Unholy (2007)

Director: Daryl Goldberg

Writer: Sam Freeman, Daryl Goldberg

Tagline: They Know Who You Are.

Actors: Adrienne Barbeau, Nicholas Brendon, Siri Baruc, Richard Ziman, Cheyenne Casebier, Merwin Goldsmith, Susan Willis, Sean Bennett Geoghan, Joseph McKenna, Ron Patrick

Runtime: 1h 27m

Category: Thriller

Synopsis: After the unexpected suicide of her daughter, Martha and her son Lucas set out to unravel the mysterious happenings in their lives. A neighbor fills them in on a local legend named Lester Crouse, who was supposed to be the most infamous cultist of all time. It has been said that while working for Hitler, Crouse was experimenting on unwilling subjects in The Unholy Trinity (not to be confused with our definition): Time Travel, Invisibility, and Mind Control. The experiments are said to have continued throughout the years, even after the death of Crouse himself. But who could be running these horrible experiments? The government? Corporations? A rouge Nazi group? The answer will leave you speechless!

Review: I didn’t have any real hopes for this flick going into it. I had a slight idea of what it was about but was confused just by the description I read. Coming out as an independent horror movie with one of the sweetest cover arts I’ve ever seen lead me to want to love this movie. But…sigh…I didn’t. Not only did this movie make little to no sense, it made me feel stupid just watching it. I gotta say…Daryl, don’t quit your day-job.

The story was not too bad at first. It was compelling and intense; but about a quarter of the way through it started to make less sense than Anna Nicole’s speech pattern. I think that the writer tried way, way too hard to make a great idea into a movie. That being said, the concept was actually decent. I liked the idea behind the movie but the approach was just not right. There was just too much story for eighty-seven minutes! Not only that, some of it didn’t even make sense; like, what the hell was up with the whole torture thing? This crazy, Nazi, experimenter-guy tortures people then experiments on them? Or visa versa? Give me something to work with! There was absolutely no connection between the torture and the experiment…none. Thanks Daryl…you’ve destroyed a terrific idea…ass.

The acting was not too bad, probably the only thing about this movie I can’t really complain about. I did notice that Nicholas Brendon is still stuck in his Xander role from that insufferable Buffy show…good for you…you are living proof against evolution. But the acting wasn’t bad, just average. I will say though, it is always nice to see the lovely Cheyenne Casebier…so hot!

The gore and effects looked like something out of a video game. The “time rifts” or “ripples” or whatever the hell you want to call them, looked like some kind of CGI overlay; like it wasn’t even supposed to be part of the final cut. I think if they would have made it look more like the quicksand from Jumanji (1995) it would have been more convincing. Speaking of convincing…how about that gore, huh? Wow, such…uh…talent? Please. I’ve seen scarier things come out of my butt! Just a major load of, well, crap (no pun intended).

Rating: If I had to rate this steamer, which I do, I should give it the finger! But, since I’m objective, and slightly reactive, I have to be fair…no matter how much it hurts. Thus…10. This would have been a phenomenal movie if it would have been presented better. I loved that the movie ended where it started, that was dope, but the basic story was one of the only things that captured me. The other was the old news reels playing during the ending credits; that shut creeped me out and left a very rotten feeling in my gut. I liked the loop idea for the time travel but that was about it. I needed to be sold a horror movie and what I got was almost an hour and a half of a numb crack. Thanks Daryl, my ass is numb…happy now? Ass… (10of25).