Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Director: David R. Ellis

Writer: John Heffernan, Sebastian Gutierrez, David Dalessandro

Tagline: At 30,000 feet, snakes aren't the deadliest thing on this plane.

Actors: Samuel L. Jackson, Julianna Margulies, Nathan Phillips, Rachel Blanchard, Flex Alexander, Kenan Thompson, Keith Dallas, Lin Shaye, Bruce James, Sunny Mabrey, Casey Dubois, Daniel Hogarth, Gerard Plunkett, Terry Chen, Elsa Pataky

Runtime: 1h 45m

Category: Creature, Killer, Thriller

Synopsis: After witnessing the murder of an American prosecutor, Sean is ambushed by the mob at his apartment in Honolulu. He is saved by FBI agent Neville Flynn (Samuel L Jackson). Sean is set to testify against the mob boss Eddie Kim in Los Angeles. However, Kim has loaded hundreds of poisonous snakes into the cargo hold and once they are in the air they are released into the rest of the plane. At 30,000 feet no on can hear you scream and is it possible to stop that many snakes from killing everyone on the flight before it reaches LA? What do you think, its Samuel L. Jackson.

Review: I’m tired of all the mother fuckin’ hype behind this mother fuckin’ movie! It was awful. It was such a ridiculous concept that unless Sam Jackson was contractually obligated to do a shitty movie with this studio he should be slapped for putting his name on this diarrhea-fest of a movie. See, the G’d out rapper aptly named Three G’s is a well spoken black man in real life. He plays a well spoken detective on TNT’s series The Closer. It was not believable that he was a rapper who talks jive. Although it was funny that he was a germaphobe. The low budget, Paris Hilton rich bitch character is so overdone that I wanted her dead from the minute I heard her talking, which made me dumber by the way. Then there was the horny pilot, the retiring flight attendant or stewardess, depending on if you feel the need to acknowledge the woman’s lib movement, the pregnant lady, two kids under 10 years old flying alone for the first time. Oh yeah, and there was an Asian dude who had been fighting in a martial arts competition. It was actually Clichés on a Plane.

Here is the truth; big budgets don’t mean good movies. I have seen B and even some C movies that would kick this thing’s ass all over town. See they used some real snakes but the bulk of them were CGI. That was to be expected but they picked the rarest snakes in the world and put them together. It just didn’t make sense. Somehow the FBI finds a guy that can produce the anti-venom for all of the snakes. God love modern technology. He gets pics of the snakes via camera phone and is able to find an anti-venom for all of them. Again cliché. It was shot beautifully and every scene and shot were carefully crafted. But the dialog and plot were bad. Now, it did have a few scenes that made me jump but hey, when a poisonous snake shoots out of somewhere you don’t expect snakes to be it is a little unsettling. The movie tried to give itself a boost by adding boobs and Samuel L Jackson. It didn’t work.

Rating: 8. I was disappointed from the moment they got on the plane. I love Samuel Jackson but I have realized one thing; if he is not yelling at you he is talking very low and monotone. There is no in-between normal voice for him. If you like Samuel Jackson movies you may enjoy this. If that is the case, waste the $3.50. If you don’t want to piss away two hours and $3.50 of you life and hard earned money wait until it comes out on network TV. It can’t be much worse there. You still won’t get the two hours back though. (8of25).