Malevolence (2004)

Director: Stevan Mena

Writer: Stevan Mena

Tagline: No one gets out alive…

Actors: Samantha Dark, R. Brandon Johnson, Heather Magee, Richard Glover, Courtney Bertolone, John Richard Ingram, Keith Chambers, Kevin McKelvey, Lenn Gross, Pamela Marie Guida, Mia Lotringer, Stevan Mena

Runtime: 1h 30m

Category: Slasher

Synopsis: In 1989, Martin Bristol was kidnapped from his front yard…he was never found. Today, a group of bank robbers are on the run after a robbery goes wrong. Opting to split up and meet later, one of the robbers carjacks and kidnaps a mother and her daughter, while the others bury one of the other members after he’s shot during the robbery. By the time the last two arrive at the abandoned home, all they find is a bag of money and the mother. Unknown to everyone, they’ve stepped onto Martin’s hunting ground. Searching for a way out, the remaining victims find another home and a diary belonging to the man who kidnapped Martin ten years earlier, in an attempt to train a new partner, only to have his protégé kill him instead. Can anyone survive Martin’s murderous rampage? Can he be stopped?

Review: Oh God I think I died a little. Malevolence (2004) just gave me testicular cancer. I’m really beginning to wonder if anyone tests these films before they release them to the masses. I swear, there must be an old guy somewhere hooked up to life-support with billions of dollars who just signs checks and stays drugged up.

I got tricked into seeing this piece of garbage by a friend who claimed this movie was the scariest movie ever…I was bamboozled, hoodwinked…the script was placid! The acting was C-rate and the way it looked visually reminded me of the first Friday the 13th (1980) (and that’s not saying much visually).

Throughout the film, when I was supposed to feel fear and suspense, I felt…sleepy…bored…how the hell does that happen?!? Even the ominous background music was boring as hell. The blood and gore were minimal and weak. It seems as though the writer/director was inspired by early slasher flicks, but didn’t know how to do it right.

There was a point while watching this—dare I say it—“film”, that I thought, “Wow! This asshole’s gonna get ‘done in’ early”…but noooo! The little brat knocks him out with a bat then proceeds to white-chick it and drop the bat and run. Why not take the other road and work on her batting average and work his head over a bit (it’s what I would have done).
I mean c’mon, how scary could this guy really be? He moved slow, he was probably emotionally stunted, and he wore overalls and a sheet over his head. That doesn’t spell scary, people, that spells R-E-D-N-E-C-K! Spelling lesson over…class dismissed! I’m going to watch Happy Tree Friends…at least that will give me nightmares!

Rating: 0. I wanted to do the review for this movie just to warn people to stay away! Go see something worth your time…watch grass grow (it’ll be more fun). Watching Malevolence (2004) was like getting the worst side-effects of most prescription drugs. I lost twenty percent brain function and gained a low sperm count from watching this…I feel stupid now. (0of25).