Zombie Nation (2004)

Director: Ulli Lommel

Writer: Ulli Lommel

Tagline: Terror in Numbers

Actors: Günther Ziegler, Brandon Dean, Axel Montgomery, Phil Lander, Martina Bottesch, Szilvi Naray-Davey, Karen Maxwell, Naidra Dawn Thomson, Victoria Ullmann

Runtime: 1h 21m

Category: Voodoo, Zombie

Synopsis: Joe Singer, a cop with a mean streak a mile wide and a past that would make Chuck Manson bust a nut, is on a kidnapping, murderous rampage of beautiful young women. Joe’s partner Vitalio, a stupid rookie, tells one of the other stupid rookies about Joe’s shady pullovers and the fact that after taking them into custody he takes them to some warehouse and makes Vitalio wait outside. Now under internal investigation, Officer Singer is relived of his duties (hehehe…duties). Joe’s luck gets even worse when the five women he kidnapped and murdered come back from the dead to seek their revenge. Thanks to some buxom blonde named Holly who decided to use the one great idea she’d ever have, and a bunch of Miss Cleo wannabees, all five girls are now out on the hunt for the man that ended their natural life; but not before putting their collective thoughts together, which in my opinion amounted to the weight of that righteous B.M. I had last week, and coming up with the convoluted idea of a nation comprised strictly of zombies and becoming cops themselves. Can he escape a horde of flesh-hungry fuzzies, or will this be the end of Joe Singer?

Review: Judging by the synopsis, I take it that you have already figured out my thoughts on this movie. This is just another example of my reason for starting this website: to keep good people from seeing bad movies. Wow…I like that little saying. I might just start using that. Anyway, if for some reason you actually decide to spend the time watching this…this…well crap is the only word that comes to mind, then I suggest you call up a good friend (not just any friend, a good friend will actually do this for you) and have them bring over a home enema kit (buy it from Costco…they’re cheap…or so I hear) and have a party!

From what I got out of this story besides a headache and an itchy balloon-knot, is the fact that this Mr. Lommel did not really think this movie all the way through. The story was one of the worst I’ve ever seen since I started in this biz. It was empty, slow, mindless, and altogether numbing. There was no explanation as to the origin of the “zombies” or even the premise behind them. Those crazy voodoo chicks just said some mumbo-jumbo made some chick drink some blood that was dripping out of a decapitated pig’s head and bam…zombies. Yeah…real compelling…asshole!

The acting and script were of a worse demeanor. I haven’t seen anything that bad that was supposed to actually be good since Death Row (2007). I’m actually amazed that anyone would even consider this for production. And I’m even more taken back by the fact that once production ceased and the film was ready to be printed, the editor, who must watch and pay careful attention to the movie, didn’t get up from his Lazy-Boy, walk into the director and producer’s office respectively, and kick them square in the jimmy. If it were me, I would have charged the set and electro-shocked everybody.

The gore was just as bad. I’m actually having trouble describing it, it was so bad. I think, given a modest budget, some Silly Puddy, some duct tape, and a few pounds of mac’ and cheese from KFC (‘cause that stuff really sticks to the ribs), an epileptic could do a better job (for anyone out there who is epileptic…I’m sorry for having compared you to anyone associated with this movie).

Rating: 4. The only thing I liked about this movie were Singer’s flashbacks to his childhood as a mentally and physically abused son of a psychotic mental institution owner. That’s it. So, I have to give credit were it’s due…but I guess that’s it. To sum up; just don’t watch this movie…I’ve warned you. (4of25).