breaks the new to the girls after school. Tomorrow will be better…tomorrow. Linda wakes up the next morning only to find that her husband’s wake is in her living room! What’s going on!?! These two realities intertwine and influence each other while Linda is on a desperate search for the truth…and her sanity.

Review: I was not expecting anything from this movie…and I think I was smart to do so. I’m not saying that this movie was bad; it’s just that it wasn’t anything really special. I did enjoy the movie, and so did my wife, but it was not what I thought it was gonna be. I was expecting a Dark Corners (2006) kinda movie; instead I got something like Final Destination (2000) meets The Butterfly Effect (2004) meets Memento (2000). It sounds weird, I know.

The story, honestly, was the only thing I really cared for. The control and subtle nuances of the story made it a joy to watch. Plus, since I was expecting a Dark Corners (2006) type movie, I was surprised to see that instead of the two stories running parallel…they ran against each other. I’ll explain this for those of you who didn’t get it: the story with Jim still alive ran sequentially…while the story where Jim’s dead ran…let’s say…counterclockwise. That’s how this story went; one story going forward, the other going backward. Got it?

The acting was surprisingly dull. I’m not a fan of Sandra’s in the first place (although I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers…Funyuns yes…crackers no), so I wasn’t expecting too much from her. Now that I think about it, if I wasn’t expecting too much from the main character, that doesn’t bode well for the rest of the cast, considering most of the movie will focus around her. Yippee! Acting sucked.

The gore and effects, or lack thereof, weren’t too bad; although the explosion at the end did make me all tingly inside. There really wasn’t much more to this area…so I guess this one will be brief. Sorry.

Ok, I must say something about this movie and all others dealing with this type of phenomena: if you have a premonition about death…death will win. You can’t stop the predetermined death of any human being. And just because you’re meddling in and trying to stop the premonition from coming true, doesn’t mean you’ll succeed. The premonition is going to happen eventually…that’s what happens when you get a glimpse of the future! The future happens because of your actions, thus you caused the premonition. I know most of you won’t want to hear this, and some of you won’t even get this, but this is the truth. This is not like high school when you decide what to be when you grow up, thereby changing your future; this is like trying to become a taxidermist while studying parapsychology. You can’t change what’s already written. This is the opposite of The “Back to the Future” Rule.

Rating: I’m very torn here: I liked the story very much…I didn’t like the acting or the promotions for the movie either…they were misleading. So let’s go with a 15. I know the acting wasn’t par and the effects could have been better, or more numerous, but the story was very compelling; had what I like to call The Sticky Factor. So I would suggest this movie when you have nothing better to do and have $3.50 laying around. (15of25).

Dr. Chopper (2005)

2007-08-07T12:04:00.001-07:00

Director: Lewis Schoenbrun

Writer: Ian Holt

Tagline: Another Slice of Life

Actors: Costas Mandylor, Ed Brigadier, Chelsey Crisp, Robert Adamson, Chase Hoyt, Butch Hansen, Ashley McCarthy, Benjamin Keepers, Elisa Schuyler, Rose Swim, Miranda Kwok, Joseph Picou, Leyla Razzari

Runtime: 1h 26m

Category: Cannibal, Killer, Slasher

Synopsis: After the passing of his mother, Nick finds a deed to a property his mother never told him about. Curious as to why not, he gathers his girlfriend, another couple, and a fifth wheel to head up to the family cabin for a weekend away. What they are all unaware of is that a crazed 80 year old plastic surgeon, who kills people and harvests their limbs in order to find the answer to the fountain of youth, lives in the woods they are headed to. A wily veteran sheriff, who doesn’t seem to care about missing people as much as he does his bottle of Jack Daniels, takes an interest in stopping this 80 year old madman who rides a chopper. As the whack job doctor takes out the kids one by one he is running out of donors for his fountain of youth project.

Review: I am only going to say this one time and if you don’t get it please stop reading the review and gouge your eyes out because you don’t deserve to see words, let alone comprehend them. The title is a double pun (Chopper/motorcycle & chopper/psycho 80 year old killer). What, an 80 year old killer? Yes. I don’t know how to say this but here goes, it wasn’t as bad as you may think. The acting wasn’t great but if you look at what they had to work with, they did really well in selling it to you. The actors did great with a really bad script. So much of this movie made no sense though. Out of nowhere there are two lesbians making out in a trailer (which is where I imagine all lesbians make out), a rookie park ranger who shows up unannounced, and an 80 year old killer.

Visually it was shot well. It didn’t look like my little brother was running through the woods. The sound was done well too. The music sucked just like most B movies. They try so hard to make the dramatic, exciting and horrifying music blend but it usually sounds like mix tapes I made when I was 10. One of the funniest things was, that when the five kids walked into the cabin you could see light coming through every slat on the wall. They did such a bad job of building the cabin set that a small mouse could crawl into any slot in the walls.

The character placement was quite typical, two couples and a fifth wheel who drinks too much. The fifth wheel becomes the hero when supporting female’s boyfriend is killed. She is so slutty that she is ready to use the fifth wheel as a crotch post. Then when you find out that the main character is this 80 year old man’s son and his mom was bangin’ the old fucker it all makes sense; it’s a B horror movie. None of it has to really make sense. See, this movie has all of the crucial elements that allow us to forget about things like, I don’t know, story line, dialog, and acting. It has blood, boobs, guts etc, so in my opinion it’s worth the look.

Rating: I give this a 14. While the actors did a great job of selling a bad script and plot, it still was not a very good movie. If you have cable and it has On Demand, see if you can find it there. Or maybe download it. The only other suggestion I have is if you have Blockbuster’s Total Access program and have the unlimited rentals, get it there if you are interested. Don’t go rent it and spend the $3.50 on it. (14of25).

Zombie Nation (2004)

2007-08-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

Director: Ulli Lommel

Writer: Ulli Lommel

Tagline: Terror in Numbers

Actors: Günther Ziegler, Brandon Dean, Axel Montgomery, Phil Lander, Martina Bottesch, Szilvi Naray-Davey, Karen Maxwell, Naidra Dawn Thomson, Victoria Ullmann

Runtime: 1h 21m

Category: Voodoo, Zombie

Synopsis: Joe Singer, a cop with a mean streak a mile wide and a past that would make Chuck Manson bust a nut, is on a kidnapping, murderous rampage of beautiful young women. Joe’s partner Vitalio, a stupid rookie, tells one of the other stupid rookies about Joe’s shady pullovers and the fact that after taking them into custody he takes them to some warehouse and makes Vitalio wait outside. Now under internal investigation, Officer Singer is relived of his duties (hehehe…duties). Joe’s luck gets even worse when the five women he kidnapped and murdered come back from the dead to seek their revenge. Thanks to some buxom blonde named Holly who decided to use the one great idea she’d ever have, and a bunch of Miss Cleo wannabees, all five girls are now out on the hunt for the man that ended their natural life; but not before putting their collective thoughts together, which in my opinion amounted to the weight of that righteous B.M. I had last week, and coming up with the convoluted idea of a nation comprised strictly of zombies and becoming cops themselves. Can he escape a horde of flesh-hungry fuzzies, or will this be the end of Joe Singer?

Review: Judging by the synopsis, I take it that you have already figured out my thoughts on this movie. This is just another example of my reason for starting this website: to keep good people from seeing bad movies. Wow…I like that little saying. I might just start using that. Anyway, if for some reason you actually decide to spend the time watching this…this…well crap is the only word that comes to mind, then I suggest you call up a good friend (not just any friend, a good friend will actually do this for you) and have them bring over a home enema kit (buy it from Costco…they’re cheap…or so I hear) and have a party!

From what I got out of this story besides a headache and an itchy balloon-knot, is the fact that this Mr. Lommel did not really think this movie all the way through. The story was one of the worst I’ve ever seen since I started in this biz. It was empty, slow, mindless, and altogether numbing. There was no explanation as to the origin of the “zombies” or even the premise behind them. Those crazy voodoo chicks just said some mumbo-jumbo made some chick drink some blood that was dripping out of a decapitated pig’s head and bam…zombies. Yeah…real compelling…asshole!

The acting and script were of a worse demeanor. I haven’t seen anything that bad that was supposed to actually be good since Death Row (2007). I’m actually amazed that anyone would even consider this for production. And I’m even more taken back by the fact that once production ceased and the film was ready to be printed, the editor, who must watch and pay careful attention to the movie, didn’t get up from his Lazy-Boy, walk into the director and producer’s office respectively, and kick them square in the jimmy. If it were me, I would have charged the set and electro-shocked everybody.

The gore was just as bad. I’m actually having trouble describing it, it was so bad. I think, given a modest budget, some Silly Puddy, some duct tape, and a few pounds of mac’ and cheese from KFC (‘cause that stuff really sticks to the ribs), an epileptic could do a better job (for anyone out there who is epileptic…I’m sorry for having compared you to anyone associated with this movie).

Rating: 4. The only thing I liked about this movie were Singer’s flashbacks to his childhood as a mentally and physically abused son of a psychotic mental institution owner. That’s it. So, I have to give credit were it’s due…but I guess that’s it. To sum up; just don’t watch this movie…I’ve warned you. (4of25).

Bio-Zombie (1998)

2007-08-05T18:02:00.001-07:00

Director: Wilson Yip

Writer: Matt Chow, Siu Man Sing, Wilson Yip

Tagline: [None]

Actors: Jordan Chan, Emotion Cheung, Sam Lee, Yiu-Cheung Lai, Angela Tong Ying-Ying, Suk Yin Lai, Tat-Wah Lok, Frankie Chan, Tak Chi Tam, Chi Chuen Chan, Matt Chow

Runtime: 1h 34m

Category: Comedy, Japanese, Zombie

Synopsis: Bio Zombie (Sang dut sau shut), is your basic run-of-the-mill Zombie film, with a very well-seasoned dash of comedy to the mix. The film opens, centered around two of our four main characters, Woody Invincible (Jordan Chan), and Crazy Bee (Sam Lee 111)-working at what seems to be an illegal video store, inside a Hong Kong Mall. It isn't too long before the viewer is shown that not only are our two anti-heroes involved with a large pirating network, but that they will stop at nearly nothing to make a free buck. While jacking a car to sell for cash, the two suddenly slam into what seems to be a person, on their way back to the mall.

Meanwhile, a group of Scientists are working on their latest bio-chemical advancement. A highly vivid, orange soda, which instantly changes the consumer from lively human, into a mindless, blood-thirsty zombie. While patting themselves on the back over their success, one Scientist notices that their subject has indeed escaped.

While Woody and Crazy scramble over what to do about their "accident", they can't help but notice a can of soda firmly planted into the corpse's hand. Hoping for some sort of miracle the two pry the can from the man's fingers and force the orange liquid into the victims mouth. To their dismay, the body shows no change, and the two place the cadaver into the trunk of their stolen car-only to ditch the scene and continue to the Mall.

When reaching their shop, the duo meets up with their ladies of equally devious ways, Rolls and Jelly. The guys explain their earlier adventure to the girls, and the four laugh it off, as though it were nothing out of the ordinary. As closing time approaches, the guys close the store and make plans to make the best of the night with their girls. In what seems to be an instant, our four main characters are seemingly the only people left inside of the shopping-mall. While heading toward the exit, they begin to notice that they weren't as isolated as they had initially thought. In fact, the entire structure is crawling with the "un-dead".

Review: Not being a real lover of this particular genre, I actually liked this movie. It's not usual that I find myself cracking up over what was supposed to of scared me, and being as though the version I found was dubbed in Cockney-English...was all the better. There were times I found myself becoming bored, being as though this film doesn't contain much real dialog, but the laughs made up for that. By the end of this movie I couldn't help but fall in love with the main characters and their crazy ways. How can you not have admiration for someone with a name like "Woody Invincible", and God as my witness, I will bear a child by the name of "Crazy Bee" by the time I'm thirty.

Rating: 16. I'll be the first to say that this film is far from terrifying. Despite a couple stomach-turning moments of poorly manifested gore, this movie will strike reminiscence of something produced by "Troma". That is not to say that this film is not worth your time. Coming into this piece not expecting scare-tactics, you will find that nearly 99% of the time you will be laughing your ass off. Not only do the main characters have some of the most fantastic names in horror movie history, but the zombies themselves are a walking pack of low-budget, putty-faced monsters, with over-zealous movement, paired with zany antics.

To the genre elitists, I would suggest opening your mind, and you too, just may enjoy yourself. Yes this film is obviously our Asian friends' campy homage to the works of Mr. Romero himself, but alas, the entertainment value is there. Stop being so damn stubborn. (16of25).

Buttcrack (1998)

2007-08-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

Director: Jim Larsen

Writer: Jim Larsen

Tagline: We're all zombies in the end!

Actors: Doug Ciskowski, Caleb Kreischer, Rob Hayward, Kathy Wittes, Kris Arnold, Cindy Geary, Mojo Nixon

Runtime: 1h 8m

Category: Comedy, Voodoo, Zombie

Synopsis: Brian has an obnoxious roommate named Wade who never pulls up his pants. No matter what he does his buttcrack shows. After Wade’s accidental death by bathtub electrocution, his sister puts a curse on him, so he can come back and get revenge on Brian, whom she thinks killed him. Back from the dead, Wade sets out to get his revenge, but something is stopping him…Preacher Man Bob! He instructs Brian, Annie, and Ken to knock him out so they can put him back in the ground. Only Wade’s sister has other plans for him…and Preacher Man Bob has his own plans…for her!

Review: Wow…I never thought I’d see the day. Not only was this one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, I feel like I should sue or something. I never thought I would sit through a zombie movie and dream of a colonoscopy. I swear…somebody needs to be hurt for this.

The story was not the worst part about this movie. It was actually really funny. I may have hated this movie, but I have to say…it was funny as hell! The story was an interesting one; kind of a mix of zombie, voodoo, and…a Plymoth Horizon. That car actually has nothing to do with the story or even the movie itself…but I just wanted to think of the ugliest, most horrible car to help me properly describe the level of pain this movie caused me. But the story was actually not half bad.

The acting was the worst part of this flick; really kinda obvious for a C-Movie. But altogether the acting was just awful…except for Preacher Man Bob! I thought his performance was spectacular! His mannerisms and gestures were perfect, and his appearance was even better…kind of a “Wolverine meets Beast meets Pat Robertson” sorta thing. I would love to see more of Mojo Nixon!

The gore and effects were minimal until the end where they had the tearing of limbs and the ripping of flesh. I was surprised, actually, by the precision of the gore. It was C-rate obviously, but not bad for that rating. I would say that given a bit more green, they could have done even better.

Rating: 8. I must be fair; the acting was bad and the script was even worse. But the gore was nice and the story had a nice hook to it. It’s still a lowbie but it’ll have to do. I would suggest that everyone see this movie some way or another. Blockbuster has it; you can rent it from their Total Access program. But this is definitely one of those ‘diamonds in the rough’. (8of25).

Lifeforce (1985)

2007-08-02T08:43:00.000-07:00

Director: Tobe Hooper

Writer: Colin Wilson, Dan O'Bannon, Don Jakoby, Michael Armstrong, Olaf Pooley

Tagline: In the blink of an eye, the terror begins.

Actors: Steve Railsback, Peter Firth, Frank Finlay, Mathilda May, Patrick Stewart, Michael Gothard, Nicholas Ball, Aubrey Morris, Nancy Paul, John Hallam, John Keegan, Chris Jagger, Bill Malin

Runtime: 1h 56m

Category: Alien, Sci-Fi, Thriller, Vampire

Synopsis: A space mission deployed to research Halley’s Comet has lost contact after the discovery of a massive alien spaceship. A second mission headed by Dr. Carlsen is deployed to find out why. They discover the missing shuttle and board, only to find the entire inside burnt to a crisp. The only things that were unscathed were three hyper-sleep chambers containing two men and one woman…one very beautiful woman. The occupants are brought back down to Earth for further investigation. Dr. Carlsen, the only survivor, seems to have some telepathic link to the alien woman, and becomes the military’s pseudo-Ouija board after she escapes. While tracking her, they discover a path of dead bodies that have been completely drained of life. These space people suck the lifeforce right out; like vampires! Now on the hunt, Dr. Carlsen and Dr. Caine are air-lifted to a military base after London has been quarantined after the vampire “plague” has spread beyond containment. Carlsen is the only one who can kill this beauty from the beyond…but can he?

Review: I was very surprised by this movie. Once I heard the words “space” and “vampires” used in a single descriptive sentence I was immediately turned off. But after watching it I retract my proclivities. Not only was I mistaken, I was down right wrong! This cult classic is one movie that will not go quietly into that good night. For 1985, this is a masterpiece!

The story was altogether wonderful. Apart from a few minor flaws, I thought that the story itself was fluid and effortless. I was amazed by how much story they were actually able to pack in, considering this could have easily been a two-and-a-half hour movie. But runtime aside, the cohesive mixture of two different creature staples was, needless to say, not bad. I wasn’t too thrilled to find out that there was gonna be alien vampires but I was very surprised by how they actually mixed the two. Sucking life, or lifeforce, instead of blood (considered the human lifeforce) was a nice wrench in the creature machine. I just love it when people come up with new and inventive creatures…especially when the make improvements on the old staples…it makes me tingly.

The acting was not as good as I had hoped. I was expecting quality 1980’s expertise but was handed an eye-full of emotionless boredom. The acting was not just horrible…it made me want…to stick my finger…through my eye…into my brain…and swirl it around. And as most of you know, I’m not a fan of nudity in horror movies, but that was the only good thing about the actors and their supposed talent…or lack thereof! Considering this was an 80’s flick, I was expecting a fugly chick with droobs. But…yeah, there’s a "but" there…I was wrong! This chick, Mathilda May, was gorgeous! And had a nice set of tubes! Nice face, nice body, nice tubes…nice work Hopper!

The gore and effects was another thing. I was very impressed by the control displayed over the possible overkill of effects used. They could have really ruined this movie if the effects were to have gotten out of hand. But they were closely knitted and made for an enjoyable Sci-Fi flick. The gore was not altogether impressive. But one scene did make me happy; the one were the space chick re-animates after pulling herself out of Patrick Stewart and that other guy by their blood. That scene was freakin’ tits! But other than that, the gore and make-up was just average and not at all deserving of any more of your time…or mine.

Rating: Taking into account the great story, the controlled effects, the bad acting, and the hottest chick to go nude in any horror movie I’ve ever seen…16. I want to rate it higher but that acting really scared me. I think I might need medical transportation (thanks Jeff Dunham). But, overall I would have to say that this was a really good movie. I would recommend this to almost everyone and would give fair warning to the worst acting in an A-Movie since The Hitcher (2007). (16of25).

Strangeland (1998)

2007-07-31T05:37:00.001-07:00

Director: John Pieplow

Writer: Dee Snider

Tagline: So much flesh, so little time.

Actors: Kevin Gage, Elizabeth Peña, Brett Harrelson, Robert Englund, Linda Cardellini, Tucker Smallwood, Ivonne Coll, Amy Smart, Dee Snider, Amal Rhoe, Robert LaSardo

Runtime: 1h 25m

Category: Torture

Synopsis: The glow of the screen illuminates his heavily pierced, tattoo-stained face as his fingers dance nimbly across the keyboard…searching…hunting. His computer handle is “Captain Howdy” and he surfs the local chat rooms for young female prey. Girls like Genevieve and Tiana; who mysteriously vanish after an online conversation with the cunning cyber predator.
Detective Mike Gage has a personal stake in the case; Genevieve is his daughter. When Tiana’s corpse – tortured, pierced, and scarred – is discovered in the river, Gage realizes that time is running out for his daughter. Taking sadistic delight in Gage’s desperation, Captain Howdy sends the detective a series of taunting emails, challenging him to a deadly online game of cat-and-mouse; drawing him into his “modern primitive” world – a strange land of fetish bars, S&M, body modification, and goth rock.*

*(Because the back of the DVD was so poetically done, I saw no need to change a thing)

Review: Strangeland (1998) at face value was a B or C Movie at best. The compensation found for spending ninety-one precious minutes with this movie comes from the subject matter dealt with and the storyline.

For Dee Snider’s first foray into writing and directing, I applaud him. It seems as thought the movie was set on a low budget because of the use of mainly b-list actors. The female aspect was heightened with the addition of the lovely and beautiful Amy Smart. I swear I would watch any movie she was in. Although I wouldn’t list Strangeland (1998) as a horror movie, Captain Howdy is perhaps one of the scariest and creepiest individuals to come across a movie screen.

Carlton Hendrick, a.k.a. Captain Howdy, was visually and vocally intimidating. The voice of a scholar and the body of a monster, his only purpose was to instill fear, and his only interest was to die. When faced with that reality, the only thing left to do is put that dog down! Even after he was captured and hospitalized, the attempt to medicate him and hide his tattoos made him even more fearful. Making a man like that a “normal” member of society is damn near impossible. Mr. Snider thankfully included horror icon Robert Englund as the leader of the lynch mob out to get rid of Capt. Howdy.

The turning point of this film that shows that Captain Howdy is not the only bad guy in Strangeland, is the actions NOT taken by Detective Gage when the lynch mob came to claim the Bad Captain, shows that Detective Gage’s need for vengeance overrode his duty as a police officer. The repercussions of this inaction lay the second coming of Howdy squarely on Detective Gage’s shoulders. His actions at the end of the film makes him even more of a monster, because in stead of taking Capt. Howdy into justice, he gives him exactly what he’s wanted the entire time…death!

Strangeland (1998) never really got its props as a truly innovative film but, it paved the way for films like Saw I, II, and III, and Hostel I, and II. This film, for all of its B-Movie flaws, was powerful and ground-breaking in its message, and Dee Snider, for his inexperience as a screen writer, was truly impressive.

The message from Strangeland (1998) is a simple one: Watch your freakin’ kids! Predators feed on the weak!

Rating: 18. Although not one of the most top-notch movies ever made, Strangeland (1998) redeems itself with the script, the character of Capt. Howdy, and the message conveyed. Looking closely at Strangeland (1998) you can see how they tried to turn the bad guy into a good guy, and the good guy became the bad guy. They were so similar that crossing that line wasn’t so hard to do. Sometimes you say a movie is dark and disturbing but, Strangeland (1998) started dark and stayed dark till the end. Acting-wise Strangeland (1998) wasn’t that impressive, but visually the torture scenes alone have yet to be outdone. Truly enjoyable! (18of25).

Dark Water (2002)

2007-07-30T06:27:00.000-07:00

Director: Hideo Nakata, Kyle Jones

Writer: Kôji Suzuki, Takashige Ichise, Kyle Jones, Yoshihiro Nakamura, Hideo Nakata, Kenichi Suzuki

Tagline: From The Creators of Japan's Acclaimed RINGU, Inspiration for the hit phenomenon THE RING

Actors: Hitomi Kuroki, Rio Kanno, Mirei Oguchi, Asami Mizukawa, Fumiyo Kohinata, Yu Tokui, Isao Yatsu, Shigemitsu Ogi, Maiko Asano, Yukiko Ikari, Shinji Nomura, Kiriko Shimizu

Runtime: 1h 41m

Category: Ghost, Japanese, Psychological, Thriller

Synopsis: Dark Water "Honogurai mizu no soko kara" (2002) is a melancholy look into the life of Matsubara Yoshimi, a young mother, struggling through an emotionally destructive divorce from her cold-hearted husband, Kunio Hamada. Beyond the obvious heart-ache and burden that comes with divorce, Matsubara is faced with an even bigger obstacle; trying to convince the Legal Committee that she is deserving of full-custody of their five year-old daughter, Ikuko. While it would seem that this would come easily, being as though Ikuko's father rarely remembers his daughters birthday, we are shown that Matsubara is finding grave difficulty escaping her track-record which is jaded with a long history of stress and psychological related illnesses; Not to mention that at current time, she is homeless and unemployed.

With nothing left to lose, Matsubara scrapes together what little she has left, and finds a very cheap apartment in a suburb outside of Tokyo. Despite the over-zealous sales-pitch of her real-estate agent, backed by the promise of a good foundation from the so-called "building manager", Matsubara is all too quick to notice that this very affordable apartment is located in a far from perfect building. Determined to prove she has what it takes to provide a secure and loving environment for her daughter, Matsubara brushes away her initial reservations and signs the lease on what she hopes to be the first stepping-stone toward a bright future for herself and Ikuko.

While being shown to their new "home", Matsubara notices that her daughter has run off. In a state of panic, she and the building manager check the premises, only to find that young Ikuko has found her way to the roof of the dilapidated structure, clutching onto a red bag filled with what appears to be children's toys. Though gracious to of found her daughter safe, Matsubara hastily takes the bag from her daughters grip, tossing it carelessly into what seems to be a trash bin upon the roof.

Back on the right track, Matsubara and Ikuko reach their apartment. After unpacking, the two begin to cheerfully settle in. Matsubara is filled with a sense of accomplishment and joy, for once everything might actually be okay...that is until she notices the enormous damp patch upon the ceiling of her bedroom, which seems to be growing in size and beginning to drip upon the floor. Trying to keep her spirits high, Matsubara reports the issue to the building manager, only to be further disappointed when he refuses to do anything about the problem, claiming that the apartment had never experienced issues of this style until they had moved in.

Although the optimism Matsubara had found was all too quickly fading, she decides to stay positive as possible. She sets her sights on getting a job and enrolling her daughter into kindergarten. Succeeding at both, Matsubara is once again filled with a sense of accomplishment. Her job is a breath of fresh air, and she finds herself succeeding beyond what she would have ever imagined. While this helps take care of legal fees and Ikuko's school cost, Matsubara becomes seemingly obsessed with her work, causing her to take on entirely too many hours, and too often late in picking up her daughter from school. While this problem is seemingly un-noticed by Ikuko, her soon to be ex-husband is informed of his wife's tardiness, using this as yet another tactic to turn the court against her.

If things weren't bad enough, Matsubara can't help but notice her daughter taking an extreme interest in her leaky bedroom; often speaking to "someone" that isn't there. To the dismay of her mother, Ikuko begins to spend her free-time wandering through the apartment building, often times getting her self lost, only to be found clutching the red bag her mother had thrown away weeks ago. With each "adventure", we find that Ikuko is becoming more and more obsessed with her invisible friend, doing and saying things that are quite out of her character. It seems there is nothing Matsubara can do to keep her daughter away from her friend that no one can see.

While trying to sleep, Matsubara is startled by the sound of her daughter talking to someone. Carefully, Matsubara walks down the hall of her apartment, finding her daughter in the bathroom speaking to a girl she calls by the name "Mitsuko". Matsubara is overwhelmed with fright when she realizes that Mitsuko is the name of a young girl pictured upon a poster outside of their apartment building, who is two-years missing, and feared dead. While investigating, Matsubara finds that not only did Mitsuko attend the same kindergarten as her daughter, but she and her family had lived in the same building that Matsubara and Ikuko live in now! On her way to question the building-manager, Matsubara realizes that her daughter has once again gone off. After what seems to be hours of searching, Matsubara finds her daughter in an abandoned apartment, unconscious.

Staggering through the stress of taking care of her daughter, not to mention the growing patches of stagnant, leaking water taking over her apartment, Matsubara begins to fall back into a cycle of mental anguish. If her home is not safe, then where? What must she do to prove to the Legal Committee and herself that she is an able Mother?

Review: After watching this film, I was filled with a sense of tension. Not only did this movie leave me spooked, but it also left me somber. While watching this film, you cannot help but to get dragged into the personal struggle that Matsubara is going through. You feel for her situation, and for her, as though she were a real person. This is a woman who is doing everything in her power to overcome not only her past, but herself. She is utterly selfless, caring only for the well-being of her daughter, only to find herself in yet another rut with every turn.
The acting in this film was fantastic, and when backed with the artistic cinematography, it was hard not to feel as though you were there, suffering through every bit of terror and psychological turmoil our main characters were forced to go through. On that note, I will have to say that this is not of your typical "Asian Horror" piece. This film does not touch on any sort of taboo topics of interest, nor is it filled with an abundance of sex or gore.

To most American viewers, this film will bring back memories of Ringu (1998) or The Ring (2002), (whichever you prefer) begging the question, "What is the Asian fascination with creepy water related ghosts?" This is the type of film which reminds us of how great horror can be when left to ones own psyche playing against them. The average viewer may find that in spots this film was slower moving, and if that be the case, I would suggest checking out the American re-make, which ended up cutting out a lot of the...I don't know, shall we call it, PLOT from this film.

Rating: I give this movie a 23/25. It's worth a watch even if you tend to not find yourself interested in horror films. (23of25).

Turistas (2006)

2007-07-30T06:25:00.002-07:00

Director: John Stockwell

Writer: Michael Ross

Tagline: Go Home.

Actors: Josh Duhamel, Melissa George, Olivia Wilde, Desmond Askew, Beau Garrett, Max Brown, Agles Steib, Miguel Lunardi, Jorge Só

Runtime: 1h 33m

Category: Thriller

Synopsis: Young backpackers find themselves stranded on a remote Brazilian beach after their buss careens into a ravine. The beach is a virtual paradise, filled with booze, cool ocean breezes, and beautiful bodies. After a night of partying, the group find themselves drugged and robbed. With no money or passports, and nowhere to go, the group is lead through the dark and mysterious jungle with promises of help at the other end; only to find themselves face to face with a fate they could never imagine.

Review: At first my thoughts on this movie weren’t really much. I thought it was gonna be another attempt at horror but Turistas (2006) was an inventive twist at horror: standing the principles in Brazil, and instead of giving us a masked psycho-killer, we were given a killer with a purpose…a plan. It wasn’t a plan to go crazy and wreck havoc, he wanted to give back to his country the only way he could…by helping the sick with stolen organs…eww. This didn’t instill the regular type of fear like most movies. This is real fear brought on by a real killer with connections and motivation.

Most of the principle characters were necessary to the story, while the others were obviously cannon fodder. It just seemed like some of the unnecessary characters could have been left out to extend the story of the more important characters. The killer’s associate seemed, for the most part, useless, and most of the backpackers were comic relief at best.

The photography and cinematography were beautiful. The Brazilian countryside is a gorgeous location for any type of movie. But the real attraction for Turistas (2006) is this killing, which, when you watch the movie, didn’t have much of; just one really intense dissection scene. That’s kind of a downer because I wanted to see more, but the way he talked to the girl…so calmly…while removing her organs when she was barely awake was just plain creepy.

If there’s a lesson to be learned with Turistas (2006) it’s this:

If you are traveling in a foreign country and your bus breaks down…STAY WITH THE FREAKIN’ BUS!!
Don’t trust anyone other than the folks you traveled with
If you find yourself in a messed up situation and someone tells you to run…DO IT!!

That’s my advice to you.

Rating: 17. Although I liked Turistas (2006) it wasn’t one of my favorites. Sometimes you want a movie to be more scary and more intense; Turistas (2006) didn’t completely cut the mustard. It was enjoyable and I’d own it but I wouldn’t rank it with the best horror movies. I would list it as watchable though. I would put this in the same category as movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) and I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998). Just another summer thriller to fill a movie slot. Still, being a fan of horror movies, I don’t think Turistas (2006) should be missed. (17of25).

Wolf Creek (2005)

2007-07-30T06:25:00.001-07:00

Director: Greg Mclean

Writer: Greg Mclean

Tagline: The Thrill Is In The Hunt.

Actors: John Jarratt, Cassandra Magrath, Kestie Morassi, Nathan Phillips, Gordon Poole, Guy O'Donnell, Phil Stevenson, Geoff Revell, Andy McPhee

Runtime: 1h 39m

Category: Slasher, Thriller

Synopsis: Three friends take off for a trip across Australia. After stopping for a hike into Wolf Creek State Park, the trio returns to find their car dead. Looking for assistance, the trio finds help in the form of Mick; a big, friendly, backslapping bushman eager to help. Offering them water and a tow into town the trio awakes from a drugged stupor to find themselves at the mercy of a psycho who plans to visit upon them many horrors for no other reason but the sheer pleasure of the kill.

Review: Dark, mysterious, and scary…that’s how I would explain Wolf Creek (2005) to the unsuspecting; a sick and twisted party for the mind! Sometimes I wonder how people can come up with ideas like this. Mick is one of the most unsettling and sick characters to come about and purely instill fear, in some years.

The things that were done here were things that Hostel: Part II (2007) could’ve learned from. My favorite was the “head on a stick”; you only learn shut like this in places like Vietnam where you had to be sick and twisted to survive. Going into Mick’s hideaway was like entering the third circle of Hell and Mick was the Dark Ringleader of the circus.

There wasn’t much more to the movie, the writer kinda got straight to the point, which to me is great. The more time spent with the psycho, the better; more time for him to make his victims cry and scream (does enjoying that make me a bad person?)

The acting was pretty standard; a lot of screaming, crying, and dying; The Unholy Trinity of the horror movie (without those you pretty much just have a Lifetime movie). The story was brilliantly done, giving the killer a vast area to work in, with enough privacy to do his job unimpeded by the unlikely “hero” that could emerge. He created a playland for himself and immersed himself in every sick fantasy he could imagine.

The script was written in a way that gave the victims no hope for survival. One of them actually got away and it seemed as though everyone looked at him as the bad guy; leaving Mick to continue his gruesome work.

Rating: 20. Even though Wolf Creek (2005) moved slowly in the beginning, by the time everything got going…it really got going! Wolf Creek (2005) was dark and intense, sick and twisted; a real amusement park for those with no moral compass. The enjoyment that the Mick character got out of killing just seemed to further my interest in this film. Like I said before: dark, sick, and twisted is the way to go with horror films…take a lesson! (20of25).

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)

2007-07-30T06:24:00.001-07:00

Director: Rick Bota

Writer: Clive Barker, Joel Soisson, Carl V. Dupré

Tagline: Evil Goes Online.

Actors: Stelian Urian, Katheryn Winnick, Anna Tolputt, Khary Payton, Henry Cavill, Christopher Jacot, Lance Henriksen, Doug Bradley, Gary J. Tunnicliffe, Mike J. Regan, Desiree Malonga

Runtime: 1h 31m

Category: Psychological, Thriller

Synopsis: Five friends attend the funeral of their friend Adam. During a tense conversation between them, we learn that the six of them were addicted to an online game known as Hellworld. A couple years later, all five show up at a Hellraiser Party; a party in which the invite comes from solving the puzzle box inside Hellworld. Not long after arriving things start to go horribly wrong. The host is not who he seems to be and no one at the party seems to care that these five friends are in dire trouble. Who will wake up from their nightmare and who will survive? (this is not a hard question people)

Review: Finally! The end of the Hellraiser series. I never thought I’d see the day. It has been a bumpy road and a winding trail but I have made it through almost unscathed. I do have to say that these movies are not to be taken lightly. Only a few have the capacity to be considered true Hellraiser movies…the rest can fade with time. I would suggest that if you are planning to see these movies…do so at your own risk. Boredom will overtake you.

I was not expecting anything in terms of storyline and I think that I was correct in doing so. As the movie progressed I thought it was gonna be just like the others; where someone is really in Hell and what we see is their own personal Hell. But that is not what happened here…no…they took a different route. They decided to make a mockery of the Hellraiser name by putting in this piece of shit! The host put them into a drug-induced dream state, buried them with a PVC pipe for air, and made open suggestions to them by cell phone. Wow! I almost hit my TV I was so pissed off. Nothing like a good slap in the face for Hellraiser fans. Damn!

The acting was sub-par…although Henriksen is awesome. The actors that played the five friends were nothing short of blah and the characters themselves were shallow and un-expandable. One thing that bothered me the most is that, when Chelsea is running in the woods, her scream is like a dying cat. There once was a time when a woman’s scream in a horror movie was an art…a passion. After seeing this bubbling debauchery, I am convinced that the art will die with Jamie Lee Curtis.

The gore was laughable at best. Nothing out of the ordinary…not like the first few Hellraisers. During the killing scenes, I found myself picking stuff out of my teeth instead of actually caring about the poorly done gore in this Hellraiser. These people should be ashamed of themselves. Clive Barker must be pissed!

Rating: Predictable. Boring. Unimaginative. 6. I think the only reason I gave it any rating at all, was because of two reasons. 1) The lead actress Katheryn Winnick is pretty hot and 2) The chick that mike was dancing with, Desiree Malonga, had some tig ol’ bitties. There were no droobs on this babe! Earlier in the flick yeah…but not her! I guess those are my only positive comments…just don’t bother with this one. If you wanna watch good Hellraiser movies, watch Hellraiser (1987), Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988), or Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996). (6of25).

Isolation (2005)

2007-07-30T06:22:00.002-07:00

Director: Billy O'Brien

Writer: Billy O'Brien

Tagline: It didn’t want to be born. Now it doesn’t want to die.

Actors: Essie Davis, Sean Harris, Marcel Iures, Crispin Letts, John Lynch, Ruth Negga, Stanley Townsend

Runtime: 1h 35m

Category: Creature, Thriller

Synopsis: On an isolated farmhouse in rural Ireland experiments are being tested on cows. The experiments are to develop a faster growth rate and therefore breed twice or even three times as much livestock. But something has gone horribly wrong. The first calf delivered, was not delivered alone…it was pregnant! But the babies are not what they seem. Due to the genetic alterations, these mutated offspring have a taste for human flesh…and a bad attitude!

Review: Well, here it is…my first official requested review that wasn’t from family or friend. Thanks Kyra! I think that, overall, I was quite surprised by this movie. This was definitely not what I was expecting. I thought this was gonna be another one of those damn kidnap movies where people are captured and held at bay and/or beaten/tortured by a deranged psychopath or a mad genius with a superiority complex. Thankfully, this was not the case.

The story was very well done and very well thought out. The only thing I didn’t like was that the reason for the offspring being evil was never explained. I understand why they grew so fast, they gave us that one, but why they were killing was never targeted. I think that it would have been complimentary…but it wasn’t totally necessary. The movie was great even without it. But the rest of the story was terrific. The scenery was perfect, the sets were perfect…unfortunately the creature was not (more on that today at eleven. Now let’s go over to Ollie for the Blackuweathe Forecast…Ollie?). Seriously though, I was really impressed with the amount of control and precision demonstrated here…this is not your average movie…and do not discount this movie because of the cover…it’s deceiving. Just as a side note…saw the end coming a mile away!

The acting was gonna be a bash-fest until I thought it through a little more. I thought to myself, “Jonny,” that’s what I go by at back home, is Jonny…I thought, “in your professional opinion, would you consider this bad acting with little emotional commitment…or…convincing acting, making me believe that these really are just simple farmers and a pair of runaways?” And you know what I said? NOTHING!!! Because despite what my wife may say, I’m not crazy! But…after some thought I did decide that this acting was right on the money; I was convinced of each and every character’s emotion and direction. Well done.

The gore factor played a very, very significant role in this movie; not only for cinematic effect and what I like to call “The Gross Factor”, but also for scientific relevance. They didn’t just throw a bunch of blood and chunkies around and call it a day…no, they actually went through the trouble of properly examining the “specimens” and made it what I also like to call “relevant gore”. But the only thing I didn’t like was that you never got a good glimpse of the creatures themselves. I was hoping for some kind of John Carpenter creation but we only got a quick peek at what these damn things really looked like. I was a little disappointed with that but did not make me enjoy the movie any less.

Rating: This is actually kinda hard for me. I’m having a hard time objectively rating this movie. I like it don’t get me wrong, but something about it makes me want to give it a 19. But I won’t. I’ll give it…a…22. I just can’t find too much wrong with it. Apart from not explaining why the fetuses wanted to kill, and the fact that they simply did not show enough of the creatures themselves. But overall this was a great movie and I want to thank you Kyra for the first ever official Jonny Cage’s Horror Movie Reviews movie request. Keep ‘em comin’! (22of25).

Wrong Turn (2003)

2007-07-30T06:22:00.001-07:00

Director: Rob Schmidt

Writer: Alan B. McElroy

Tagline: It's the last one you'll ever take.

Actors: Desmond Harrington, Eliza Dushku, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Jeremy Sisto, Kevin Zegers, Lindy Booth, Julian Richings, Garry Robbins, Ted Clark

Runtime: 1h 24m

Category: Cannibal, Mountain-Men

Synopsis: Jessie and her four friends are out for a weekend camping trip to have some “away time”. Chris Flynn is on his way to a meeting and runs into Jessie and her friends…well…their car is more like it. Now, Jessie and Chris, and Carly and Scott are romping through the brush trying to find civilization when they come across a cottage in the middle of nowhere. One of the girls needs to pee so they go inside; where they find the most grotesque surroundings. When the owners come home, they hide. But from their hiding spots they can see that these three freakish men are carrying something big…human size! They watch helplessly as the three men chop and carve at none other than Jessie’s friend Francine! After the three mountain-men fall asleep, they make a break for it and end up being chased through the forest by a bunch of flesh-hungry cannibals. Who will survive this cat-and-mouse-like fiasco…and who will become dinner?

Review: When I first heard about this movie I was kinda taken back. I wasn’t sure if they were supposed to be playing off of The Hills Have Eyes (1977) or if they were doing something different. But once I saw that it had a slightly different premise and an obviously different setting I was able to catch my breath. I was worried though, about how they were gonna portray these freaks of nature, because the myths and legends associated with massive inbreeding are…well…myths and legends. But I think that one might be plenty surprised, as I was.

The story was nothing new; a cannibalistic family is on the hunt for a bunch of twenty-somethings who end up winning. It’s not an award-winning concept, but a well addressed one. I think what intrigues us about this kind of topic is that science is not really sure what the ramifications of severe inbreeding would be. Obviously the medical code of ethics would never allow that kind of experiment, thus we have to leave the answers to Hollywood; who stop nothing short of amazing. Apart from being a common story, this one hit a little more towards home; taking place in the woods where people could camp.

The acting was not what I had expected. I was sure I was gonna see compelling acting and solid performances…I was a bit off. I’m not saying that the acting was bad; it just seemed strained the whole time. It seemed like the actors were trying too hard to play their characters. Maybe it’s just me…but I think that the actors were a little short on emotion. There are other emotions besides fear you know. And what was up with Desmond Harrington’s character Chris? Mr. “I know all about medicine, and I can keep my cool while watching a chick get dismembered and beheaded, and I’m a tactical genius but never knew it”. That character made me want to lick a retired hooker.

I have to say that if it weren’t for the effects, this movie would have sucked. I was amazed at what they were able to accomplish. All of the death scenes were perfect and very well executed. The blood was very well orchestrated and used wisely. And the little CGI that was used was nicely done. Like the scene where you see that chick’s body fall from through the trees…sweeeeet! (sorry…I got excited). But I was very impressed with the graphics. The make-up was also very well done…yeah…Ms. Dushku seemed to have some on all the time…even while tied up and gagged. But on a more serious note, the cannibal’s faces and make-up were spectacular. The prosthetics people were really having a good day.

Rating: 19. It’s kinda low for a movie I actually liked but I must be fair. Even though the acting was not to par with this type of movie, the graphics and make-up saved it from being a lot lower. I also liked that even though they were going off of a previous story, they were successful in making it their own. Thus…props to you and the crew. Peace. (19of25).

P.S. I still love Eliza Dushku...so hot!

House on Haunted Hill (1959)

2007-07-30T06:21:00.000-07:00

Director: William Castle

Writer: Robb White

Tagline: See it with someone with warm hands!

Actors: Vincent Price, Carolyn Craig, Richard Long, Elisha Cook Jr., Carol Ohmart, Alan Marshal, Julie Mitchum, Leona Anderson, Howard Hoffman

Runtime: 1h 15m

Category: Ghost, Killer, Psychological

Synopsis: Five strangers with seemingly nothing in common, are invited to a “haunted house” party by the eccentric millionaire, Frederick Loren. He has offered each of the five, ten thousand dollars to stay in the house through the night. The owner of the house, a Mr. Pritchard, one of the five, tells a harrowing tale of murder within the walls of the massive house. Overall a total of seven deaths have occurred at this residence; four men, and three women…the exact number of people at the party.

Once the festivities get underway, so does the terror! Between the bickering of Mr. and Mrs. Loren, and the hysterics of Ms. Nora Manning, it is inevitable that something terrible is going to happen. Later, an evil scheme is revealed that might teeter Mr. Loren’s integrity off kilter. Whose voices are those? Who will survive?

Review: Being the basis of one of my favorite scary movies, House on Haunted Hill (1999) (hey, bet you didn’t see that coming), I just had to review it. Apart from that…this movie was awesome! Anything with Vincent Price in it is bound to be great. I could listen to that man talk for days…maybe even weeks. LunchBox made a really cool observation a couple days ago…what if Vincent Price read the Bible for an audio book? Do you have any idea how many people would buy that? Lots! Read me the Bible Mr. Price!

This movie was really something. The story was different, and new for the times. It was something that kinda made you cringe; that someone would be that nuts to invite you to a haunted house for a party for someone you didn’t even know, and for staying you got ten g’s. It just felt like he was willing something to happen, but that was probably the point anyway. But the story was interesting to say the least. The only things that bothered me about the story were; 1) why the house was so heavily fortified anyway. Not even Mr. Pritchard explained that one. And 2) Dr. Trent. It just seemed cliché that he was schooled in hysterics…almost like he was a deliberately placed character. Maybe it’s just me.

The acting was not bad at all. I actually thought that the acting was dead on with each character. Plus…I can’t knock Price for anything. But I thought that each actor was compelling in their own right and did give me a sense of dedication to their individual character.

The script, I must mention, blew me away. Simple. Profound. Beautiful. They just don’t make scripts like this anymore. I was just taken back by the amount of control and precision delivered with this script. No phoniness, no overly extravagant dialog (like their trying to make it smarter than it really is), not even a single curse word. It’s just amazing! Looking back on some of the movies I’ve seen…I just wince. It pains me to think just how far from the mastery of scripting we, as a cinematic society, have fallen.

Rating: 22. If watched at night, in the dark, this movie is pretty terrifying; nothing like its younger counterpart, but terrifying none the least. My only complaints have been stated above and carry a little pull in my rating. Another thing that got me was the Nora character. I know that she was supposed to be the center of all of the “scariness” but her character just seemed more whiney and needy than necessary. I think that it took away from the scenes a little bit…not much…but a little. But overall I thought that this movie was fantastic and should be viewed by anyone who claims to be a horror movie fanatic. So…see it. (22of25).

The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988)

2007-07-30T06:20:00.002-07:00

Director: Wes Craven

Writer: Wade Davis, Richard Maxwell, Adam Rodman

Tagline: Don't bury me...I'm not dead!

Actors: Bill Pullman, Cathy Tyson, Zakes Mokae, Paul Winfield, Brent Jennings, Conrad Roberts, Badja Djola, Theresa Merritt, Michael Gough, Paul Guilfoyle, Dey Young, Aleta Mitchell

Runtime: 1h 38m

Category: Book Adaptation, Voodoo

Synopsis: Dr. Dennis Alan is traveling to Haiti in search of the infamous Zombie Powder. He is accompanied by Marielle Duchamp, a hospital operator. Together they stand up against a ruthless dictator who threatens their work. Dr. Alan ends up getting caught and tortured by the evil dictator, who turns out to be a master of Black Magic. Soon they find a local pub owner who supplies them with the powder and Dr. Alan heads back to the states. Upon his arrival, his dinner with a college goes horribly wrong when his college’s wife becomes possessed and tries to kill Dr. Alan. He realizes that he must stop this evil dictator or he will never again be able to rest.

Back in Haiti, he is taken by a contact there and they hold up at his house. There, his contact dies and some guy blows yellow powder in Dr. Alan’s face. He soon falls victim to the powder and is buried alive by the dictator. Later, he is dug up by a man named Christophe, and he heads to the dictator’s headquarters where his hallucinations get even worse. Upon reaching his chambers, the final showdown ensues with more than Dr. Alan’s soul in the balance.

Review: I have heard many different things about this movie; from terrible to spectacular. Unfortunately, I see both sides. I thought that the movie was good and was able to achieve its goal, but there was something that just irked me the wrong way. I’ll try to point it out.

The story was terrific. It was very ballsy in the effect that the concept of the zombie powder is almost taboo here. No one knows its ingredients, and no one has ever witnessed its creation…and it will probably stay that way. These people guard this secret very closely…and knowing our greedy and evil nature, I don’t blame them. How long do you think it would take a government to realize the powder’s warfare potential? Exactly. And the rest of the story was great too. I liked how every little piece of the story ended up coming together at the end. Happy endings are not a luxury for me and my genre, so when they present themselves…I revel in it.

The acting was not as bad as I thought it was gonna be. It wasn’t great mind you, but not terrible. I think that the surroundings were just so different that it slightly stunted my perception. I thought that each character was uniquely compelling and…wait…that’s it! Bill Pullman! That’s what irked me. I’m just so used to seeing him in laid-back comfortable roles that this just seemed way out of his league. It was a side of Bill I’ve never seen before and I think I was taken back a bit.

The effects and gore were another story. I was pleased with the amount of nightmare sequences, of which was one of their strongest qualities. They were not only terrifying, but they were story-relevant and set up certain plot points. The inclusion of the sequences really tied this movie together and gave it a more sinister aura. It seemed like this dictator guy was screwing with Dr. Alan right from the get-go. The whole concept was quite compelling and really fit well with the rest of the movie.

Rating: 20. Simply because the acting was sub-par and I didn’t like how Dr. Alan was able to get out of the country with the powder. It just didn’t seem realistic. But the rest of the movie was great and a 20 is still pretty damn high. So I would say that this is definitely a movie to see…but don’t go running out to get it. Catch it on Comcast’s OnDemand feature or something…but see it. (20of25).

The 8th Plague (2006)

2007-07-30T06:20:00.001-07:00

Director: Franklin Guerrero Jr.

Writer: Eric Williford, Franklin Guerrero Jr., J. Michael Whalen, Eric Williford

Tagline: It Doesn't Matter if You Believe in Hell... Because Hell Believes in You

Actors: DJ Perry, Leslie Ann Valenza, Terry Jernigan, Charles Edwin Powell, Nitin Adsul, Hollis Zemany, Jonathan Rockett, Laura Chaves, Paul Bugelski, Syn DeVil

Runtime: 1h 40m

Category: Possession, Zombie

Synopsis: Launa and her friends Crystal and Gavin are heading up to the mountain town of Halcyon Springs in search of her sister Nikki. While investigating her disappearance, they come across their abandoned campsite. They head to the local police station to file a missing persons report, and the sheriff tells the deputy to take them up to the Halcyon Ridge Correctional Facility. On the way, they stop to pick up Mason, a local man with a shadowy past. On the way, they meet Curtis, the local lush, and he tells the story of the prison and why nobody ever goes up there. Turns out, that a prisoner there had somehow gotten a hold of an ancient book and turned most of the other prisoners into flesh-starved zombies. Curtis also said that they should not read the writing on the wall, because that’s how “the evil” gets inside you…through your eyes.

Now at the prison, Crystal and Gavin, Launa and Mason, and Deputy Buck go off in search of Launa’s sister Nikki. What they find is a prison crawling with the hungry undead and sinister markings on a mess hall wall. The legend states that is you look at the markings, the evil will take over your soul; and the only way to get rid of it, is to gauge out your eyes. Can anyone survive this prison of horror, or will some get away and live to tell their story?

Review: This movie was referred to me by a buddy of mine from work (yes I have an actual job). He told me that it was one of the best zombie movies he’s seen in a long time. So, being a self-proclaimed zombie-connoisseur, I took the challenge; and I would have to say that it was not as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

The story was actually the only thing I was not totally crazy about in this movie. I knew where they were going with the story but it just didn’t seem to fit together tightly. The whole thing about an “ancient evil” taking over your soul was a really nice touch. But the premise behind the story just seemed strained. There was no back-story on the book itself, where it came from, what religion/belief it was, who gave it to the prisoner, why that prisoner got the book, and whatever happened to it. Some very important plot-points I think! For me, maybe I’m nuts, huh huh, parts of the movie were actually hard to watch because of the lack of background on the book and its origin (religion and region). But the rest of the story was really good; a heart-sick sister in search of the other gets trapped in a prison swarming with zombies…not bad. I always like to see new ideas for a zombie movie…keeps me going.

The acting was…to tell the truth…not too bad. Trust me, I was expecting much worse. But the acting was good enough for its purposes. I didn’t particularly care for some of the character development though. Some of the characters didn’t really develop at all. It’s a shame too because I think that if some of the characters could have expanded a bit, I would have been complimentary. The other unfortunate thing about the acting was the zombies. The zombies were terrible; in acting and make-up (more on that tonight at six, back to you Diane). The actors that portrayed the zombies must have never seen a zombie film in their entire life. It was hard to watch a bunch of no-namers make a mockery of my favorite horror character. They should have gone to zombie acting school or something; I’ll teach…Professor Jonny Cage in the house! Detention…Booyah bitches!

The effects were not what I expected at all. Apart from the problem I have with the poor make-up job on the zombies, the rest was really good. The gore was fantastic and the blood use was exquisite. When Mason took out his eyes…damn! That was a phenomenal scene. I was so very impressed with that scene alone, I actually went back and watched it twice over again. It surprised me to see such well-orchestrated gore in a straight-to-DVD B-movie. I haven’t seen caliber like this since Barricade (2007). But the other thing I liked about the effects was the nightmare sequences. With quality frame jumps and relevant content, they were able to pull the viewer in and keep them there. I was surprised to see such attention to detail in this area, considering some multi-million dollar movies with this kind of effect bomb completely. Sometimes it takes a little guy to make a big movie…now I’m a philosophizer.

Rating: 17. Please don’t get me wrong, this was a good movie. But some of the key parts needed were either not there or not well done. Thus, objectively, I have to lower the rating a bit. If they would have spent a little more time on the zombie make-up and back-story of the book, I may have given this a 21 or 22…maybe higher. But I have to calls ‘em like I sees ‘em. Cool movie though, if you get a chance…check it out. (17of25).

Depraved (1994)

2007-07-30T06:19:00.002-07:00

Writer: Harold Schechter

Publisher: Pocket Books, Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Sub-Title: The Shocking True Story of America’s First Serial Killer

Category: Book, Killer

Synopsis: True crime author Harold Schechter chronicles the life and times of America’s first serial killer: H. H. Holmes a.k.a. Herman Webster Mudgett. Following his life from his arrival to Chicago, through his continental meanderings, through his trial, and finally to his death on May 7th, 1896.

When Holmes had come to Chicago, he employed himself with the local druggist. He then proceeded to purchase the store and run it himself. Finally getting up enough money, he built what had been known as “The Castle”, a three-story, odd-shaped building right on the corner, and across the street form his drug store. During the days of the Chicago World’s Fair, he had rented out rooms in his “Castle” to many-a-traveler who wished to stay. The police and detectives have no way of knowing just how many of those poor sight-seers he had done away with. Holmes had run piping throughout each of the rooms in The Castle, which connected to valves located in his room. These valves released a noxious gas into the room, incapacitating or even killing unsuspecting tourists.

With the help of his side-kick Benjamin Pitezel, Holmes had a brilliant idea of scamming an insurance company. They would take out a large life insurance policy out on Pitezel’s life and then fake his death. After the accomplishment of said task, he successfully moved Carrie Pitezel, Benjamin’s wife, and two of her children, from city to city without ever knowing that, while moving them, he was also coordinating the movement of Carrie’s other three children, and Holmes’ wife Georgiana. Over about four or five different cities across the nation and into Canada, Holmes had successfully moved three separate families, all the while keeping each one oblivious to the other two’s whereabouts.

Once the police finally caught up with him, Holmes stood trial for the death of Benjamin Pitezel, and insurance fraud. After what could only be described as a desperate attempt, Holmes and his on-again off-again lawyers finally lost the battle. And on May 7th, 1896, at 10:25 in the a.m., Herman Webster Mudgett, alias H. H. Holmes was pronounced dead. And the whole world let out a simultaneous relaxing breath.

Review: I thought that this book was fantastic. It gave boat-loads of information and pinpoint accuracy. From my knowledge, I could not think of a better author to tackle such a prolific individual than Harold Schechter. I love his writing style and his vocabulary.

The story itself is amazing. The beginning of the book was a little boring but it was necessary. The whole first half of the book was a background story about Chicago and an insight into its history. But all of that information, although not as exciting as catching a serial killer, was very, very necessary. But once the story picked up a bit, I couldn’t put this book down. And when they got into the moving around of the three families, I was completely hooked. It is just amazing that Holmes was able to pull some of this stuff off.

I have said this many times before and I think it bears repeating; that no matter how good or evil a person is…that does not stop them from being a great person. Take this into context now; the word “great” does not always mean “good”. Like, let’s say, Hitler. I can feel some of you pulling away from me now…but wait, I have a point. Hitler was one of the world’s most horrible tyrants and one of the most evil men to walk the earth…but there is no denying that he did great things. Those things may have been evil and horrible on levels that we can never even fathom, but great indeed. Stalin, Hussein, Bonaparte, Khan…all terrifying men with evil in their hearts, but great men none the less. It is a tough concept to wrap around but it’s true. Anyone can be a great person...it’s up to them if their greatness will come from love or hate.

I have digressed.

The other thing that baffles me about this man is his innate sense of self. I have never witnessed such confidence in a man as this one. The things that he tried and accomplished throughout his murderous years continue to stick in my mind. He had such overwhelming confidence that he was able to art around three separate parties of people from city to city without any of them knowing about the others. He was able to elude the authorities from many years and hide many of his victims. Although the law did finally catch up with him, he still displayed his over-confidence; by acting as his own attorney during much of his trial. I have never heard of confidence like that! His arrogance knew no bounds. It just goes to show you that if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything…I guess.

Rating: 22. I liked the book a lot but there just was not enough gore for me. Although this does not sway my rating at all, I just felt I should note that. The story was very compelling and the information was very precise. Harold Schechter really captured the essence of this man and was able to place me right into the pages of the book. Not necessarily my favorite book, but definitely a worth-while read. (22of25).

Devil’s Trade - 104 - Anna’s Plan

2007-07-30T06:19:00.001-07:00

Director: Toby Wilkins

Writer: Ben Ketai

Tagline: [None Yet]

Actors: Ed Canossa, Ginny Weirick, Michael Conti

Runtime: 3m 16s

Category: Curse

Synopsis: After the events of the previous episode, Anna, Jim and Darren discuss ways to get rid of the cross. Darren finally tells them that he bought it from a website called DevilsTrade.com. Once on the site, Anna finds testimonies from hundreds of other people claiming that the curse of the cross is real. Finally, a decision is reached…sell it. But to whom?

Review: Once again I state that this series needs to consist of longer episodes. But there was a lot of information in this one. Like the last episode, they discuss their options and finally decide to sell the bad boy. I did like the hundreds of testimonies on the site though…gave it an ominous feeling. Other than that…nothing else happened.

Oh yeah, Darren coughed up some bloody body tissue at the end…not bad.

Rating: 16. Like the last episode, I wanted more. I’m just not comfortable with these piddley little four-minute-or-so episodes. I don’t mind being left hanging, but this is becoming ridiculous. But, I do have to say, I am getting pulled into the story. (16of25).

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Devil’s Trade - 103 - Hanging

2007-07-30T06:18:00.000-07:00

Director: Toby Wilkins

Writer: Ben Ketai

Tagline: [None Yet]

Actors: Ed Canossa, Ginny Weirick, Michael Conti

Runtime: 4m 12s

Category: Curse

Synopsis: Back from school, Darren, Anna, and Jim sit down to have a little chat about this cross thing that seems to be the cause of all of their problems. Darren finally reveals to Anna and Jim the origins of the cross and the story behind it. In a rage, Darren tries to burn the cross and ends up being hanged by an invisible rope! Anna and Jim save him and they all realize that the cross cannot be destroyed.

Review: I thought this episode was key. It gave us some back-story (finally) on that damn cross and showed us that it can’t be destroyed. I did like how once Darren set the cross on fire he immediately started to choke; like he’s linked to the cross or something. I thought that that little bit of cinema was very well done.

But…I am starting to get very agitated with this series. Even though this is a new thing they are doing and not totally sure how to do it, these episodes need to be a lot longer. I’m getting tired of little snippet-like episodes that leave me hanging for a week. But…on the other hand, it’s brilliant. Keep your audience wanting more and give them something to look forward to. Yeah, I get it.

Rating: 16. Even though this episode was a key plot point…it wasn’t that great. Yeah the whole Darren on an invisible noose thing was cool, but that was the only thing that happened. I just wish these could be like fifteen-minute episodes or something, so they could give us some, even if it’s very small, resolution. (16of25).

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The Breed (2006)

2007-07-30T06:17:00.002-07:00

Director: Nicholas Mastandrea

Writer: Robert Conte, Peter Martin Wortmann

Tagline: Play dead.

Actors: Michelle Rodriguez, Oliver Hudson, Taryn Manning, Eric Lively, Hill Harper, Nick Boraine, Lisa-Marie Schneider

Runtime: 1h 27m

Category: Creature, Killer

Synopsis: Five college kids fly out to a deserted island to a cottage for a week away from real life to relax. When genetically altered German Sheppard’s attack one of their friends (Taryn Manning), they decide to leave the island. However, the dogs are not quite ready to let them leave. The dogs continue to attack in an attempt to fulfill their blood thirsty nature. Now without the plane they came in, can these friends get off of the island or are they doomed to be hunted by man’s best friend?

Review: I know how it sounds but it was actually a pretty cool movie. I don’t normally look into movies with dogs because it seems so ridiculous but I figured Michelle Rodriguez in a bikini was worth trying it out. I was impressed. Not so much by the plot because it was kinda sketchy and the acting was pretty ok but the dogs were outstanding. When those dogs started to attack it really made the adrenaline rush go into overdrive. I think it is because dogs are usually so docile and we keep them as pets so when they go berserker on us we are so shocked we shit our shorts. The setting was great and the camera work was outstanding for a direct to video movie. The scenery was placed very well and you really felt like they were on a deserted island not just on the back of some resort island.

One thing I didn’t like was that the only black guy (who does die first) in the movie is Hill Harper (CSI: NY). My issue is that on CSI he is sophisticated and educated, but in this movie he is trying to talk ghetto and fails miserably. He is about as ghetto as I am and sounds just as stupid trying to talk like that. It was disturbing to say the least. Now what I loved was the surprise of the dogs coming out at every turn with vicious teeth ready to chomp. There is one scene that was particularly cool when John (Oliver Hudson) is shooting an arrow at one of the dogs that is biting Nikki (Michelle Rodriguez) on the calf. He ends up shooting her in the leg instead of hitting the dog. I was impressed because it would have been too cliché to have him kill the dog but a nice little twist to have him shoot right through her leg.

Rating: 19. I liked it. I really did. I have a new respect for the canine horror genre to go and look for a couple of other dog movies. This movie kinda felt like a lot of other movies where kids are stuck in a lose-lose situation, but manage to emerge victorious from whatever is chasing them. However I was so impressed with the dogs in this movie that I was able to overlook some of the imperfections and focus on scenery and action. I would say check it out. You will think twice before you smack your dog again. (19of25).

Blood Relic (2005)

2007-07-30T06:17:00.001-07:00

Director: J. Christian Ingvordsen

Writer: Matthew M. Howe, J. Christian Ingvordsen

Tagline: Voodoo Curse Has Been Unleashed... Again!

Actors: Billy Drago, Joshua Park, Jennifer Lauren Grant, Debbie Rochon, Kelly Ray, Jon Christian, Caitlin Sabins, Meyer DeLeeuw, Jesse Steccato, Melanie Rademaker Lawrence Starr

Runtime: 1h 26m

Category: Curse, Possession, Voodoo

Synopsis: Blood Relic (2005) begins in 1983 when a fighter pilot discovers an artifact that unleashes an evil force that makes him go on a killing spree at the naval base where he works. He is arrested for his crimes, but not before stashing the artifact in one of the base's hangars. Fast forward to 2005 and that hangar is now about to be turned into an aviation museum, but the Pilot, newly released from the slammer, wants to get back and reclaim the object -- an act that could unleash a whole new wave of terror. It’s up to a group of college students working to get the museum ready to open, who sneak into the hanger after hours to party (of course), to stop the evil force before they are all dead.

Review: I have learned that when you watch a low budget movie you can’t have expectations. If you do, most of the time you will be very disappointed. This would have been the case if I had thought that this flaming turd of a movie would be anything but that. Everyone in this movie acts freakin’ retarded. See, I love so many different things about movies, but when a crappy movie takes itself seriously, I just cringe.

Well, where do I begin, here is a list of the things this movie had (yes, this is my pro and con list):

Cheap sets: ☑
Bad acting: ☑
Unnecessary nudity: ☑☑ (get it…two boobs…double check…never mind if I have to explain it, you are never getting into MENSA)
Bad death scenes: ☑

Ok so now that we know that this is a typical B-horror movie lets move on. Did you ever notice that in lower budget movies that there always seems to be more nudity, and you can’t seem to figure out why it made sense to have it in there, except that its nudity so it just works? Well this was no exception. The nudity was unnecessary, not because it wasn’t needed to fill the gaping shit storm that was the movie but because if you are going to have boobs in a movie, make sure they don’t suck. Bad boobs are still boobs I agree, but I don’t need you playing poker topless just to show them. Show them while someone is trying to kill you and you are running. Or while you are doing “it”, but since your boobs suck you probably are not doing “it” so you are stuck playing strip poker with the chick with an A-cup and three-inch long nipples, the chick with a droopy pair of double-Ds and the chick that has the weird banana tits.

Anyway, that was my biggest issue with this movie. Sure the plot was sloppy and lame and the acting sucked and the characters all hooked up like it was spring break, but at freakin’ work. There was no character development so I didn’t have the mental capacity to give a shit if they died or not. Bad move when you want some random viewer to get sucked into the story. But overall I’ve seen much worse, and without boobs in it as well. The gore was sub par as well.

Rating: 13. There needs to be a Feng Shui balance of boobs and gore in B movies. This was off. While it is not the worst film I’ve seen it still wasn’t worth the hour and a half I spent of my life watching it. I could have been, well, watching something else. (13of25).

The Birds (1963)

2007-07-30T06:16:00.001-07:00

Director: Alfred Hitchcock

Writer: Daphne Du Maurier, Evan Hunter

Tagline: Suspense and shock beyond anything you have seen or imagined!

Actors: Rod Taylor, Jessica Tandy, Suzanne Pleshette, Tippi Hedren, Veronica Cartwright

Runtime: 1h 59m

Category: Creature, Thriller

Synopsis: Melanie Daniels has come to the small port town of Bodega Bay to play a joke on Mitch Brenner, a man whom she barely knows but is intrigued by. She has purchased a pair of lovebirds and has brought them all the way from San Francisco to give to his younger sister Cathy for her birthday. The two meet up at the docks after Melanie is attacked by a seagull. Nothing serious but it does seem peculiar to Mitch. Soon after, the rest of the townsfolk have noticed that the birds have been acting very strangely…and amassing their numbers! After an attack on the local school, the town is in an all-out panic. The “Bird War”, as they start to call it, has begun. How can we defend ourselves from the birds of the air?

Review: Every time I watch this movie it gives me the chills. I don’t find it particularly scary or anything, but it does make me uneasy about walking by the ducks and geese at the pond in our apartment complex. Apart from the obvious reasons of being disgusting animals, this movie delivers the paranoia of “couldn’t all of these birds be plotting an attack?” Even though the Mrs. Bundy character was right about the fact that birds do not have sufficient brain power to organize and plot strikes like that, it still makes me uneasy.

The story was something that the world had never seen before. It was an idea that not many people had thought of. The concept alone is worth a high rating. It’s stories like this that spread world-wide paranoia. I can guarantee that after seeing this movie back in ’63, everyone was walking on eggshells around all birds. The story was terrific and well written…they just don’t make ‘em like that anymore.

The acting was actually very good. I usually laugh a lot while watching older movies, as I did with this one, but the acting was still really good. The characters were believable and well written. Not very often does a movie have a good script and good actors…usually one is lacking in some respect. But these actors were great, well-rounded actors, making the movie that much more believable.

The script was something that I haven’t seen a lot of lately. It was clever, funny at parts, and simple. Not a lot of hooplah and fancy stuff…it sounded like the actors were just talking to each other, instead of acting. That is what you look for in acting; if the actors/actresses can act without looking like they’re acting. But this script was simple enough to be effective and attention-grabbing.

The effects were something really spectacular. I know that they look cheap and hoaky by today’s standards, but think of it in context. In 1963, this was all new stuff. They were able to mix puppets, real birds, and green-screen technology to create the effect of swarms of birds. This would be the equivalent of using CGI to make ghost-like effects on people, or using superimposition to do a complicated car crash sequence. It’s all about the times and their available technology. This was the best they could do back in ’63…and it was great!

Rating: 23. I loved this movie but I could have done without a lot of the back-story. It just seemed unnecessary to me. But overall it was awesome. I had to laugh throughout the whole thing though. I noticed that every time someone was walking it sounded like the ground was covered with Cocoa Pebbles. Maybe it’s just me but I find stuff like that hilarious. Just like when Melanie spent the night at Mitch’s, and the next morning she’s all like super-wife and stuff; making his mother tea and sending him off to help with the investigation, and they’re not even married! I just found it funny that she had been in that town less than two full days and she is already becoming a doting housewife…without the housewife part I guess. Oh, well. Just watch the movie! (23of25).

The Mangler (1995)

2007-07-30T06:15:00.000-07:00

Director: Tobe Hooper

Writer: Stephen King, Tobe Hooper, Stephen David Brooks, Harry Alan Towers

Tagline: Escape is not an option.

Actors: Robert Englund, Ted Levine, Daniel Matmor, Jeremy Crutchley, Vanessa Pike, Demetre Phillips, Lisa Morris, Vera Blacker

Runtime: 1h 46m

Category: Possession, Supernatural

Synopsis: During a normal day at Blue Ribbon Laundry, one of the workers gets her hand caught in an automatic folding machine known as a mangler. Only after this incident have people noticed strange things about the machine. So Officer John Hunton is sent to investigate. He confides in his hippie, occultist friend Mark Jackson who suggests that the machine may be possessed. Not taking him seriously at all, he continues with his investigation, while the machine takes more victims. Now in a desperate attempt to stop the killings, John and Mark head out to the laundry warehouse to exorcise the demon within the machine. If they succeed, they could very well be heroes; if they fail, they could unleash the demon’s true powers and damn us all!

Review: I think that watching this movie at like ten o’clock on a Sunday night is not a good idea. Considering I just wanted something to watch and almost didn’t care what it was, I ended turning on this heap of garbage. Thank God it was free from Comcast’s OnDemand feature! I might have thrown a temper tantrum!

The story was absolutely ridiculous in every respect. Why would a demon from Hell come to earth to take the form of a stationary machine? Why wouldn’t the demon want to be mobile, like a car or something? It was just ridiculous. I don’t think I liked anything about the story or its plot, or its plot points, or anything else for that matter.

The acting was…just…uhg. I love Robert Englund…and I loved Ted Levine in Silence of the Lambs (1991)…but this is just torture. I didn’t even like Englund’s performance in this movie…and I don’t ever knock Englund. But the whole cast just seemed to overact…all the time! It seemed like they were trying to be hoaky and overzealous. I found almost everything about this movie to be funny and poorly acted.

The script itself wasn’t even good. I thought that maybe because of the apparent overacting, that they might have had a great script, but the cast was just screwing it up…yeah…no such luck. The script was as bad as the acting. I am disappointed in Tobe Hooper.

The effects were great up until the end. I thought that the gore was very well done with some nice arm ripping/crushing scenes and some nice piles of mangled up bodies. But at the end…the machine…picked itself up…and gave chase! How ridiculous! Now I have this computer animated machine chasing after our hero and his heroine…I am not happy. I understand that that kind of technology was new and still being perfected, but come on!

Rating: 6. Had to give it some good markings for the effects up until the end. So I left it at 6. If anyone wants to refute that, you can email me whenever and we can have ourselves a nice little quiet argument. Fun for the whole family. If you’re bored one day and you see this movie on your TV…STAY AWAY! (6of25).

High Tension (2003)

2007-07-30T06:14:00.002-07:00

Director: Alexandre Aja

Writer: Alexandre Aja, Grégory Levasseur

Tagline: Hearts will bleed.

Actors: Cécile De France, Maïwenn Le Besco, Philippe Nahon, Franck Khalfoun, Andrei Finti, Oana Pellea, Marco Claudiu Pascu, Jean-Claude de Goros, Bogdan Uritescu, Gabriel Spahiu

Runtime: 1h 31m

Category: Killer, French, Psychological, Thriller

Synopsis: Hoping to get away for a weekend of hardcore studying, best friends Marie and Alexia decide to drive to Alexia’s parent’s farmhouse out in the French countryside for some peace and quiet. But, their idyllic peace is cut short when, in the middle of the night, a stranger knocks on the door. After the first swing of the knife starts a night of endless death and horror.

Review: Honestly, I have to say I love this movie. Everything about this film screams terror. The script was incredible; not too over the top; not too grandiose. It never tried to be something it wasn’t. The movie concentrated on the psychological side of horror instead of creating some impossible killer and fantasy situations like some movies; Friday the 13th (1980) and A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) just to name a couple. The writers gave us a real family, real friends and a real killer just as human as everyone else.

The script and dialog impressed me. Instead of filming it totally in French and sub-titling it, they used the actor’s real voices and accents, making it just that much more interesting.

Suspense was built almost immediately, and it kept you on the edge of your seat the entire film. More than scary, I found High Tension (2003) incredibly creepy. The killer was creepy, and dare I say…detached from humanity. It didn’t seem to bother him to take a guy’s head off with a heavy-ass dresser; or even killing a child who was no threat to him at all.

In the end, the ultimate mind-screw, the thing that makes this a successful movie is the revelation that the friend has snapped and is the killer; and she killed for love of her friend. The greatest, most mind-blowing scene, is where Marie is sitting in the mental institution, turns to the two-way mirror and reaches out to Alexia, even though she can’t see her and doesn’t know if anyone is even there…really freakin’ awesome/creepy. Enough to leave chills up your spine!

Rating: 25. This movie was top notch. I would recommend this to every horror movie fanatic; although I would personally classify this as suspense/mental terror. Either category can’t take away from how kick ass this movie is. From beginning to end this movie keeps you in suspense. Sheesh! Some of these American directors need to take a lesson from the French. They may be a land of poofy cheese-eaters, but they know their shut when it comes to horror films. Nuff said bitches! (25of25).

1408 (2007)

2007-07-30T06:14:00.001-07:00

Director: Mikael Håfström

Writer: Matt Greenberg, Scott Alexander, Larry Karaszewski, Stephen King

Tagline: The Dolphin Hotel invites you to stay in any of its stunning rooms. Except one.

Actors: John Cusack, Paul Birchard, Margot Leicester, Walter Lewis, Tony Shalhoub, Samuel L. Jackson

Runtime: 1h 34m

Category: Book Adaptation, Psychological, Thriller

Synopsis: Mike Enslin is an occult writer doing a book about the one hundred scariest hotels. Since the projects inception, Mike has been dismayed and unimpressed; countless amounts of mail from hotels across the U.S. claiming to have paranormal activity; all disappointing. But one day he gets a post card that says simply “Don’t enter 1408” at the Dolphin Hotel in New York. Intrigued, Mike shoots out to New York to do his “routine investigation”. Upon his arrival, manager Gerald Olin lures Mike into his office. There Olin tries to persuade Mike to not stay in 1408 with expensive liquor and access to the file containing information pertaining to all fifty-six deaths related to 1408. Even more intrigued, Mike convinces Olin to let him stay and the key is handed over. What happens next is a winding road of psychosis and nightmare all wrapped up into a tight little ball of everything you fear the most…then it explodes!

Review: You gotta love Stephen King! Only a man that deranged can make up a story like this and not think twice. I would never harp on Mr. King in any way shape or form, but I must say that he is one of the most brilliant and screwed up individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure of being entertained by. From book to film, and film to book…this man is a master of all things scary and horrifying. So, without further delay, I give you…1408!

The story was the second most compelling portion of this movie. Finally redeeming myself from Bug (2006), that debacle of a movie I dragged one of my friends to, this film pulled out all the stops. From beginning to end I was absolutely captivated. Yet, I was worried about Cusack, being a comedy front-man most of the time (more on that later). But everything played very well into a story that seemed to be an evil mix of The Shining (1980), Alice in Wonderland (1951), and Dark Corners (2006). I know it sounds kinda strange but it’s true; this movie had some of the most horrifying scenes I’ve seen in cinema in a very long time. Whatever you do…don’t blink…

Cusack’s cynical nature made his character far beyond my expectations. He brought just the right amount of humor and condescend…ding…ness (probably not a real word) to give his character an aura of professionalism and skepticism. Leading into this psychotic story in which he is to be mentally tortured for the rest of his life, Cusack was able to convince me of his every emotion. Especially when he went off on the mini-bar and when he saw his daughter. On a side note, during that scene when he was talking to his daughter…something historic had happened; not a single person in that theatre made a sound. The only thing you could hear was that damn projector. There is no question in my mind about Cusack’s acting ability…undeniably, one of our best.

The effects made this movie. You can have the creepiest story ever written but it won’t matter an inch if you can’t produce the effects. This movie did not disappoint. Like I said before…only Stephen King. But I must note that this director should get some serious mad props for this, because I haven’t seen a movie this visually and mentally enticing since House on Haunted Hill (1999). From what I heard from a reliable source, this movie was supposed to be scarier than The Shining (1980)…I’m not sure if I can say that. This movie was mostly visual and mental terror, whereas the latter is mostly implied. The Shining (1980) was written so that we could scare ourselves…nudging us into fear. This movie, although phenomenal in its own rite, delivered fewer implications and more visuals. Now, this is not necessarily bad, however, I must say that the visual effects, coupled with an astounding audio track, did deliver an overly sufficient amount of terror. Apart from a couple of dry areas…this movie scared me…yes SCARED me.

Rating: 25. Yes, 25. I have been fretting over this for a little over twenty-four hours and finally came to the conclusion…I can’t rip this movie at all! I had only one problem with this movie, but it seems too minute to even warrant mentioning. But I will; it was the person attacking Enslin in the room. That character had no explanation, but was eventually seen inside a painting after it had already been inspected. Just seems like a continuity error or something. But even that; though it did bother me a bit, cannot make me give this movie anything less than what it deserves. I applaud the cast and crew for putting out the best movie I’ve seen all year. DO NOT MISS THIS MOVIE!! (25of25).

The Abandoned (2006)

2007-07-30T06:13:00.000-07:00

Director: Nacho Cerdà

Writer: Karim Hussain, Nacho Cerdà, Richard Stanley

Tagline: Death never runs out of time.

Actors: Anastasia Hille, Karel Roden, Valentin Ganev, Paraskeva Djukelova, Carlos Reig-Plaza, Monica Baunova, Marta Yaneva

Runtime: 1h 34m

Category: Ghost, Horrorfest, Thriller

Synopsis: Marie has traveled from the States to Russia in search of information pertaining to her birth parents. She meets with a man named Andrei Misharin who tells her that the family farm is now in her possession. She travels out to the island farm and ends up inside the family house. While investigating the crude remains, she sees someone walking around. When she goes to confront the intruder, she realizes that the person is…her! She storms out of the house and falls into the river. Waking up some time later, she realizes she is not alone. The man in the room with her introduces himself as Nicolai…her brother. Together they set out to discover just what happened to their parents and why they are being stalked by dead doubles of themselves. What they find is a family nightmare that began back in’66, and there are plans to end it…tonight.

Review: I have been waiting for this movie to come to video for some time now. Being labeled the favorite of the After Dark Horrorfest convention, obviously I was intrigued. I knew nothing about it; story or otherwise, so I ended up going into it blind…with high ambitions. Needless to say, I was not disappointed. It did deliver exactly what I had expected. I just wish it would have started a little faster.

The story was wonderful. I thought it was compelling and very intense. It is not necessarily a new concept but I thought it was a nice change from the hum-drum ghost movies I’ve seen lately. This movie carried an ambience of dread and death throughout almost the whole movie. The only thing that bothered me was the fact that it took so long to get going. After about thirty minutes I thought to myself “I hope the next hour is better than these last thirty minutes.” It was. The story picked up almost immediately after thinking that and didn’t really slow down much.

The acting was not too bad. I recognized only one person in the movie and the character I new him as wasn’t that great. It was Karel Roden as Rasputin from Hellboy (2004). His character didn’t have a whole lot of depth so I don’t think he had much room to work with. But here he was able to flex a bit and show a dramatic side. I was impressed overall but not to the point of warranting a Best Actor/Actress award or anything like that. All they really had to do was act scared…that’s not all that hard with a story like that.

The effects were really cool. I loved the make-up on the double-gangers, as Nicolai called them. Those characters were creepy as hell! Slowly stalking you with those bleach-white eyes and pale complexion; enough no make your spin tingle. But that doesn’t compare to the scene where the house turns itself back to 1966. That whole scene was cool as hell, with all of the broken dishes and floorboards fusing back together and flying up to their rightful place. Damn! Very nicely done.

Rating: 22. I liked the movie but I would have liked a bit more info on the family. I think a little explanation about why the father tried to kill his family would have been nice. I mean, the story was good and all, but I don’t understand why the father tried to kill everyone. Was he sick? Was he possessed? What? It doesn’t make sense. That’s the only thing that really bothered me with this movie. If your gonna have a story about a father who tried to kill his family, didn’t succeed, then tries again forty years later, that’s fine; but his reasoning needs to be explained…even if it’s just a pin-point piece of information...hint at something at least. (22of25).

Dark Corners (2006)

2007-07-30T06:12:00.002-07:00

Director: Ray Gower

Writer: Ray Gower

Tagline: Terror Breeds in the Shadows of the Soul

Actors: Thora Birch, Toby Stephens, Christien Anholt, Joanna Hole, Lorraine Bruce, Ray Charleson, Michael J. Reynolds, Alan Perrin, Oliver Price, Glenn Beck

Runtime: 1h 32m

Category: Killer, Psychological, Thriller

Synopsis: Susan and David have been trying to conceive for about three years now and so far nothing has worked. A fertilization treatment is their last hope and the stress has gotten to Susan. Lately, Susan has been experiencing intensely vivid nightmares, compiling all of her worries into nonsensical fragments in an alternate reality. Susan’s “dream self”, as described by her psychoanalyst, Dr. Woodleigh, is named Karen Clarke; who is a funeral home assistant and being stalked by a killer known as The Nightstalker; the only constant between her reality and her dream reality. These two realities intermingle consistently until the end, when The Nightstalker is revealed and your worst fears are born.

Review: I think that, like some other movies I’ve seen, that knowing nothing about this movie kinda saved it. Even though I enjoyed most of the movie in all aspects, if I would have gotten a heads-up about the plot or the storyline, I might have passed this by. So please…do not discount this movie. The story and the plot may sound kinda cheesy but believe me…you’re wrong.

The story itself was a bit confusing; although I did enjoy the twists and turns. It seemed like every progression made by Susan negatively paralleled Karen. And having both know that the other is a dream makes for an interesting story in itself. I liked how at one point I thought “What if our own dreams were reality…and our own reality is our own dream.” This is in no way a new idea but I liked that it made me think…and that’s not my fortay. Not too many movies now-a-days actually make me think. But overall the story was fantastic and very compelling.

The acting was, unbeknownst to me, quite good. It’s still kinda hard to see Thora Birch as a legitimate actress; after seeing her in Hocus Pocus (1993) and Monkey Trouble (1994) as a child, and then seeing her show her ta-ta’s in American Beauty (1999) (very nice by the way…wink). But she’s starting to grow on me (not like that…you sick perv). Either way, her youth or her ta-ta’s, she did very well in this movie. I was very impressed with the level of control she displayed over her character and the simple ease she showed playing her. The rest of the cast were just supporting and rightfully so. If this movie was meant to introduce Thora into the wonderful world that is the horror genre…she might be here to stay.

The effects were one of the other things that made me like this movie. From the beginning where the corpse grabs her as Karen and starts ripping open his mouth through the stitches, to when The Nightstalker from the dream licked a fetus after ripping it out of Karen. The visual effects, though masterfully done, were not the only effects that were used. On the contrary, the audio effects may have actually made this movie a whole lot creepier then it was originally anticipated. With slow, froggy voice-overs and those cool sounds that are played when the screen movies really fast, this movie is gonna be big…after people start seeing it more.

Rating: 22. Simply because I would have liked a little more time spent in the dream world. I understand that the dream world was not the basis of the story, but it was the most visually stimulating and therefore the most interesting. But overall this movie was really cool. I would definitely suggest that people catch this flick…soon! (22of25).

The Ugly (1997)

2007-07-30T06:12:00.001-07:00

Director: Scott Reynolds

Writer: Scott Reynolds

Tagline: Murder is in the eye of the beholder.

Actors: Paolo Rotondo, Rebecca Hobbs, Jennifer Ward-Lealand, Roy Ward, Vanessa Byrnes, Paul Glover, Christopher Graham, Jon Brazier

Runtime: 1h 33m

Category: Killer, Thriller

Synopsis: Simon is being visited by yet another psychiatrist. Placed into a mental institution after brutally murdering at least a dozen people, including his own domineering mother. The psychiatrist, Dr. Karen Schumaker has been personally called by Simon to do yet another evaluation. During their discussions, Simon details to Karen that his childhood was filled with abuse, both familial and scholastic, and disappointment. Hoping to find out exactly why Simon began killing in the first place, Dr. Schumaker digs a bit deeper. Eventually she finds what she has been looking for…only it is not what she had expected! Simon says that he hears the voices of his victims telling him to kill…and keep killing! Now, Karen is in…but is there a way out?

Review: I first heard about this movie when I was watching Bravo’s 100 Scariest Movie Moments of All Time. I knew nothing about it and didn’t really know how to prepare myself. But after the movie was finally over I realized the reason Bravo had included this film in it’s to 100.

The story is very compelling in the sense that you know that Simon is a serial killer and that he is mentally deranged…but you can’t help feel sorry for him. This is the first movie I’ve ever seen where the writer’s intention was to specifically make you relate positively to the bad guy. Then after Karen breaks through, you see a whole new Simon…the serial killer Simon. This change brought about the center of the story; The Ugly. The Ugly are the victims of Simon’s crimes that have stuck around to make him kill more. That is one hell of a concept; that your victims stay with you and force you to continue your evil deeds. This story was awesome!

The acting was ok. I wasn’t thrilled with the acting but it was the astounding suspense that kept me glued to my massive 20in. Apex. But the acting was convincing enough to make be believe and to draw me more into the story…of which is the ultimate intension.

The effects were pretty good for pre-millennia flick. The throat cutting was not too bad…actually…it was decent. But it was The Ugly that got me the most. Those people were scary as friggin hell! And when they started talking…oh!...I almost dropped a log right on the couch! For a ’97 flick…these effects kicked ass!

Rating: 20. Even though I loved the story…there was a whole lot of it. I think that if the story was shorter and there was more of a struggle between Simon and Karen, this flick would have been wicked boss! But I have to leave it with a 20 and let it alone. I must say though…this movie should not be missed. If you ever get the chance, find it. Actually, it’s on Comcast’s OnDemand feature under “Free Movies”, “FEARnet”, then “All Movies”. That should take you right to it. Peace! (20of25).

Hostel: Part II (2007)

2007-07-30T06:11:00.001-07:00

Director: Eli Roth

Writer: Eli Roth

Tagline: Welcome To Your Worst Nightmare…Again.

Actors: Lauren German, Roger Bart, Heather Matarazzo, Bijou Phillips, Richard Burgi, Vera Jordanova, Jay Hernandez, Jordan Ladd, Edwige Fenech

Runtime: 1h 33m

Category: Torture

Synopsis: More or less the same story as the last movie. After the events of the first Hostel (2005), the Elite Hunting Organization not only finishes off any escapees, but continues with business as usual. Hostel: Part II (2007) is the story of three friends on vacation in Europe (Lorna, Beth, and Whitney), and two friends, Todd and Stuart, who hope to have the experience of a lifetime with Elite Hunting.

When the girls hook up with a model from their art class who tells them of great hot springs in Slovakia, the girls opt to go. Soon after they arrive the girls start to disappear one by one. At the same time, Todd and Stuart arrive in Slovakia and start their initiation process into Elite Hunting. All of this leads to a confrontation that will determine who comes out of Elite Hunting a hunter…and who comes out the hunted.

Review: Visually this was as good a movie as the first one. But it seems as though story-wise Hostel: Part II (2007) left a lot to be desired. All the stories together gave you nothing but…story. I thought this was supposed to be a story about death. I was expecting to see one of the sickest, most violent films this year, and I was left with minimal blood and gore, and unfinished storylines. In the beginning it started off promising with Paxton having nightmares about his experiences, and coming to find out he’s in hiding…because the organization let’s no one escape. After this, the story goes into the same tripe about stupid, young tourists who get tricked into going to the same hostelry, then mysteriously disappear. Only this time, we get another story about two new hunters, and an introduction to the leader of Elite Hunting.

The story of the new hunters (Todd and Stuart) is full of excitement and anticipation, but little else. And the owner of Elite Hunting gave the viewer nothing but and introduction, and the only reason for him being in the movie in the first place. Very little left me excited during the movie, except to wait and see the ending that was supposed to be the sickest ending ever.

After everything was said and done, we find out that Beth is incredibly rich and tries to buy her life back. She finds out that in order for her to leave…someone has to die. So she cuts off Stuart’s penis, feeds it to the dog, and walks out of the room. After her first murder, she gets her initiation into the organization, and proceeds to purchase the young model who set her and her friends up. She then chops off the girl’s head and lets the child-gang that works for the organization play kickball with the decapitated head. Very hilarious.

Rating: 12. I really don’t know what to say! Cage can vouch for me when I say that being left speechless is unusual for me, but Hostel: Part II (2007) left me highly disappointed. Not much death, just a lot of blood thrown around in hopes that no one noticed how much the story lacked body. It was just a rehash of the first story, just changing the lead characters from men to women. I was even shocked to find less nudity than the last movie. This was three storylines that added up to nothing but an incomplete movie. The writers should have tapped into the histories of torture and murder, and the ways to kill people, and come up with more visually powerful ways to keep people like me interested in watching this movie.

Personally, I was as bored with this movie as if I was watching Steel Magnolias…wow…I don’t even believe I compared those two films. (12of25).

Pan's Labyrinth (2006)

2007-07-30T06:10:00.001-07:00

Director: Guillermo del Toro

Writer: Guillermo del Toro

Tagline: Innocence Has A Power Evil Cannot Imagine.

Actors: Ivana Baquero, Sergi López, Maribel Verdú, Doug Jones, Ariadna Gil, Álex Angulo, Manolo Solo, César Vea, Roger Casamajor

Runtime: 1h 59m

Category: Fantasy, Thriller

Synopsis: Ofelia and her mother Carmen are traveling to a military establishment out in the country. They are to live there with Carmen’s husband Capitán Vidal, Ofelia’s stepfather. Carmen is pregnant with a son and is becoming ill. They stop briefly on the way to the outpost and Ofelia finds a “fairy”. It follows her to the compound and leads her to the mouth of a great stone labyrinth. Later that night, the fairy leads her through the maze to a circular opening in the ground. She travels down and meets a faun. The faun tells her of a great, almost mythical underworld civilization of which she is the princess of. He instructs her that she must complete three tasks before she can reoccupy her throne. In the midst of her tasks, Capitán Vidal and his army have been battling a small group of gorilla terrorists that, in his mind, threaten the civility of Spain. The two stories collide at a final, life-threatening decision that Ofelia must make: save her baby brother…or save herself!

Review: I have been looking forward to this movie for some time now, and I have to tell you…I was not disappointed! I was expecting an interesting story dumb-down by copious amounts of CGI characters. Fortunately I was mislead. I have been told many good things about this flick and wasn’t really sure what to believe…or expect. But after watching this movie I finally understood what all the fuss was about.

The story is the most compelling part of the movie. It follows two separate stories that intermingle at random and hold a sense of tension all their own. I was hoping for more insight into the underworld and its inhabitants, but I guess you can’t have everything. Unfortunately, I do not really see where this constitutes a horror label but I have seen it on a number of other horror sites and decided to give it a go. Trust me, you will not be disappointed with this movie; with an interesting story and really cool cinematics, you’ll be sure to love it…or hate it.

The acting was very, very good. Each character was compelling in their own right and was cast perfectly; Capitán Vidal was the villain you love to hate, Ofelia was the innocent child in search of a destiny, Mercedes was a women torn between helping her brother and staying close to the captain, and Carmen was the medically-challenged mother of an overbearing husband. Then, the creatures were another matter unto themselves; the faun as a muse and elder of the underworld, the fairies as guides who hold conscience to par, and the thing in the wall that eats anything. Each one was excellent.

The effects were terrific. The make-up and prosthetics of professional caliber and were convincing enough. The faun’s movements and facial expressions were wonderful, mostly because they were animatronic. If they would have been CGI, it would have sucked. Even the thing in the wall was wicked awesome. Its movements and mannerisms were beautifully done and masterfully executed. I actually have nothing bad to say about this section.

Rating: 18. I wanted so much more of the underworld and so much less of the military. I wish they would have done more with the creatures of the underworld…like show them. There were only, what, four characters; the faun, the thing in the wall, the toad, and the fairies. I was aching for more the whole time, especially after the faun yelled at Ofelia and left. I mean, come on…give us more! Great flick…though…not really horror. Great all the same. (18of25).

Devil’s Trade - 102 - Premonition

2007-07-30T06:09:00.000-07:00

Director: Toby Wilkins

Writer: Ben Ketai

Tagline: [None Yet]

Actors: Ed Canossa, Ginny Weirick, Michael Conti

Original Air Date: June 13, 2007

Runtime: 3m 37s

Category: Curse

Synopsis: Continuing after the events of the first episode, Anna and Jim are canoodling on a bed when she hears a noise coming from Darren’s room. Knowing that he is at school, she goes up to his room to investigate. She finds him hanging lifeless from a hangman’s noose! Running over to prop him up, she calls out to Jim for help. But when Jim enters the room, Anna isn’t holding anything! Just then she gets a phone call from Darren. He tells her that he had a similar experience in the bathroom at school. She hangs up the phone and heads out the door to go pick him up.

Review: Not a big episode but definitely important. This episode is showing that the curse is affecting Darren and his sister together and separately. Also, it is showing Jim’s reactions to Anna’s new found “weirdness”…wonder what’s gonna happen there. Either way, I think when this series is done, it’s gonna be tats.

Rating: 17. It was definitely suspenseful and compelling…obviously leaving me enraged when it ended. But overall it was a good continuation of the first episode…hope to see more next time. (17of25).

View Episode.

Hellraiser: Deader (2005)

2007-07-30T06:08:00.002-07:00

Director: Rick Bota

Writer: Clive Barker, Neal Marshall Stevens, Tim Day

Tagline: The Latest. Most Terrifying Evil.

Actors: Kari Wuhrer, Paul Rhys, Simon Kunz, Marc Warren, Georgina Rylance, Doug Bradley, Ionut Chermenski

Runtime: 1h 28m

Category: Psychological, Supernatural, Thriller

Synopsis: Amy Klein is a star reporter for the London Underground newspaper. Her boss has received a tape of a group of cultists supposedly bringing people back from the dead. He sends her to Burcharest, Germany to investigate and get the story. She discovers that the girl who sent the tape is dead and pries the puzzle box from her cold, dead fingers. Later in her hotel room, Amy opens the puzzle box and releases the Deadites. The rest of her journey is more of a horrific nightmare than an investigation. Ultimately becoming one of the “deaders”, she soon realizes just how important she is…and where her destiny truly lies.

Review: There just aren’t words. I had to put aside my better judgment and watch this movie. Mainly so I can finally finish this damn series; of which has gotten so drawn-out it lacks description. I am getting very tired of other directors trying to cash-in on the Hellraiser success by putting together debacles like this. This is not going to be good…

The story was really, really loose. It was somewhat confusing and had almost nothing to do with Hellraiser at all. The only thing in the movie that pertained to the original stories was the Deadites. And even that was underplayed. Plus, the story really didn’t make much sense. Some guy has figured out how to become dead without being dead…or alive? Come on…that’s so gay! It’s gayer than gay. It has a gayosity that is beyond gayness. And then, it wasn’t even explained properly; Pinhead just kinda shows up out of nowhere and kills the leader of the deaders, giving almost no reasonable explanation as to the purpose of his little visit. They should have stopped a long time ago.

The acting was not all that bad. I began to care less and less about the acting ability, or lack thereof, and began to focus more on what two people Kari Wuhrer reminded me of. I came to the conclusion that she is the adorable bastard child of Ashley Judd and Angelina Jolie. The rest of the acting was just blah. But Kari Wuhrer did an excellent job; she played her character very well, convincing me of her every emotion.

The gore and effects, apart from the end scene, were boring and elementary. This is a new low for the Hellraiser series; less gore…more boobs. I was disappointed, just like most of the others. I thought that the blood looked real enough and its use was well executed, but you can’t have a Hellraiser flick without the trademark torture. I couldn’t even categorize it as torture this time…sad…just sad.

Rating: 6. Story sucked, acting was simple and child-like (except for Kari Wuhrer), and the gore was minimal. Taking into account that this is part of a lineage of bloody, gory, torture movies, it was a major disappointment. I would not advise anyone to see this movie; as a Hellraiser or otherwise. (6of25).

***DO NOT***
***WATCH THIS MOVIE***

Barricade (2007)

2007-07-30T06:08:00.001-07:00

FINALLY!!!

Director: Timo Rose

Writer: Timo Rose, Ted Geoghegan

Tagline: Welcome to Hell.

Actors: Raine Brown, Joe Zaso, André Reissig, Manoush, Thomas Kercmar, Timo Rose, Andreas Pape, Sebastian Gutsche, Tanja Karius, Ellen Tanumihardja, Dirk Glücks

Runtime: 1h 30m

Category: Cannibal, German, Slasher

Synopsis: A cannibalistic family has been terrorizing the Black Forest of Germany for many, many years. Picking off random campers, tourists, sightseers, and swimmers alike, they have managed to cultivate a rumor that can only be described as legend. But when Michael, David, and Nina, Michael’s friend from the States, decide to go camping…it’s a whole different story! Attacked during the daytime, Michael is taken back to the family’s cabin and prepped for “processing”. Nina shows up and frees him, but not before being seen by the grotesque-looking cannibals. A final showdown occurs ranging from inside the cabin to way out in the woods with an ending that will leave you speechless!

Review: After many months of trying to find this movie, and many failed attempts, I have finally acquired the actual film without the director’s commentary over the audio (yeah, I was surprised too). I had almost given up trying to find this movie but my sources had told me wonderful things about it; so I pressed on. Eventually finding it on LeechMe, I was ecstatic beyond mortal comprehension (see, there’s a good reason my wife hates this stuff). Upon finally viewing the movie, these are my thoughts…

The story was not as horrible as I had originally thought. From what I was told by some inside sources that can not be corroborated in any way shape or form (so don’t ask), this movie was supposed to have spent their entire budget on blood and effects; leaving the story and script on a meathook (yes, that’s a reference to another movie). But from what I saw, the story wasn’t that bad; kind of a mix between Wrong Turn (2003) and The Hills Have Eyes (2006). The story is basically what was said in the synopsis; obviously with a bit more girth.

The acting was probably the one thing that hurt this movie the most (apart from the script…which I have plans to hurt). I have seen Zaso in other films and do not particularly care for his campy acting style. I mean, Bruce Campbell is campy, but he is funny too; and he can play a great serious character. That kind of versatility is mandatory in a movie like this. And on top of that, Zaso is quite the well-built statuesque and got his ass beat throughout the last half of the movie! Brown had to come in and put the smackdown on those cannies (I am coining this word!) while Zaso just stood there looking dumb. I think that the allegations of this movie worrying only about gore are starting to be quite true.

The script was…God-awful. None of the characters had any depth, the lines were easier than Paris Hilton, and the conversations were elementary. I have not seen such a horrible script in a very long time…probably since Flesh for the Beast (2003) (of which I’m still sorry about Ty). I do not mean to offend the director or the writes or anyone, but please take this as far up your hole as you can…this script was shit! Even the dubbing was off!

Now it’s time for the major part of the movie and, obviously, my favorite. The gore! Yippee! First I would like to say that I have never seen such caliber and attention to detail than the FX team, and of Rose himself, on this movie. This is by far the bloodiest, goriest, most disgusting and gut-wrenching movie ever made. If I could be so bold to say, this may beat out Faces of Death (of which will not be appearing anywhere on this site…sorry). That is a remarkable statement, I know, but you will never understand until you see the movie itself. It’s almost like Hell itself opened up and let loose an onslaught of the most horrifying atrocities the world has ever seen. Better than Hellraiser (1987), better than Saw (2004); this movie should be accounted as the bloodiest, and goriest movie of the century!

Rating: Taking into account the lame acting and the equally as atrocious script, this film would have received a very poor rating. But, seeing as how the story was actually pretty solid, and the FX (blood, gore, etc.) were so far beyond spectacular that it almost defies description, I have to weigh it out. So…being fair…17. It hurts me to do that to a movie I loved so much, but I remain objective. If you haven’t seen this movie and you’re a big fan of gory movies…find this one. Contact me if you are having trouble finding it and I can help you, I don’t mind. So...with a similar storyline to The Hills Have Eyes (2006), I would say that if you liked that movie but wanted more gore and didn’t care about the acting…than this is the movie for you! (17of25).

Return in Red (2007)

2007-07-30T06:07:00.002-07:00

Director: Tyler Tharpe

Writer: Tyler Tharpe

Tagline: Scream all you want. No one will hear.

Actors: J.J. Huckin, Amy Paliganoff, Michael Ray Reed, Keelan Rushing, Linda McCormick, Becky Niccum, Michael G. Young, David Tess, Mary Atkins, Kate Black

Runtime: 1h 42m

Category: Psychological, Thriller

Synopsis: It has been documented by the government that prolonged exposure to high levels of electromagnetic concentration could cause mental instability in the human brain. But nobody really paid this information any mind. A small rural town becomes subject to a suspicious-looking van wandering about and emitting massive amounts of electromagnetic fields. Those who are targeted become disoriented and in extreme cases end up killing themselves…or others! After a final showdown at the local factory, the van disappears; and those who survived are left to pick up the pieces of their now shattered lives.

Review: This movie sucked balls. It could have been so, SO much better. I understand that Tharpe was going for the “conspiracy theory” paranoia factor…but come on! This movie follows a small town riddled with hicks who become a “government experiment”. The “government” has been “experimenting” with “electromagnetism” since the reign of Jimmy Carter. The reason I used so many quotes in that last sentence is because all of that information is implied…and not real…according to our government (or so they tell us, but when has government ever known what’s good for us?). Thus, a mysterious van drives around pointing a satellite at people and electromagnitizing (not a real word) them until they go completely nuts-o. That’s the whole story in a nutshell.

The acting was lame and…well…hickish. So, I guess the acting was good…good enough to convince me that this town is swarming with artards. Even the part I actually liked didn’t have that good of acting in it.

The effects were miniscule apart from the end factory scene. That whole scene could have been a short film and I would have loved it! That head impalement was so well done I think I head Tom Savini whimper. Apart from that…nothin’.

Rating: 8. I gotta give this flick some mad, dope, fat, whack, bomb, shit props for the wicked awesome head impalement and the chilling thought of, “Is our government actually doing crap like this?” Even though there was an impending sense of doom throughout the movie…it did not deliver on time…any time…or at all. This movie, apart from some select scenes and concepts, was just simply boring. All build-up and a climax that made no sense of the story. I cannot explain in words how disappointed I was with this movie. Horrible…just horrible. (8of25).