Blood Relic (2005)

Director: J. Christian Ingvordsen

Writer: Matthew M. Howe, J. Christian Ingvordsen

Tagline: Voodoo Curse Has Been Unleashed... Again!

Actors: Billy Drago, Joshua Park, Jennifer Lauren Grant, Debbie Rochon, Kelly Ray, Jon Christian, Caitlin Sabins, Meyer DeLeeuw, Jesse Steccato, Melanie Rademaker Lawrence Starr

Runtime: 1h 26m

Category: Curse, Possession, Voodoo

Synopsis: Blood Relic (2005) begins in 1983 when a fighter pilot discovers an artifact that unleashes an evil force that makes him go on a killing spree at the naval base where he works. He is arrested for his crimes, but not before stashing the artifact in one of the base's hangars. Fast forward to 2005 and that hangar is now about to be turned into an aviation museum, but the Pilot, newly released from the slammer, wants to get back and reclaim the object -- an act that could unleash a whole new wave of terror. It’s up to a group of college students working to get the museum ready to open, who sneak into the hanger after hours to party (of course), to stop the evil force before they are all dead.

Review: I have learned that when you watch a low budget movie you can’t have expectations. If you do, most of the time you will be very disappointed. This would have been the case if I had thought that this flaming turd of a movie would be anything but that. Everyone in this movie acts freakin’ retarded. See, I love so many different things about movies, but when a crappy movie takes itself seriously, I just cringe.

Well, where do I begin, here is a list of the things this movie had (yes, this is my pro and con list):

• Cheap sets: ☑
  
• Bad acting: ☑
  
• Unnecessary nudity: ☑☑ (get it…two boobs…double check…never mind if I have to explain it, you are never getting into MENSA)
  
• Bad death scenes: ☑

Ok so now that we know that this is a typical B-horror movie lets move on. Did you ever notice that in lower budget movies that there always seems to be more nudity, and you can’t seem to figure out why it made sense to have it in there, except that its nudity so it just works? Well this was no exception. The nudity was unnecessary, not because it wasn’t needed to fill the gaping shit storm that was the movie but because if you are going to have boobs in a movie, make sure they don’t suck. Bad boobs are still boobs I agree, but I don’t need you playing poker topless just to show them. Show them while someone is trying to kill you and you are running. Or while you are doing “it”, but since your boobs suck you probably are not doing “it” so you are stuck playing strip poker with the chick with an A-cup and three-inch long nipples, the chick with a droopy pair of double-Ds and the chick that has the weird banana tits.

Anyway, that was my biggest issue with this movie. Sure the plot was sloppy and lame and the acting sucked and the characters all hooked up like it was spring break, but at freakin’ work. There was no character development so I didn’t have the mental capacity to give a shit if they died or not. Bad move when you want some random viewer to get sucked into the story. But overall I’ve seen much worse, and without boobs in it as well. The gore was sub par as well.

Rating: 13. There needs to be a Feng Shui balance of boobs and gore in B movies. This was off. While it is not the worst film I’ve seen it still wasn’t worth the hour and a half I spent of my life watching it. I could have been, well, watching something else. (13of25).