Grindhouse (2007) Previews: Argument II

Machete

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Director: Robert Rodriguez

Writer: Robert Rodriguez

Tagline: When you hire Machete to kill the bad guy, you better make damn sure the bad guy isn’t you!

Actors: Danny Trejo, Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey

Category: Revenge

Synopsis: Hired to kill the new Senator because of new deportation laws, and promised $150,000 cash, a Mexican day-laborer is set up, double-crossed and left for dead. After surviving, he contacts his brother (the priest) and starts on his bloody rampage and explosive path of revenge.

Review: This preview made me smile. I agree once more, and maybe the last time during this set of reviews, with Big Daddy. Trejo fits this character to a tee. And I believe that the mind of Rodriguez would be wonderful for this flick (if it were to ever be produced). Mixing cool explosions and a machete-wielding, revenge-bent, psycho-Mexican is just the angle Trejo deserves…and Rodriguez is director…I love it!

The story-line seems solid enough; almost The Bourne Identity (2002) feeling. Not that that’s bad in any way, on the contrary, that story was solid and I believe that this story would be as solid if not just below. I think that this preview may be a peek of an actual movie coming some time in the future.

Rating: 24. As a preview I thought that it would do great justice for an actual in-the-making movie. Not too much story to give anything away but not enough gore. I was hoping for a little more “chopping” with the machete but I can’t really knock it too much. (24of25).

Werewolf Women of the SS

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Director: Rob Zombie

Writer: Rob Zombie

Tagline: You Have Been Chosen…

Actors: Nicolas Cage, Udo Kier, Sheri Moon, Tom Towles, Sybil Danning, Bill Moseley, Andrew Martin, Vladimir Kozlov, Olja Hrustic, Meriah Nelson, Lorelle New

Category: War, Werewolf

Synopsis: This is a film about Hitler’s experiments at Death Camp 13, involving the She-Devils of Belzac, to create a race of super-werewolf soldiers.

Review: Even though I like and respect the Zombie, I have to say that this is a bit low for him. I enjoy his sick sense of cinematography and wonderful thought process but I never would have guessed that he would take on a historically based (however loose) concept and throw in some one as lucrative as Nicolas Cage as a character as out of place as Fu Manchu! I’m not saying that this movie wouldn’t be a hit, but it just doesn’t seem like Zombie’s style; it seems almost satirical. But if anyone can pull it off…it’s him.

I do not think that the preview could have done an actual movie any justice. As in Machete, it would have been a great movie though. I also believe that this “movie” would have great potential for a nice set of gory, cheap-looking werewolves. Bring on the wolves!

Rating: 13. I like the concept but didn’t like the preview. It had no substance and no information. It looked like the werewolves had risen and taken over but no explanation as to why. I know that werewolves do not need a reason to rip out your jugular vein and nibble on it like a chew toy, but in this case I would have liked to get a bit more info. Not a bad preview, but it could have given a little more to peak my interest, instead of leaving me with a damn complex. (13of25).

Don’t

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Director: Edgar Wright

Writer: Edgar Wright

Tagline: If You’re Thinking About [Fill In The Blank]…Don’t!

Actors: Jason Isaacs, Matthew MacFadyen, Katie Melua, Georgina Chapman, Emily Booth, Stuart Wilson, Lucy Punch, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, MyAnna Buring, Rafe Spall, Kevin Wilson, Nick Wilson, Will Arnett

Category: Spoof

Synopsis: This preview is about everything you should NOT do when in a precarious situation. Basically, each action you are told not to do is the catalyst for the body of every horror movie.

Review: Even though the preview was, ironically enough, uninformative, it did seem to be gory and sick. But we will never know because it will never be made. Even if some one wanted to make it they couldn’t. Because if in every horror movie that one dumb kid doesn’t do that one thing that sets the rest of the movie into motion, there is no movie. Simply put, if this movie were made, it would be like, fifteen minutes long…maybe thirty, depending on the weight of the story.

Rating: 12. I rate it higher than Big Daddy because I think he may have taken it out of context. Even though he did mention it was a joke, I don’t think he wrote his review as such. The concept of the preview is something I had been contemplating for years: what if that one action that set the rest of the movie in action never happened? What if everyone knew what NOT to do to set a rampaging psycho-killer after you and your party? But like I said before…there would be no movie. (12of25).

Thanksgiving

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Director: Eli Roth

Writer: Eli Roth

Tagline: This Holiday Season, Prepare To Have The Stuffing Scared Out Of You

Actors: Jeff Rendell, Liliya Malkina, Kevin Wasner, Mike McCarty, Michael Biehn, Mark Bakunas, The Klando Majorettes, Vendula Kristek, Petr Vancura, Jordan Ladd, Eli Roth, Jay Hernandez, Dan Frisch, Chris Briggs, Karel Vanásek, Katherin-Ellen Zabehlicky

Category: Comedy, Slasher

Synopsis: Every year on the 4th Thursday of November, the town of Plymouth, Massachusetts celebrates Thanksgiving. This year an uninvited guest has arrived…and there will be no leftovers!

Review: Wow. Uh…wow. When will we stop with the holiday massacre movies. We’ve got Christmas, Halloween, Valentine’s Day, April Fools Day, etc., etc. Now Thanksgiving?

But I must say that this preview was absolutely awesome! I love Eli Roth and his demented thinking. Only Eli Roth would turn the one holiday were we come together as families and enjoy each other’s company, into bloody carnage. The gore was wicked and the kill scenes were hilarious. I would definitely see this movie!

Rating: 22. I wanted more! Just a simple cut ‘em up and carve ‘em movie. Bones, guts, and body parts strewn about in a festive manor makes me giggle like a horny school girl. Eli, if for some reason you actually read this…please make this movie. (22of25).