Grindhouse (2007) Previews: Argument I

Machete

[No Poster Art Available]

Director: Robert Rodriguez

Writer: Robert Rodriguez

Tagline: When you hire Machete to kill the bad guy, you better make damn sure the bad guy isn’t you!

Actors: Danny Trejo, Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey

Category: Revenge

Synopsis: Hired to kill the new Senator because of new deportation laws, and promised $150,000 cash, a Mexican day-laborer is set up, double-crossed and left for dead. After surviving, he contacts his brother (the priest) and starts on his bloody rampage and explosive path of revenge.

Review: I love the idea behind this movie! This is the perfect Danny Trejo vehicle. The face, the tattoos; Trejo looks like he could actually be named “Machete”. The involvement of Cheech Marin invokes just the right amout of comic relief for this type of film. From just this short preview you get the sense of the excitement that’s involved in this movie. Even though this movie doesn’t exist after the preview, you’ll damn well wish it did!

Trejo Bitches…Booyah!

Rating: 25. These days action movies get repetitive and boring; but not this one. It's Danny f'n Trejo people...anything less than a 25 would've been a crime against violent movies!!! How can you not love anything captain stoneface does...I'm betting he scares the shit outta his girlfriend when she wakes up in the morning, so just imagine how regular moviegoers feel when he's on the screen. Then, you have Cheech Marin...I mean come on, when is something with Cheech Marin not good? The guy is a legend and worth his weight in gold! This movie has everything you need for mindless fun...girls, motorcycles, explosions…did I say girls...naked girls!!!!! And machetes. What more do you need...don't disagree with me monkeys. You know I'm right. Learn to love it. (25of25).

Werewolf Women of the SS

[No Poster Art Available]

Director: Rob Zombie

Writer: Rob Zombie

Tagline: You Have Been Chosen…

Actors: Nicolas Cage, Udo Kier, Sheri Moon, Tom Towles, Sybil Danning, Bill Moseley, Andrew Martin, Vladimir Kozlov, Olja Hrustic, Meriah Nelson, Lorelle New

Category: War, Werewolf

Synopsis: This is a film about Hitler’s experiments at Death Camp 13, involving the She-Devils of Belzac, to create a race of super-werewolf soldiers.

Review: Seeing as though the previews will never see the light of day as movies, the directors just cut loose and had tons of fun. With Rob Zombie directing, cutting loose means lots of blood and violence and monsters. Anything involving Rob Zombie, no matter how over the top or ridiculous, I’d probably see twice.

Rating: 23. It’s a Rob Freakin’ Zombie movie! How can you not wanna see it? He always finds a spot for the delicious Sherry Moon, no matter what he’s doing. 23 is my ruling and anyone who has a problem with it can come see me personally. (23of25).

Don’t

[No Poster Art Available]

Director: Edgar Wright

Writer: Edgar Wright

Tagline: If You’re Thinking About [Fill In The Blank]…Don’t!

Actors: Jason Isaacs, Matthew MacFadyen, Katie Melua, Georgina Chapman, Emily Booth, Stuart Wilson, Lucy Punch, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, MyAnna Buring, Rafe Spall, Kevin Wilson, Nick Wilson, Will Arnett

Category: Spoof

Synopsis: This was just a joke preview of reasons to not do things that get the actors killed during horror movies.

Review: I don’t really know what to say about this preview. It was just filled with “Don’t”. No real story, plot, or subject…just…”Don’t”.

Rating: 2. If some idiot director actually made this movie and released it, and people actually paid real money to see it, I’d not only mock you relentlessly, I’d make it my life’s mission to hunt each person down and laugh in their faces. (2of25).

Thanksgiving

[No Poster Art Available]

Director: Eli Roth

Writer: Eli Roth

Tagline: This Holiday Season, Prepare To Have The Stuffing Scared Out Of You

Actors: Jeff Rendell, Liliya Malkina, Kevin Wasner, Mike McCarty, Michael Biehn, Mark Bakunas, The Klando Majorettes, Vendula Kristek, Petr Vancura, Jordan Ladd, Eli Roth, Jay Hernandez, Dan Frisch, Chris Briggs, Karel Vanásek, Katherin-Ellen Zabehlicky

Category: Comedy, Slasher

Synopsis: Every year on the 4th Thursday of November, the town of Plymouth, Massachusetts celebrates Thanksgiving. This year an uninvited guest has arrived…and there will be no leftovers!

Review: Gotta love Eli Roth! This would be the perfect movie for fans of slasher movies during the Thanksgiving season. It has everything you need to enjoy yourself; humor, murder, suspense. As I’ve said time and time again, it’s a shame these are just joke previews. I’m hoping for more from Grindhouse in the future.

Rating: 20. Simply put…I like Eli Roth! This was a short preview; not much body. But it was enough to keep me laughing all the way through. (20of25).