Dr. Chopper (2005)

Director: Lewis Schoenbrun

Writer: Ian Holt

Tagline: Another Slice of Life

Actors: Costas Mandylor, Ed Brigadier, Chelsey Crisp, Robert Adamson, Chase Hoyt, Butch Hansen, Ashley McCarthy, Benjamin Keepers, Elisa Schuyler, Rose Swim, Miranda Kwok, Joseph Picou, Leyla Razzari

Runtime: 1h 26m

Category: Cannibal, Killer, Slasher

Synopsis: After the passing of his mother, Nick finds a deed to a property his mother never told him about. Curious as to why not, he gathers his girlfriend, another couple, and a fifth wheel to head up to the family cabin for a weekend away. What they are all unaware of is that a crazed 80 year old plastic surgeon, who kills people and harvests their limbs in order to find the answer to the fountain of youth, lives in the woods they are headed to. A wily veteran sheriff, who doesn’t seem to care about missing people as much as he does his bottle of Jack Daniels, takes an interest in stopping this 80 year old madman who rides a chopper. As the whack job doctor takes out the kids one by one he is running out of donors for his fountain of youth project.

Review: I am only going to say this one time and if you don’t get it please stop reading the review and gouge your eyes out because you don’t deserve to see words, let alone comprehend them. The title is a double pun (Chopper/motorcycle & chopper/psycho 80 year old killer). What, an 80 year old killer? Yes. I don’t know how to say this but here goes, it wasn’t as bad as you may think. The acting wasn’t great but if you look at what they had to work with, they did really well in selling it to you. The actors did great with a really bad script. So much of this movie made no sense though. Out of nowhere there are two lesbians making out in a trailer (which is where I imagine all lesbians make out), a rookie park ranger who shows up unannounced, and an 80 year old killer.

Visually it was shot well. It didn’t look like my little brother was running through the woods. The sound was done well too. The music sucked just like most B movies. They try so hard to make the dramatic, exciting and horrifying music blend but it usually sounds like mix tapes I made when I was 10. One of the funniest things was, that when the five kids walked into the cabin you could see light coming through every slat on the wall. They did such a bad job of building the cabin set that a small mouse could crawl into any slot in the walls.

The character placement was quite typical, two couples and a fifth wheel who drinks too much. The fifth wheel becomes the hero when supporting female’s boyfriend is killed. She is so slutty that she is ready to use the fifth wheel as a crotch post. Then when you find out that the main character is this 80 year old man’s son and his mom was bangin’ the old fucker it all makes sense; it’s a B horror movie. None of it has to really make sense. See, this movie has all of the crucial elements that allow us to forget about things like, I don’t know, story line, dialog, and acting. It has blood, boobs, guts etc, so in my opinion it’s worth the look.

Rating: I give this a 14. While the actors did a great job of selling a bad script and plot, it still was not a very good movie. If you have cable and it has On Demand, see if you can find it there. Or maybe download it. The only other suggestion I have is if you have Blockbuster’s Total Access program and have the unlimited rentals, get it there if you are interested. Don’t go rent it and spend the $3.50 on it. (14of25).