Director: Uwe Boll
Writer: Elan Mastai, Michael Roesch, Peter Scheerer
Tagline: Evil awakens.
Actors: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, Frank C. Turner, Matthew Walker, Will Sanderson, Mark Acheson, Darren Shahlavi
Runtime: 1h 36m
Category: Creature, Thriller, Video Game
Synopsis: Edward Carnby is one of a group of children who were experimented on when they were children at an orphanage. Today, he is a detective for a kind of “paranormal police” task force trained to handle…well, the paranormal. He and his estranged girlfriend end up uncovering a mysterious secret that is thousands of years old…maybe older. With the evil Professor Hudgens trying to bring back whatever evil lie behind door number one, Carnby, his girl, and the wicked awesome Commander Burke, must fight their way out of a very hostile situation to survive. But can they keep an ancient evil from pouring into our time?
Review: I had some high hopes for this flick, but once I saw that Uwe Boll directed this abomination, my hopes withered faster than a Michael Richards’ career. Stop laughing…it’s not funny. One of the people on IMDb said something that sums it up perfectly, “I went on a quest for the worst movie ever made that had a high budget, and it has been discovered.” I think that says it all…
I thought that the story was actually not half bad. It obviously could have been better, but for the sake of argument let’s just leave it at that. It seemed like a solid concept, almost Hellboy (2004)-like in a way. I didn’t think that someone could take a seemingly “ok” idea and turn it into a complete and utter debacle. I’m truly amazed and am saddened to think that this is where our cinema might be headed…even though it was almost over two years ago.
The acting was laughable overall, except for Stephen Dorff. I don’t much care for Christian Slater or his “I’m better than you” attitude. I really don’t care for Tara Reid. If I had to listen to her tell the rest of the cast that something was Abskani, I was gonna punch a midget (btw…the Abskani are the ancient people who first discovered the ancient evil…convenient, eh?). How many times can she tell us that something is Abskani? Was that the basis of her character? Was that all she knew how to say? If I had my druthers I would lock her in a room with a bunch of Mexican midgets for the rest of her unnatural life. Or we could just force her to wear a muzzle all the time and not allow her to hurt anyone else with her…uh…acting abilities. Damn! I almost shot orange juice out of my nose cuz I was laughing at the fact that I said that Tara Reid had acting ability. Have you ever had orange juice come out of your nose before? It hurts so bad. Anyway, I digress yet again.
The effects were not the worst part of the movie. I thought that the creatures in it were actually pretty cool, if they wouldn’t have been obvious plays off of Hellboy (2004)’s Samiel and the creatures from The Cave (2005). I liked them even though they were ripped off…I’m a sucker for cool creature effects. But that is the only thing to mention here so I’m just gonna wrap things up.
Rating: 6. The only reason I gave it any rating was because I love Stephen Dorff, the creatures were pretty cool, and, I’m sorry, I would tear Tara Reid apart. She’s not the kind of chick you take home to the folks, she’s the kind of chick you hogtie in your basement and keep for those lonely nights where all you wanna do is smack a bitch (that’s literal and an innuendo…in your end-o…in her end-o, booyah! I got a book comin’ out). That’s pretty much it…this movie sucked midget balls! (6of25).
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