Andre the Butcher (2005)

Director: Philip Cruz

Writer: Philip Cruz, James Hyde

Tagline: Dead Meat. It's what's for dinner.

Actors: April Billingsley, Maury Sterling, Heather Joy Budner, Justin Capaz, Terry Mross, Ron Jeremy, Faye Canada, Elizabeth Mullins, Gene Nash, Alan Fessenden, Kevin Campbell, Miranda

Runtime: 1h 27m

Category: Comedy, Religious, Slasher

Synopsis: A cheerleading team is heading to nationals to show their stuff and get sidetracked when their car crashes. Walking along country roads, they eventually find a house to stop at to ask for a phone, but no one is home. They let themselves in and relax as if it was their own homes having no idea that they are in the home of the infamous Andre the Butcher. They are soon joined by two escaped convicts and a dirty sheriff. As Andre shows them the error of their ways they are dropping dead one at a time. Will anyone be without sin and survive?

Review: This movie was as brutally bad as it was hilarious. The cheerleading team was four people; three girls and one guy. It was very stereotypical of them to have the church girl with lesbian tendencies, the slut who need a freakin crotch post fifteen minutes into the movie, the token fat chick who never stops thinking about food, and the surfer-looking tool of a male cheerleader who wants to have sex with all three. According to my calculations, four people make a euchre game, not a cheerleading team. I mean if there are only four, what kind of pyramid do you have? I’ll tell you what kind; a shitty one! It kind of looks like the Roman numeral II.

Anyway, so the cheerleaders should be the least of your concerns about this movie. Next were the two convicts that had no desire to have sex with horny teenage girls making out, topless. GAY! Freakin’ gay. I mean there was no interest at all. I didn’t think they were hot, but, if I had been in jail and chained to a fuckin’ fat dude, and then saw two teenage cheerleaders making out in some topless HLA (Hot Lesbian Action) I’d want to bang them. That’s all I have to say about that.

The best part about this is that it is the first time I have seen stunt boobs since the cover of Pretty Woman (1990), which ironically had whores in it too. What a coincidence. I thought it was odd that you didn’t see the sluts face while she was topless, but who am I to argue with unnecessary nudity in a bad horror movie. The cop, who was a resale shop version of R. Lee Ermy’s Sheriff Hoyt in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), just didn’t fit in at all. He had about fifteen minutes of over done airtime and could have been killed way earlier in the movie.

Now for the killer; the Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy is the killer. There is nothing less believable than a disgustingly fat and hairy porn star acting the part of a homicidal maniac, who actually stops at one point in the movie to knock one out behind a tree while watching someone sunbathe. It was absolutely ridiculous. The only savings grace, ok the only person that was kick ass in this flick, was the narrator. He was like Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazzard, meets Sid Haig, meets the creepy older version of Ron Jeremy beating off behind a tree while drooling over some young piece of poontang lying out in the sun. The dude freakin rocked the whole movie. Every time he came on I laughed my ass off.

The movie was shot so it looked kinda like a documentary. Not "A" movie quality but not as bad as using your home video camera either. There was really no blood in it either. There is one death scene in which a van pulls up to someone broke down on the side of the road and you see the person flagging down the van and the next thing is dead bodies in the van and the hatch is shutting and the driver leaves. No chopping them up, no stabbing, no torture, nothing; just a jump to dead bodies. It was bullshit.

Everything was so unrealistic about this flaming turd of a film. Who in the blue hell goes up to a house in the country and just walks in and starts getting it on in someone else’s house? Oh, and there is a scene where the fat chick tries to seduce the male cheerleader who is conveniently named Jimbo, and as she is getting ready to service him she gets enticed in another direction by a doughnut hanging by a string from a tree like it was an eating contest at summer camp. It was one of the funniest things in the movie.

Rating: 8. This movie is just a flaming abortion. I have seen movies that were bad before but I think this one is in my top three worst. The absolute lack of any substance was inexcusable. However it was funny as hell because it was so ridiculous, but that does not excuse the lack of effort by anyone involved in this thing. If you find it, and you like ‘em cheezy, check it out. If you want something good don’t bother. While it is a funny movie it is still an abortion, and abortions are not cool. (8of25).