100 Tears (2007)

Director: Marcus Koch

Writer: Joe Davison

Tagline: Everyone loathes a clown…

Actors: Raine Brown, Joe Davison, Georgia Chris, Jack Amos, Kibwe Dorsey, Rod Grant, Norberto Santiago, Brad Rhodes, Leslie Crytzer, Jerry Allen, Jeff Dylan Graham

Runtime: 1h 32m

Category: Slasher

Synopsis: For the past twenty years, the East Coast has been the target of gruesome murders by a killer known as The Teardrop Killer. No definable evidence has ever been found and dozens of people are still reported missing. It seems like there is no end to this killing spree while the FBI continues to twiddle their collective thumbs and build one hell of a case file. Lucky for them, up incoming reporters Mark and Jennifer have decided to veer away from the ridiculous confines of the tabloid world, and venture into darker territory. As their investigation snowballs, they stumble across some clues that point them in the direction of a traveling circus…that just so happens to be in town. New revelations form as they get closer and closer to finding out the truth behind The Teardrop Killer and his bloody mission.

Review: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, come one come all and read the very first review written about our first official DVD screener! Now for those of you who may not know what a screener is, I shall enlighten you. A screener is a DVD-quality copy of a feature film developed by the director, writer, or Production Company for distribution among reviewers, such as myself, and film festivals. They are NOT an illegal copy! The writer Joe Davison was kind enough to send us our very first official screener. We’re movin’ on up!

The story, as the synopsis reads, follows Mark and Jennifer on their whirlwind adventure in tracking down and cracking the mystery of The Teardrop Killer. I was honestly not expecting too much out of the story, sorry Joe, no offense. But I was treated to more than your average slasher-story. The story is well thought out, albeit compact, interesting, and overall enjoyable. The reason I mention it being compact is because it seemed like all of the information we were looking for was told in an instant. I do understand that you want to build suspense and not give everything away at the beginning but, I was just not expecting to be hit with so much information at once. I think it hindered the story somewhat in the fact that once the info started flowing, we had to start remembering names and scenarios that hadn’t been important since the beginning of the film…when they mattered the least. I don’t think that the story was bad at all, it was actually very good…just too heavy in that one spot.

The acting I was expecting to just completely destroy. Unfortunately…I can’t. I was very surprised to see as much commitment out of the actors as I did. They all seemed to hit the mark and make their characters relatable and understandable. Especially Mark and Jennifer; their chemistry on screen was fantastic! I thoroughly enjoyed their conversations and they were able to make it feel like they were really together. It’s nice to see that sometimes; considering most films today are too hung up on scare tactics and A-list celebrities. I was also pleased with Jack Amos’ acting as the killer. Not a single word was uttered by this character…old-school! That character was the epitome of the old-school slasher character. Very well done!

The script was also not what I had expected. As many of you know, or at least may have heard, or are just finding out, I usually don’t mention the script in my reviews. The only time I do is if the script was awesome, dreadful, or just worth mentioning. Here…it’s worth mentioning. For a feature film to pay such careful attention to their characters, story, and their gore (coming up), and still dish out a solid script…that’s worth mentioning. It was not your average over-the-top or your occasional obvious-I’m-reading-from-a-cue-card script, but it was just a good script dropped into a vat of delicious milk chocolate fudge, served with a side of blood.

The gore…oh, the gore! Again, for those of you who know, or know of me, I’m a sucker for cover art. I will rent or even buy a movie if it has sweet cover art. Most of the time the cover art is the only good thing about the movie…not here! The cover art for this film lives up to the film itself with flying colors! Never in my sixteen months of reviewing have I ever been treated to such a well-blended compilation of everything that makes a horror movie. Most of the time you have to wait at least fifteen to twenty minutes for any good kill scenes in a regular movie…again, not here! Right off the bat, just like Barricade (2007), we get a full dose of what this killer is made of. No sugarcoating, no bullshit…pure, unadulterated gore! Get an eyeful! These effects were done with such precision at times that it almost looks real. Only a diehard would be able to produce gore of this caliber. I must say…one of the goriest movies I’ve ever scene.

Rating: 22. Overall this film was amazing! I would have liked to see some ballsier camera work though. It seemed like the shots, although not bad, could have been phenomenal given the chance. The only other thing that bothered me was Raine Brown’s character near the end of the movie. I don’t think it’s her, I think it’s just the way the character was written; almost like a Edwin Neal’s character as the hitchhiker from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974). Here’s what it is; it seemed like the character was trying too hard to be like the great characters before them. Does that make sense? Oh, well. As a final note (not a Final Thought…I’m not Springer!): this film embodies everything good about horror movies…and screw the critics on IMDb! As much as I love their site, there’s no way it could have only gotten a 2.2/10. That, my friends, is why I’m a reviewer…not a critic. (22of25).

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (2005)

Director: David Lee Fisher

Writer: David Lee Fisher, Hans Janowitz, Carl Mayer

Tagline: What force drives a man insane?

Actors: Judson Pearce Morgan, Daamen J. Krall, Doug Jones, Lauren Birkell, Neil Hopkins, William Gregory Lee, Randy Mulkey, Time Winters, Richard Herd

Runtime: 1h 26m

Category: Killer, Psychological

Synopsis: A traveling fair has stopped in the small town of Holstenwall. Along with it comes a shifty fellow named Dr. Caligari. He obtains his permit from the town clerk to operate his sideshow; one featuring a somnambulist named Cesare. The next morning, the town clerk is found dead – murdered! Alan begs his friend Francis to go but, when his future is predicted by the somnambulist, he finds that he only has until dawn to live. Cesare’s prophesy bears fruit as a town-wide manhunt begins for the mysterious killer. All seems calm after a man is captured trying to murder an elderly woman; they believe they have found the killer. That night, Jane, Francis’ fiancée, is attacked and carried off into the sunrise – by none other than Caligari’s Cesare! Can Francis discover the truth about Caligari before it’s too late?

Review: I copied and pasted the synopsis from the 1920 version I reviewed because I could not describe it any better. This film is basically an exact replica of the original film of the same name. I had some high hopes for this considering my elevated admiration for the silent version. Unfortunately I was treated to one of the biggest slaps in the face since they remade House of Wax (1953).

The story was exactly the same. Nothing left out…nothing added. I was basically watching the original over again with very poor acting. I do believe that I was not impressed with anything in this movie but, I must, as an objective critic, continue with the review.

The acting was altogether laughable and sad. I actually wanted to turn it off at one point. Even the guy who played Cesare didn’t do a good job. I think the entire cast missed the mark. The only thing that saved this area from becoming a goose-egg was the absolutely luscious Lauren Birkell. I swear, man, you could bounce quarters off those things in that dress. Damn!

The effects were of yet another low. From what I understand, this film was actually supposed to be an “exact remake” of the original. This was to include the exact sets and backgrounds used by its predecessor. They did just that. The entire movie was shot in front of a green screen so that the backgrounds and sets could actually BE the original ones. I found this to be quite disturbing in a way. They basically took a landmark film and flushed it down the toilet. I was so disappointed that I had contemplated giving up remakes altogether (but not really).

Rating: 3. There is a rating strictly because of the addition to Ms. Birkell to the cast. I think it would be safe to say that she is the only reason to ever torture yourself with this film. I’m so depressed now, I can’t even go on… (3of25).

A Dead Calling (2006)

Director: Michael Feifer

Writer: Michael Feifer

Tagline: A Long Forgotten Past…A Much Deadlier Future

Actors: Alexandra Holden, John Burke, Sid Haig, Leslie Easterbrook, Bill Moseley, Caia Coley, Timothy Oman, Micah Costanza, Mike Korich

Runtime: 1h 31m

Category: Ghost, Killer, Supernatural

Synopsis: Rachel Beckwith is a big-time reporter/journalist with everything going for her. Home late one night, she crawls into bed with her fiancé and they hold each other until they fall asleep. Rachel is woken up by her cat doing cat-stuff downstairs, only to discover that they are being robbed! During the frenzy her fiancé is killed. She completely shuts down and moves in with her parents. Months later, thinking she is alright to go back to work, she gets a job at the local paper as a reporter. Her first assignment is to do some research on the town’s architecture. Her first stop is the house of Frank Sullivan, a jailed murderer. She becomes obsessed with the house and the beings that haunt it. With the help of her boss Stephen, they try to get to the bottom of her obsession; which yields some shocking results!

Review: This movie was difficult to summarize because the story was so jam-packed. I did my best to give a detailed synopsis without any spoilers. If I failed…bite me.

The story was not all that bad; when it picked up. I have not seen a movie that was so dreadfully boring that I actually started to doze off. But once the action picked up, it never let go. I do have to say that this story was actually a pretty good one, almost like a properly-made J-movie. My only other complaint is that the ending was easier to see than Brittney Spears’ crotch (sorry Kari…ah you). I was so obvious who Rachel was and why she was so drawn to the house. I mean, c’mon…at least make me work for it…Damn!

The acting was not as good as I had hoped. I think part of it has to do with the fact that the only role I know of the very tasty Alexandra Holden is from Friends when she played a naive college chick. Along the same lines, the only roles I know of Sid Haig being in are those of the bad guy. It was so weird to see him as a nice, loving father with a heart of gold. I’m used to the clown make-up and the F-bombs. The whole thing just seemed strained and uncomfortable. Plus, I don’t like change!

The gore and effects were actually not all that bad. I would have liked to see more, obviously, but I think that for the sake of the story and the circumstance, it sufficed. It was done well and with master-like skill, but not in proper quantities. I think that if a slice ‘em and dice ‘em scene would have been added…it would have been sa-weet!

Rating: 12. I think I would see anything with Alexandra Holden in it; and Sid Haig is one of my favorite horror movie leads. Unfortunately, once the norm is compromised…the Dogs of War are set free. But the end of the story did give it that little extra to keep it in honorable mention status. In conclusion, this film was a let down in most areas, and instead of leaving me with good memories, I was left with numb ass-cheeks. (12of25).

Winter of the Dead (2005)

Director: Markus Heiskanen

Writer: Markus Heiskanen, Jere Vainikka

Tagline: [None]

Actors: Pasi Martikainen, Antti Riuttanen, Kirsti Savola, Teemu Salonen, Markus Heiskanen

Runtime: 36m

Category: Zombie

Synopsis: After a nuclear holocaust, the world as we know it is stuck in an endless winter. We follow Toni, a lone survivor in these harsh times, in his day to day lifestyle. We eventually meet Risto; a neighbor of Toni’s who seems to be less uptight about the whole end of the world scenario. Those who have not died from the radiation or starvation have turned into flesh-hungry zombies who attack Toni and Risto mercilessly. One day Toni finds a woman in the snow and brings her home. Her name is Juontaja and has come from a nearby town after having been overrun by the undead…she is the only survivor. Eventually the zombie attacks become too much for the three of them and they are forced to mobilize. Can they escape these relentless zombies or will they feel the icy grip of frozen death?

Review: First off, I’m very tired. I’ve just written like six reviews in a two hour period and frankly, I’m wiped out. This is what happens when you procrastinate! Anyway, this is another one of those damn subtitle films that make you read your way through the movie. Thank God this film kicked ass because the subs were starting to mock me personally.

The story is a refreshing variation of The Last Man on Earth (1964) with Vincent Price. Actually, all of The Last Man on Earth (1964) playoffs were played off of the original story by Richard Matheson. Only in Matheson’s story, the creatures were vampires. But all of this is no never mind to you. This story is not slow, it is not boring, and in no way is it knockable. I loved the story to death…no pun intended. I thought it was a clever spin from the others of its kind, leaving it in a category all its own.

The acting was superb. It was very 28 Days Later… (2002) feeling. Not many people can hold a movie all or even most of the way though. But all three characters were very well executed and were done in a manor not know to the U.S. It’s been a while since I’ve seen character commitment like that. The last film I saw with that kind of stability was I Am Legend (2007). Even though a lot of Americans won’t understand what they are saying, myself included, they are compelling actors all the same.

The gore was not as present as I had hoped. I was hoping for some close-up head-shots or a zombie munchin’ away on some poor soul. But even though I did not get what I wanted, I was treated to some very wonderful subtle gore. The amount of control over the gore and blood spatter was very, very well done. The make-up and effects were also of the same caliber. Like I said before…a lot about this film surprised me.

Rating: 23. This was an absolute treat for me to watch. Very I Am Legend (2007), very The Last Man on Earth (1964) feeling. If you cared at all for either of those films, find this one. If you can’t find it, try my friends over at HorrorFlix…they have everything. In summation, with some steady gore control and terrific direction and acting, you are sure to love this film by our comrades to the East (between Sweden and Russia…I know…I had to look too!). (23of25).

Deadline (2002)

Director: Jonathan Kray

Writer: Michel Bonset, Jonathan Kray, Jan Willem Peters, Ruben Taneja

Tagline: [None]

Actors: Cas Jansen, Anjali Taneja, Willem Emo, Dorus van der Meer, Dirk Beemster, Floris Bakker, Ruben Taneja, Wende Snijders, Javier Guzman, Michel Bonset, Henny Stoel

Runtime: 21m

Category: Zombie

Synopsis: After a bio-hazardous spill at a chemical factory, precautionary measures have been taken to assure the public that everything is under control. Unfortunately, you cannot control everything. Mosquitoes end up taking in some of the waste and causing horrible mutations in humans who have been bitten.

That same night, a video game design corporation is on a deadline to finish their latest creation. During all the commotion, one of the team members gets bitten by an infected mosquito. The supervisor, Mike, decides to send another team member after the first to find out what was taking so long. Mike soon finds out that his crew has become flesh-hungry zombies!

After the outbreak in the office building, a TV news crew head in to get a scoop. They run head-on into what looks like a war zone. Jenny, the reporter, finds Mike, very badly injured but alive, who gives them the low-down on what happened. All hell breaks loose when the other team members find their way to the remaining survivors. Who can escape the undead?

Review: I was hoping for something amazing with this film considering it was produced by Twisted Pictures, the same company that brought us the Saw films, Catacombs (2007), and Dead Silence (2007). I was not thrilled to find out that I would be reading subtitles throughout the entire film but, I gotta say, this has been some of the most well spent twenty minutes in a long time.

The story although not a new one was very well detailed and delivered. Not too many films can boast such a statement, even big-budget films. But the story here was crafted in a way that left some imagination flexibility but gave you enough to solidify your enjoyment. It was very well orchestrated and executed, and I’m happy to be a fan.

The acting was a lot better than I have expected. I thought I was gonna have to drop a bomb here but I can’t. The acting was believable and compelling…simple as that. I don’t know if any of these actors are big over in the Netherlands, but they sure made their mark here. I hope to see more from the Netherlands sometime soon, they actually have good actors.

The gore was another story. I was so blown away that I think I was actually speechless. I guess I should have figured so, being a Twisted Pictures production and all, but for a short film I just wasn’t expecting much. But the gore was very well done and was successful in the portrayal of the zombie physiology (Romero Model). The only complaint I have for this section, is the eyes of the zombies. I would have preferred them to not be a green version of the effects of Dune (1984). It just seemed to take away from the grit of the film. But that’s my only complaint.

Rating: 23. I thought this film was absolutely phenomenal. If you ever get a chance to see it, please do. If you can’t find it, try checking out my friends at HorrorFlix, they might have it…they have everything. Thus, I’ll leave you with my second horror-short review. I’m getting a good feeling about these horror-shorts, I hope I don’t run into any duds! (23of25).

Rotten Shaolin Zombies (2004)

Director: Blaine Wasylkiw

Writer: Blaine Wasylkiw

Tagline: Filthy. Decomposing. Ass-kickers.

Actors: Wilson Wong, Wil Yee, Anders J. Svensson, Paul Marshall, Owen Wong, Gunther Schetterer, Joel Gerritsen

Runtime: 23m

Category: Action, Comedy, Zombie

Synopsis: Two brothers who have always been best friends grow up and become master martial artists. They spar together every day under the watchful eye of Sensei. One day while at a restaurant, they order the Dirty Lung Fish, which is apparently a delicacy somewhere. The fish very poisonous and is still technically alive when served, but when prepared properly it is safe to eat. The fish attacks one brother and end up killing him by way of eye-eating/blood loss. The remaining brother buries his kin and continues on…sadly. One day he sees his beloved brother hobbling down the sidewalk. He catches up to him only to realize he’s a zombie! Now, they must battle to the death, for zombie brother’s piece, or the living brother’s conviction to stop his zombie brother.

Review: I was not really sure what to make of this film, from beginning to end. After the first couple of minutes I started thinking, “Is this for real?” And, yes…it was. I watched it twice just to make sure I got it and I think I pissed myself a little bit from laughing so hard. From beginning to end I laughed. I laughed when the fish attacked, I laughed when the living brother and the zombie brother were singing, and I even laughed when that dude with the zebra head started talking smack. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.

The story was not bad for a…I’m sorry, I can’t do this. The story was awful. I’m sorry Blaine. The undead doing Kung-Fu…please. But…I did love it something terrible. I loved the story even though it was just horrific. This was one of the funniest parts of the film; the fact that a zombie can do Kung-Fu…how hilarious is that?!?

The acting was typical of an independent film made by a bunch of friends. I was expecting it to be like some sort of backyard-film shot with a Hi-8 or something…and it was…minus the Hi-8. Each character had their own little quips that made them funny as hell. I especially loved the ass-kicking the zombie brother dished out before he was bitten. The whole Bruce Lee impression was dead on. The acting seemed like a bunch of friends got together and said to one another, “Let’s make a funny-ass zombie flick with a zombie that does Kung-Fu.” And good times were had by all…DYN-O-MITE!

The effects were even funnier than the story. I haven’t laughed like this since The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra (2001). During the restaurant scene you can actually see the strings used to make the fish move. I love it when that stuff is intentional. It’s a great way to ease down after a major gore-fest film.

The gore was actually not half bad for a horror-comedy short. I was not expecting to see what I did. I have to applaud the entire cast and crew for putting out one of the funniest film I’ve ever seen. Very much, Bravo!

Rating: I really am sorry for doing this, guys but…no! This deserves a great rating! I’m gonna give this pile a 23. Simply because I think stuff came out my nose while I was laughing during this entire film. I gotta hand it to the cast and crew; you guys can really put out a terrific zomedy. Thank you for unleashing this dishevelment upon us. (23of25).

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)

Director: Robert Wiene

Writer: Hans Janowitz, Carl Mayer

Tagline: You must become Caligari.

Actors: Werner Krauss, Conrad Veidt, Friedrich Feher, Lil Dagover, Hans Heinrich von Twardowski, Rudolf Lettinger, Ludwig Rex

Runtime: 51m

Category: Killer, Thriller

Synopsis: A traveling fair has stopped in the small town of Holstenwall. Along with it comes a shifty fellow named Dr. Caligari. He obtains his permit from the town clerk to operate his sideshow; one featuring a somnambulist named Cesare. The next morning, the town clerk is found dead – murdered! Alan begs his friend Francis to go but, when his future is predicted by the somnambulist, he finds that he only has until dawn to live. Cesare’s prophesy bears fruit as a town-wide manhunt begins for the mysterious killer. All seems calm after a man is captured trying to murder an elderly woman; they believe they have found the killer. That night, Jane, Francis’ fiancée, is attacked and carried off into the sunrise – by none other than Caligari’s Cesare! Can Francis discover the truth about Caligari before it’s too late?

Review: I was a bit apprehensive about reviewing a movie that is so old. I figured, however, that if I plan to be an influential movie critic, I’d be better off knowing my roots. Thus, I decided to give it my best shot. So here you go…

The story is slightly hard to follow simply because of the lack of script. But from the script they do give you, you are able to decipher enough to understand the storyline. I thought that the story was the most compelling part of the film. I loved how at the end they made it seem possible that the whole thing was in Francis’ head; that he was the crazy one all along. I find it interesting simply because we see that concept from time to time, today. But for such a story to be told back in the 1920’s…my God! I would not be surprised if, after seeing this film back in the day, people walked out of the “picture show” and fainted right there in the street.

The acting was typical for the time; overly dramatic and dry. But one cannot judge a film on acting alone. I must say that even though the acting was more comical than believable, the movie was in no way impaired by over-dramatics.

The effects, also, were typical of the time. Not much can be said here – simply because the effects back then were more about camera angles and how to fade to the next shot. But I can mention the set…cause, damn. From what I understand, this is considered an expressionist-art film…which would explain the Dr. Seuss-like sets. If the sets would have been real and/or real-looking, like today’s, than I think the film would have been even creepier. But I gotta hand it to the set coordinator(s)…you really have an eye for the abstract.

Rating: 17. The sets and dramatics of the day seemed to hinder the full strength of the film. I think that if this film were to be remade…it could be amazing. But overall, the story, being the main part of the film, was, and is still, so compelling that it warrants a high rating. Here is to one of the most influential film of the 20th century. A film that sanctioned the birth of the “plot twist”. To the director and writers…I thank you. (17of25).

The 9th Circle (2007)

Director: Damien Leone

Writer: Damien Leone

Tagline: Pray the beginning is the end.

Actors: Kayla Lian, Mike Giannelli, Christine Evangelista, Anna Maliere, Eric Diez, John McCarthy, Marc Romano, Andrew Mahler, Steven Mancuso, Lori Anne Lovaglio

Runtime: 11m 17s

Category: Devil

Synopsis: The story follows a woman of no name and of no origin. She seems to be of a peaceful nature, one of those good-hearted-by-nature people you only see in films. She is waiting quietly at a train station when the obvious enjoyment of her book is disturbed by a clown with a horn…who has been staring at her. She gets up to leave and the clown grabs her and drugs her. She wakes up chained to a steel pipe somewhere underground. All she can hear is the screaming of another woman off in the distance. She is captured again soon after a daring escape to suffer a fate worse than death…by the hands of the Devil himself!

Review: I found this film on MySpace while looking for something else. When I stumbled across it I was immediately intrigued. I watched it once and was actually speechless. Yeah, go figure; something actually took my words away from me. But I was absolutely enthralled and ended up watching it a few more times…because I had to!

The story is actually the film’s strongest quality. Its simplicity is what makes it scary; just a girl at the mercy, or lack thereof, of a sacrificial cult lead by none other than the Dark Lord himself. I tend to believe that most horror movies out today would be ten times better if all of the other crap was cut out. Just like this; no big production, no opinionated directors or producers only in it for the money, no big shot actors throwing their two cents around (most of the time that’s all it’s worth anyway. Have you ever heard one of them talk about politics or society? It’s like listening to getting moral advice from Saddam Hussein.); just a good, solid story that will leave you wanting more.

The acting was…well…different. It wasn’t bad, oh God no, but it was different. I’m just not used to the kind of acting dished out in independent short films. Actually, I gotta say, it was rather good. It was believable, gripping, and very well orchestrated. The lack of script aided this, I think; not that the actors would have screwed it up by talking more, but, like I said before, its simplicity is its strongest asset. Without the burden of memorizing lines, the actors were free to spend that time capturing their character’s persona. Damien…bravo. You really know your shut!

The gore was not what I really expected. I was expecting some cut up pieces of beef and sausage casings covered in catsup-looking blood…especially when I read that Damien, the director and writer, also was in charge of the effects. It’s a lot for one man to do for a single production, and he was able to bring about a balance between the three that I have yet to see matched. It was not Hollywood gore mind you, but for an independent film by a guy who is only two years over the legal drinking age, you gotta give him mad props!

Rating: See as how this is the first short film ever reviewed by our wonderful organization, I think that careful measures must be taken. Thus I will have to rate this film at a 21. I would have liked to have seen more of that freaky-ass clown. That thing scared the crap out of me and my daughter (she poops all the time anyway, she’s seventeen months…I’m just trying to make a relational association. Oh, you don’t know what that means…well…tough). The other thing that I would have liked to see more of is the scene with the pregnant chick. I think that a substantial intestinal spill would have added a nice sloppy touch to the grit of the situation. But, overall I would have to say that this is the absolute best horror short film I’ve ever seen. If there is anyone out there who knows of a better one…please, for the love of all that is gory and scary, pass on the love! Damien…you are THE MAN! (21of25).

View the film here.

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)

Director: Víctor García

Writer: William Massa

Tagline: [None]

Actors: Amanda Righetti, Cerina Vincent, Erik Palladino, Tom Riley, Andrew Lee Potts Jeffrey Combs, Steven Pacey, Clyta Rainford, Gil Kolirin, Andrew Pleavin, Chucky Venice

Runtime: 1h 21m

Category: Ghost, Sanitarium, Supernatural

Synopsis: Set about eight years after the events of the first film, Sara Wolfe’s sister Ariel is investigating her alleged suicide. She and her boyfriend Paul meet Richard who is a professor at the university and an unofficial expert on the Hill House. He tells Ariel that Sara had been contacting him because he was the only one who would believe her story. Back at their apartment, Ariel and Paul get kidnapped by Desmond; a former student of Richard’s who has, for lack of a better analogy, “turned to the dark side”. He takes them to the Hill House along with his entire entourage, followed by Richard, his girlfriend, and his assistant. While inside, the group experiences things that cannot be explained, and Desmond’s team is dwindling quickly. Now they all have to work together to get out alive or become just another of the victims of The House on Haunted Hill.

Review: I actually had no idea that a sequel to the remake was even in production. When I finally heard that it was being released I was ecstatic! I loved the original too, but the 1999 version is so much scarier. I would rate House on Haunted Hill (1999) in my top five scariest movies of all time…thus far. I know I may get some crap for that statement but guess what…I…don’t…care. Bring it on!

The story was unfortunately one of the weakest parts of the film. It’s not that it had plot holes or had a horribly predictable ending or even inconsistencies, even though it did, it’s more to the fact that they made it just like every other movie out there; some evil force emanating from some ancient statue that brings out the evil in mankind. That seems really familiar actually…didn’t they do that in The Lord of the Rings stories like forty-some-odd years ago, only with a ring? Yeah, they did! That’s what bothers me about the story; the fact that the ’99 version called for a house that was just evil…period. Not held captive by an evil statue trapping the souls inside for all eternity. The house was just evil…leave it that way!

The acting was not as bad as I had anticipated. I really like Erik Palladino’s acting and his ability to bring the average “smart-ass” to any character. I could have done without Miss Vincent; she just doesn’t do anything for me. But overall I thought the acting was actually pretty good for a B-quel. This was definitely not what I was expecting.

The effects and gore were almost up to par with its predecessor. They kept a lot of the same effects as the ’99 version, including gore and SFX. I was thoroughly impressed with the amount of gore in this movie. Not a lot of remakes can boast just as much gore as the first and not be lying. This one didn’t. This film took subtlety and threw it out the window. The gore is in-your-face, almost non-stop beauty that will leave you with a big smile on your face. Only us hard-core horror enthusiasts can call gore beautiful…it’s a gift to be able to see the beauty in death. As far as the effects go, I was happy to see a lot of the same effects from the first one. This kind of continuity is very important in making a good sequel, even if it’s straight-to-DVD.

Rating: Calling a spade a spade is a lot more black and white than rating this movie. Taking into account the poor story, but on the other side of the coin taking into account the wonderful gore and consistent effects, it’s a bit difficult to know where to begin. There was one little thing that made my day when I watched this movie, it was the scene where they all walk into the main hall and Richard’s assistant finds broken glass on the table…broken glass from the first film when the ceiling collapsed. That kind of consistency it unheard of in the wide world of B-quels. So, now that I’ve accounted for almost everything, (gotta leave some kind of margin for error) I think I would have to rate this movie a…21. (21of25).

Alone in the Dark (2005)

Director: Uwe Boll

Writer: Elan Mastai, Michael Roesch, Peter Scheerer

Tagline: Evil awakens.

Actors: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, Frank C. Turner, Matthew Walker, Will Sanderson, Mark Acheson, Darren Shahlavi

Runtime: 1h 36m

Category: Creature, Thriller, Video Game

Synopsis: Edward Carnby is one of a group of children who were experimented on when they were children at an orphanage. Today, he is a detective for a kind of “paranormal police” task force trained to handle…well, the paranormal. He and his estranged girlfriend end up uncovering a mysterious secret that is thousands of years old…maybe older. With the evil Professor Hudgens trying to bring back whatever evil lie behind door number one, Carnby, his girl, and the wicked awesome Commander Burke, must fight their way out of a very hostile situation to survive. But can they keep an ancient evil from pouring into our time?

Review: I had some high hopes for this flick, but once I saw that Uwe Boll directed this abomination, my hopes withered faster than a Michael Richards’ career. Stop laughing…it’s not funny. One of the people on IMDb said something that sums it up perfectly, “I went on a quest for the worst movie ever made that had a high budget, and it has been discovered.” I think that says it all…

I thought that the story was actually not half bad. It obviously could have been better, but for the sake of argument let’s just leave it at that. It seemed like a solid concept, almost Hellboy (2004)-like in a way. I didn’t think that someone could take a seemingly “ok” idea and turn it into a complete and utter debacle. I’m truly amazed and am saddened to think that this is where our cinema might be headed…even though it was almost over two years ago.

The acting was laughable overall, except for Stephen Dorff. I don’t much care for Christian Slater or his “I’m better than you” attitude. I really don’t care for Tara Reid. If I had to listen to her tell the rest of the cast that something was Abskani, I was gonna punch a midget (btw…the Abskani are the ancient people who first discovered the ancient evil…convenient, eh?). How many times can she tell us that something is Abskani? Was that the basis of her character? Was that all she knew how to say? If I had my druthers I would lock her in a room with a bunch of Mexican midgets for the rest of her unnatural life. Or we could just force her to wear a muzzle all the time and not allow her to hurt anyone else with her…uh…acting abilities. Damn! I almost shot orange juice out of my nose cuz I was laughing at the fact that I said that Tara Reid had acting ability. Have you ever had orange juice come out of your nose before? It hurts so bad. Anyway, I digress yet again.

The effects were not the worst part of the movie. I thought that the creatures in it were actually pretty cool, if they wouldn’t have been obvious plays off of Hellboy (2004)’s Samiel and the creatures from The Cave (2005). I liked them even though they were ripped off…I’m a sucker for cool creature effects. But that is the only thing to mention here so I’m just gonna wrap things up.

Rating: 6. The only reason I gave it any rating was because I love Stephen Dorff, the creatures were pretty cool, and, I’m sorry, I would tear Tara Reid apart. She’s not the kind of chick you take home to the folks, she’s the kind of chick you hogtie in your basement and keep for those lonely nights where all you wanna do is smack a bitch (that’s literal and an innuendo…in your end-o…in her end-o, booyah! I got a book comin’ out). That’s pretty much it…this movie sucked midget balls! (6of25).

Masters of Horror - 104 - Jenifer

Director: Dario Argento

Writer: Steven Weber, Bruce Jones

Tagline: Their wildest dreams are your worst nightmares.

Actors: Steven Weber, Carrie Fleming, Brenda James, Harris Allan, Beau Starr, Laurie Brunetti, Kevin Crofton, Julia Arkos, Jasmine Chan, Matt Garlick, Mark Acheson, Cynthia Garris

Original Air Date: November 18th, 2005

Runtime: 58m

Category: Creature, Demon

Synopsis: While enjoying a quiet lunch with his partner in his car, Detective Frank Spivey saves a girl from being horribly mutilated. She was being dragged around by a chain that was attached to her bound wrists. After shooting down the man dragging her around, he notices that there is something wrong with her face; it’s disfigured. The girl becomes enamored with Frank after her rescue. Due to the girl’s lack of social skills and facial abnormalities, she is instituted. Frank decides that this is no way for her to live and discharges her to move in with him, his wife and son. All is not well as Frank can’t seem to get his mind off of the hideous girl with a body that could kill. On their way back to the institution after Frank and his wife find her eating their cat, she ends up seducing him, furthering his obsession. All of his efforts to control his obsession, and control her, fail, leading to the demise of a neighbor and a carnie, and the separation between him and his wife. Now outcast to a remote cabin in the woods, she continues to seduce him to keep him from getting rid of her. When she murders his new boss’s son, he has had enough. He drags her out into the woods by bound hands and is ready to finally be rid of her until…

Review: I was not really expecting too much on this one. Don’t get me wrong, I love Argento but, there’s something about this story that bothers me. This is a classic story of a she-demon known as a succubus. This creature is known for its hideous aesthetics and gorgeous physique…and not to mention its insatiable lust. These creatures are very widely known and very widely accepted…even Comedy Central’s South Park did an episode about it. So it isn’t this story that bothers me, it’s the story of the succubus.

The story here was actually very good. I liked how Frank was taken in right from the beginning; it gave the story a kind of hopeless feeling. I also liked the connectivity of the beginning and end of the story, where what happened to the guy Frank caught trying to kill Jenifer, ended up happening to him as well. This is the most powerful feeling that one can feel, even more powerful than anger or rage; it’s love…especially hopeless love. Sometimes hopeless love is even worse because you know you’re in love but you can’t do anything about it, and you don’t even know why. That might be the thing that bothers me about the succubus story; that something could hold that much control over the human psyche. And it’s not like the Nazis or the Taliban where people believe something and have a purpose, however ludicrous it may be, it’s about being completely immersed and not understanding why.

The acting was a lot better than anticipated and was refreshing in a way. I dig a good B-movie whenever possible, and it’s common knowledge that most B-flicks lack in their acting talent department. So it was nice to see some really good acting that was convincing on the whole. Plus, I’ve always been a Steven Weber fan. I thought he got out of the biz but I guess I was wrong, eh? I must also mention Carrie Fleming in this section for one hell of a performance. I thought that she sis a fantastic job capturing the essence of the succubus demon. If ever there was an award for the best succubus character in a horror movie…she’d win!

The gore and effects were actually pretty good. I was expecting at least a decent amount of gore considering it’s an Argento film, and I got it! There was not much of it but the bit that there was, was done very well. The scenes where Jenifer is chowing down on Frank’s cat and where she’s eating the innards of the little girl next door were fantastic. You don’t see a whole lot which is not always bad. Sometimes the implied horror is more powerful that the visual horror.

Rating: 20. I personally didn’t care much for this episode. But what I do and do not like probably doesn’t matter to you. Either way, you’re reading this and I have your attention…ha! Overall I would say that this was a very well made episode that captured its goal and took the viewer on an interesting journey. If you get a chance and you like this kinda stuff, check it out…you won’t be disappointed. (20of25).

Reaper - 000 - Pilot

Director: Kevin Smith

Writer: Tara Butters, Michele Fazekas

Actors: Bret Harrison, Ray Wise, Nikki Reed, Rick Gonzalez, Tyler Labine, Valarie Rae Miller, Kyle Switzer, Allison Hossack, Andrew Airlie, Christine Willes, Donavon Stinson

Runtime: 45m 30s

Category: Comedy, Demon, Devil, Fantasy

Synopsis: This is the pilot for the series itself, which was pitched to the CW network. This original pilot had Nikki Reed playing Andi. That is the only difference between this original and the regular pilot which is considered episode one.

Halloween (2007)

Director: Rob Zombie

Writer: Rob Zombie, John Carpenter, Debra Hill

Tagline: Evil Has A Destiny

Actors: Malcolm McDowell, Brad Dourif, Tyler Mane, Daeg Faerch, Sheri Moon, William Forsythe, Richard Lynch, Udo Kier, Clint Howard, Danny Trejo, Lew Temple, Tom Towles, Bill Moseley, Leslie Easterbrook

Runtime: 1h 49m

Category: Slasher

Synopsis: Ten year old Michael Myers gets bullied both at school and at home. At school on Halloween, Michael is pushed over the edge by a bully. After school Michael follows the bully into the woods and beats him to death with a tree branch. Once at home he is consumed by more of the same loving attention by his family; and when his older sister refuses to take him trick or treating after mom goes to work he slaps on a clown mask and brutally, and I mean brutally, kills his mom’s boyfriend, his older sister, and her boyfriend. The only one he leaves alive is his baby sister. Michael is sent to Smith’s Grove Sanitarium where he is under the care of Dr. Loomis. For the next seventeen years he is silent, making masks to hide his face, and on that fateful Halloween night he busts the hell out of Smith’s Grove and heads back home to finish what he started. Michael goes on a rampage of slaughter and carnage as he attempts to find his baby sister who is now a senior in high school. Being followed by the only person who feels he can be stopped, Dr. Loomis follows Michael back to Haddonfield, IL to stop him.

Review: WOW! Rob Zombie is one demented guy. He made that movie very dark and much more of a slasher flick than John Carpenter. Zombie took the very suburban town of Haddonfield, IL and dropped Myers’ white trash family right in the middle of it. You have mom (Stripper), mom’s boyfriend (Out-of-Work Alcoholic), older sister (Whore In Training), sister’s boyfriend (Guy who bangs the whore in training), and baby sister (Poop Machine) who make up this not-so-Brady Bunch family. The way Michael sets out and slaughters his family was a brilliant display of slasher genius. It was great to see the progression of this human being full of pure evil. There is actually a point where Michael is in the loony bin and is talking with his mother and Dr. Loomis when you realize how nuts he really is. He asks her if he can come home and she tries to explain why he can’t. Once she leaves he tells Dr. Loomis that he doesn’t remember killing anyone. Once Loomis explains it all to Michael he clams up and never speaks another word.

In my opinion Taylor Mane had the easiest acting job in this flick. He didn’t even have any lines. He just had to kill people…lucky guy. Somehow Michael steals a semi truck and drives back to Haddonfield (because I would totally figure a ten-year-old who has been locked up for seventeen years can drive a semi). He is somehow able to easily track down the couple who adopted his baby sister. Why not, he is a sociopath. That almost makes me want to be a sociopath. I said almost. The characters were great. I really liked how his family sucked and that is what put him over the edge. I liked seeing Loomis and Michael’s interaction until he breaks out. I loved what happened at the end but I won’t tell you that because it differs from the original a little and I don’t want to give you any more than I have to.

The character placement was exceptional and I found myself rooting for Michael at every turn. The movie was gritty like a 70’s exploitation movie, which, thanks to Quentin Tarantino, is making a come back. I think it will lose its gritty appeal when too many people start doing it. Boobs…there were some hot ones in this. The sister had nice ones, and the girl from Halloween 4 & 5 was poppin’ her boobs the whole second half of the movie. Yes she does have some nice ones, mmmmmm mmmmmm (that’s the sound Mr. Herbert makes from Family Guy). No one had droobs or draggers, they were all nice a perky and headlights on high beams. Now to my favorite part, the gore! It was unbelievable how real the scenes were. They were scripted beautifully and there was a perfect combination of blood, gore and hot nasty death.

Rating: 21. I would have given this a higher rating but I was a little turned off by the language used in the movie. It was like listening to my next door neighbors when they have a party. I felt a little dumber when it was over because of that. Also, you have to remember we are talking about a remake of one of the genre’s defining movies for trying to kill pure evil. It was worthy to stand on its own and it did answer some weird questions, like; where did Michael get the coveralls? Why does he wear a mask? And where in the blue hell did he get that mask? (21of25).

Halloween (1978)

Director: John Carpenter

Writer: John Carpenter, Debra Hill

Tagline: The Night HE Came Home!

Actors: Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, Nancy Kyes, P.J. Soles, Charles Cyphers, Kyle Richards, Brian Andrews, John Michael Graham, Nancy Stephens, Arthur Malet, Mickey Yablans, Brent Le Page, Adam Hollander, Robert Phalen, Tony Moran

Runtime: 1h 31m

Category: Slasher

Synopsis: Psychopathic killer, Michael Myers has been institutionalized for fifteen years. On Halloween night he breaks out of the sanitarium and sets out for Haddonfield, IL where he grew up. Michael begins to stalk Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) and brutally slaughters everyone in his path except the only one who seems to care about him, Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasance). You quickly realize that Michael is after Laurie for a reason, but can the good doctor stop Michael before he finishes his task on Halloween?

Review: Loved it. I have been watching horror for a long time and I loved a few key things about this movie. First off, it really felt like this could happen anywhere. What I mean is not that a psychopath could dress up like that, drive a car and brutally kill a bunch of people and not get killed when stabbed in the eye or neck and shot four times; but that for 3/4 of the movie seemed like he was just a nut job stalking and killing people. In the sick twisted world we live in now is that really such a far out concept? John Carpenter did a brilliant job of drawing you into the story by adding three cute lead and supporting actresses. The only pair of boobs you don’t see in the move are Jamie Lee Curtis’. Her rackage remains hidden here. Her two friends are, in one hand, happy to show them off, and in the other hand, ready to get it on. Don’t they know better? Apparently not! When I found out that Laurie was Michael’s sister I was blown away. That was a great plot twist. It made it more personal for the characters.

We were without when it came to the blood. There was little blood but the death scenes were great. For a low budget movie in 1978 they kept you in the story without a ton of unnecessary blood and gore. Don’t get me wrong, I love that too but if something can get you into it without that other stuff that is quite impressive. Since we are all desensitized to blood and gore, it seems that we need more and more with each new slasher flick. It was great to be drawn in by the lack of it.

Rating: 23. Scream Queen Curtis is top notch while demanding that the children follow her orders and tries to survive the onslaught that is the indestructible Michael Myers. I was thoroughly impressed by the acting and since I totally dig Donald Pleasence it worked out to my advantage. I recommend getting this if you have been under a rock for thirty years or if you are just at the ripe age where this kind of movie is an option. See this before you see the remake by Rob Zombie. (23of25).

Antropophagus (1980)

Director: Joe D'Amato

Writer: Joe D'Amato, George Eastman

Tagline: ...He's coming for you

Actors: Tisa Farrow, Saverio Vallone, Serena Grandi, Margaret Mazzantini, Mark Bodin, Bob Larsen, Rubina Rey, Simone Baker, Mark Logan, George Eastman, Zora Kerova

Runtime: 1h 30m

Category: Slasher

Synopsis: A group of tourists find themselves stranded on an uninhabited island being stalked by a deranged killer. He has already killed the entire island town and is lying in wait for some stupid tourists to come bumbling along. Oh look…there’s some now!

Review: The reason the synopsis is so short for this review is not because I didn’t like the movie…even though I really didn’t. But it does have its moments and I have to give some credit along the way. But the actual reason for the simplicity of the synopsis is because of the simplicity of the story. One thing our predecessors of the horror genre knew how to do was develop a simple story that everyone can follow. You start to get too complex and the viewer gets lost, and eventually gets bored because they have no idea what’s happening. This simple story is definitely one of those ones that knew what it was doing; gross, creepy, shock value.

The story essentially follows this friend-group of tourists while some deranged madman picks them off one by one. And just as a side note, this movie would be a great opportunity to practice trying to figure out who the hero/survivors are. We get only a short, almost meaningless, forty-five second clip of the killer’s past that shows him, his wife and son lost at sea on a raft. After their son apparently dies, he tries to convince her to eat him. A struggle ensues leaving his wife dead…that’s it. I think that it was probably my least favorite part of the story because you get people’s hopes up thinking they’re gonna get a flashback explaining WHY this guy feels the need to kill and entire island town, and then some, and WHY he can’t be stopped. The plot holes and concept just threw me for a loop and made my head hurt.

The acting was pretty good except for the character of the killer. I don’t understand why they decided to make the killer look like and a bulimic hillbilly had a homo-love child with Don King and Freddy Krueger…with thyroid problems, poor oral hygiene, and the worst people skills I’ve ever seen since Naomi Campbell. I just thought that the character, NOT the actor, was too boring and lifeless. But all of the other actors did a good job…people back in the day, which, according to Mr. Dane Cook, was a Wednesday, knew how to act. You actually had to know how to act to star in a movie. Now-a-days, all you have to do is either know somebody, or put out for a director or producer. It’s sad how far we’ve fallen…hail to the olden days!

The gore and effects were not as bad as I thought they were gonna be. I was expecting some mediocre catsup-blood and some one-inch, catsup-blood covered rope. But the gore was pretty decent and have to give mad props to one scene that shocked me in Dark Corners (2006). They could have easily taken the scene right out of the movie it was so dead on. I’m talking about the scene where the killer takes the baby out of the pregnant chick…I will say no more. Major props for that scene, even by today’s standards that’s pretty messed up.

Rating: 16. Even though this is considered somewhat of a classic, I must be fair and say that yes, there were scary parts that got to you, and yes, there were parts that by all rights of the day should have been banned but, when your nemesis has no depth or dimension at all to speak of…it gets a little shallow. I must say that this movie was very well done with the obvious exception of the aforementioned. So please, if it’s a rainy day, and it’s late, and it’s on TV…watch it. (16of25).

The Evading (2007)

Director: Rick L. Winters

Writer: Rick L. Winters

Tagline: It's coming for you...

Actors: Jason Adkins, Olivia Alsept-Ellis, Bob Bishop, Bob Bishop III, Scott Caster, George Dunn, Renee Gilbert, Akbar Kedear, Dixi Lee, Patrick Mackay, Hilary Mawindi, D'Angelo Midili, Brittany Quist, Jonathan Reis, Eric Riedmann, Darlene Sellers, Eric Stevens, Clint Tibbits

Runtime: 1h 38m

Category: Creature, Nightmare, Supernatural

Synopsis: Josh Carter has fallen into a deep depression after the loss of his wife. Every morning he wakes up and stands in front of his bay window remembering his final interaction with his beloved. But lately the memory seems to be changing…and a ghostly figure seems to be following him around. He sees “it” everywhere; in his house, on his computer screen at work, even in his car. One day his boss tells him that he knows what’s happening to him and that he should meet him at his house for some group thing. There, he tells Josh about the being that following him and that “it” has been around since before recorded time. No one really knows what “it” is, but one of the group members claims to have wounded it. Now “it” is after all of them and it doesn’t seem to want to stop. One by one the group members meet their demise until the truth about Josh’s true past is revealed.

Review: I found out about this movie on MySpace. The official MySpace page for the movie asked to be my friend and I did a little research. I thought that the trailers all looked really cool and the cover art is pretty sweet. So, once it came out…I found it. And…as you may have guessed…I loved it! This is one of the best indi films I’ve seen in a long time. The camera work is not all that amazing, but I’ll get to that later. For right now, just know that this movie is gonna make waves.

The story is a little bit confusing for the average viewer. It’s really confusing for those of you who are not necessarily…uh…horror-savvy. But overall I thought that the story was very well thought out and was compelling throughout. I liked how Josh’s memory of his last moment with his wife changed throughout the story. It gave it that little something extra to keep you wondering. And do you know what sets this extraordinary movie apart form ordinary movies? It’s that little extra. Yes, that’s a movie quote. If you’re not gonna keep up…go home.

Anyway…

From the start I had originally thought that the hooded figure was The Angel of Death, and I still kinda think it is. But from reading more information about the movie on the website, I think the write/director meant for the figure to be what some people call a “shadow figure” or “shadow person”. I dug a little deeper and found out that shadow people are supposed to be those things that you see out of your peripheral vision that look like people, but when you turn to look nothing was ever there. These apparitions are perceived to be a couple different things; 1) a being that lives on another vibrational plane that is similar to ours that only exists in some quasi-dimensional parallel universe, 2) they’re ghosts, or 3) they are a complete figment of our imaginations due to the refraction of light off of the iris. I’m gonna go with door number three. Choose what you will…but choose wisely.

The acting was not bad…it was actually pretty good. I was expecting to have to horribly bash this area but was pleasantly surprised to not have to. The actors were able to capture almost every emotion and convince the viewer of such. I gotta hand it to Winters who directed this flick, he knows how to put together a good movie with a cast that can do the job right. That little girl though…she gave me more creeps than that little freak from The Ring (2002). Not as much as those brats from The Shining (1980) though. She did an excellent job as did her make-up artist. Bravo Olivia…bravo.

The effects were my favorite part of the movie. I loved how they made the figure fluid; almost liquid in the air. I also loved the effects used to accelerate time and the ones used to distort the viewer’s perception of reality. This effects director deserves major credit for putting this viewing experience together with almost flawless continuity. The only thing I would have liked to see is some ballsier camera work. It seemed like most of the shots were done with a stabilized camera that didn’t want to or wasn’t supposed to move. That’s really my only complaint.

Rating: 23. Overall I thought this movie was absolutely awesome. It’s one of those flicks that comes out straight to DVD, gets little recognition, after a while gathers and underground following, then explodes into a classic. I know I am building it up quite a bit but, it was just very well done! Apart from the camera work, I also would have cut down a bit on Olivia’s script weight. For the type of character she was playing, less is more. Think of it like this; those two girls from The Shining (1980) spoke once and scared an entire generation, Samara from The Ring (2002) didn’t talk at all, and if she would have, I would have pissed in my pants…and nobody can do anything about it! So…I would suggest that if you have Netflix or Blockbuster’s Total Access package, that you should take time out of your day and rent this movie…yes, go out of your way to rent this one. (23of25).

Reaper - 101 - Pilot

Director: Kevin Smith

Writer: Tara Butters, Michele Fazekas

Actors: Bret Harrison, Ray Wise, Missy Peregrym, Rick Gonzalez, Tyler Labine, Valarie Rae Miller, Kyle Switzer, Allison Hossack, Andrew Airlie, Christine Willes, Donavon Stinson

Original Air Date: September 25th, 2007

Runtime: 45m 30s

Category: Comedy, Demon, Devil, Fantasy

Synopsis: Today is Sam’s twenty-first birthday and so far things have not started out normal. His parents are overly affectionate and his mom seems to be very worried about him. Ignoring them as much as any twenty-one-year-old can ignore their parents, he heads off to work with his buddy Sock. Strange things begin to happen as he saves his beloved Andi, a chick he works with but is afraid to ask out, from a falling air conditioner. He dives over her pushing the mammoth device out of the way, saving her life. Sam takes Sock to the back for a chat and explains to him that he thinks something is very wrong.

After leaving work early, Sam comes home to his father, who is waiting for him. He explains that before he was born, his parents sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for his father’s health. Now really freaked out, the Devil actually decides to show up and tells Sam that he is gonna be Hell’s bounty hunter. With the help of Sock as his sidekick, Sock’s ex as his info informant, and Ben…well, we’re actually not sure what his deal is yet. All I can tell you is that this is gonna be one hell of a show! Do not miss it! Tuesdays at 9pm on The New CW.

Review: I was very skeptical at first and was a bit worried about this show. I thought that it was gonna be some cheap-ass rip off of Ghost Rider (2007) and Ghostbusters (1984). Well kiddies…I was wrong! I think foreign objects actually came out of my nose as I gasped for air while I was laughing. The show is cleaver, funny as all hell, and a great twist on the soul-capturing story. I think that this show, especially while being directed by Kevin Smith, is going to be a huge success.

The story itself is funny as hell. I loved that Sam’s parents sold his freakin’ soul to the freakin’ Devil! That’s funny! And the fact that Sam ended up being a kind of superhero is even more awesome; he’s got his girl, his sidekick, his informant, and Ben…who I think is going to be their gadget-man. Every superhero needs a gadget-man…except Superman…he can do that shut on his own. Anyway, this is a classic story with a modern-day twist that is sure to leave you revved-up and aching from laughter.

The acting was, actually…really good. I was surprised at first…then I realized that Kevin Smith doesn’t half-ass a project. I figured, in the back of my mind, that he would make sure only the best would take part in this show; I was right. The acting was almost pin-point spot-on with reaction time, visual emotions, and character development. I’m very much looking forward to seeing how their next mission pans out.

The script was…oh my God…funny as hell! Like I said above, Kevin Smith doesn’t half-ass. This script was funny as could be with just enough emotion to make you feel the character’s pain and still be a comedy. I don’t think I’ve seen a script this good in a long time. The last script I can think of that was this good, quality as well as funny, was Shaun of the Dead (2004). I mention that because I noticed many similarities between Sock and Ed; both heavy-set, both the comic relief, both always have something cleaver to say, both loyal friends, and both can get annoying to the hero. If there is going to be any character development with Sock…it will be small; his character’s almost perfect the way is. Major kudos for the character personalities.

The effects and action were very good as well. I noticed that the sequences where the Fireman was torching the street looked a lot like the effects from The CW’s other show, Smallville. That’s not a bad thing mind you; I’ve seen multi-million dollar motion pictures that can’t hold a candle to Smallville’s SFX. That just means that the effects were really well done…and the next time I have to explain this, you’re getting a time out…for fifteen minutes. TIME OUT!

Rating: 23. I think that if they would have expanded Ben’s character a bit it would have done nicely. He just seemed to “be there”; no purpose or anything. That’s why I think he might be their gadget-man; he’s gotta have something to do. The other thing that tickled me was Sam’s physiology when using his telekinesis. I didn’t like the whole hand shaking thing; it just seemed hoaky. If the character development allots him more telekinetic practice then I understand…it just looked more funny than cool. But that’s pretty much it; I loved the episode and can’t wait until the next one. This is going to be a wonderful series! (23of25).

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

Director: Russell Mulcahy

Writer: Paul W.S. Anderson

Tagline: Experimentation...Evolution...Extinction

Actors: Milla Jovovich, Oded Fehr, Ali Larter, Iain Glen, Ashanti, Christopher Egan, Spencer Locke, Matthew Marsden, Linden Ashby, Jason O'Mara, Mike Epps, Joe Hursley

Runtime: 1h 35m

Category: Outbreak, Video Game, Zombie

Synopsis: After the world has been almost completely decimated by the T-Virus, Alice goes rogue in search of the last Umbrella test facilities. She eventually meets up with a nomadic brigade of survivors led by Claire, a military-like leader. They band together and head into downtown Vegas in search of gasoline, only to be ambushed by Dr. Isaacs’ new T-Virus mutations that are stronger and more intelligent. Alice fights to stay free of Umbrella control and save her new friends. They eventually locate one of the test facilities and break in, only to find a more evil and powerful menace waiting just beyond the threshold. Is Alice powerful enough to defeat this new monster, or will she die trying? All I can tell you is that the ending will both shock and exhilarate you as we come to the conclusion of this action-packed series.

Review: I have been waiting for this movie for a long time. Ever since I heard rumors about its production I’ve been on the edge of my seat. Let me tell you…it did not disappoint! If you like zombies, guns, and lots of action, this movie is for you! This is a must see for fans of the Resident Evil movie series.

The story took some odd twists that even I was not expecting. I did like the new direction they took; leaving the video game behind and making a new series. From what I’ve been told, this series has deferred severely from the original video game series. I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. Most of the video games now-a-days have videos already on them to tell the story. Not that that’s always enough but, it’s always nice to have some differentiation. But enough of that. The story was well played and pleasantly presented. I really liked the development of the Alice character into a super-human being. I have always wondered about having a superhero that fights zombies…now I don’t have to. The development of her telekinetic abilities was one of the things that excited me the most; it gave her an almost invincible quality. Entertaining to say the least.

The acting was not that bad. Most big-budget pictures are able to overthrow their actor’s shortcomings with high-intensity special effects…this one didn’t have to. I thought that the acting was par for the movie and complimented it well. There is not a whole lot more to say in this area but, I gotta say, whoever trained Ms. Jovovich on her martial arts did an good job. I don’t know how much of that was CGI, or ropes and pulleys but, it looked really good. Kudos!

The special effects were fantastic. Even the CGI that was used was done very well, and you know how much I don’t care for CGI. But the effects were spectacular. One of my favorite scenes in the whole movie was the torching of the ravens; I thought that scene was one of the most visually beautiful I’ve ever seen. Major props to the Special Effects team…you guys are awesome!

The gore was standard for a RE (Resident Evil) movie. Nothing over the top, nothing disappointing…just a good clean family bloodbath! Can’t say that every day, can ya’? One thing I noticed and took note of was that the “arch enemy” took on a almost The Thing (1982) feeling. The whole costume, including prosthetics, was very reminiscent of Stan Winston’s early work. Very well done.

Rating: 24. I loved this movie and if The Boss, Mrs. Jonny Cage, decides to let me, I plan on buying this wonderful piece of cinema. If you are a fan of the RE series, even a mild fan, you are sure to love this movie. Take a couple friends, some cash mon-aaay, go to your local theatre, grab some Jujubes and a nice cold liter of cola, and sit back and enjoy this journey into a world of action-packed, shoot-‘em up, zombie fun! (24of25).

Unholy (2007)

Director: Daryl Goldberg

Writer: Sam Freeman, Daryl Goldberg

Tagline: They Know Who You Are.

Actors: Adrienne Barbeau, Nicholas Brendon, Siri Baruc, Richard Ziman, Cheyenne Casebier, Merwin Goldsmith, Susan Willis, Sean Bennett Geoghan, Joseph McKenna, Ron Patrick

Runtime: 1h 27m

Category: Thriller

Synopsis: After the unexpected suicide of her daughter, Martha and her son Lucas set out to unravel the mysterious happenings in their lives. A neighbor fills them in on a local legend named Lester Crouse, who was supposed to be the most infamous cultist of all time. It has been said that while working for Hitler, Crouse was experimenting on unwilling subjects in The Unholy Trinity (not to be confused with our definition): Time Travel, Invisibility, and Mind Control. The experiments are said to have continued throughout the years, even after the death of Crouse himself. But who could be running these horrible experiments? The government? Corporations? A rouge Nazi group? The answer will leave you speechless!

Review: I didn’t have any real hopes for this flick going into it. I had a slight idea of what it was about but was confused just by the description I read. Coming out as an independent horror movie with one of the sweetest cover arts I’ve ever seen lead me to want to love this movie. But…sigh…I didn’t. Not only did this movie make little to no sense, it made me feel stupid just watching it. I gotta say…Daryl, don’t quit your day-job.

The story was not too bad at first. It was compelling and intense; but about a quarter of the way through it started to make less sense than Anna Nicole’s speech pattern. I think that the writer tried way, way too hard to make a great idea into a movie. That being said, the concept was actually decent. I liked the idea behind the movie but the approach was just not right. There was just too much story for eighty-seven minutes! Not only that, some of it didn’t even make sense; like, what the hell was up with the whole torture thing? This crazy, Nazi, experimenter-guy tortures people then experiments on them? Or visa versa? Give me something to work with! There was absolutely no connection between the torture and the experiment…none. Thanks Daryl…you’ve destroyed a terrific idea…ass.

The acting was not too bad, probably the only thing about this movie I can’t really complain about. I did notice that Nicholas Brendon is still stuck in his Xander role from that insufferable Buffy show…good for you…you are living proof against evolution. But the acting wasn’t bad, just average. I will say though, it is always nice to see the lovely Cheyenne Casebier…so hot!

The gore and effects looked like something out of a video game. The “time rifts” or “ripples” or whatever the hell you want to call them, looked like some kind of CGI overlay; like it wasn’t even supposed to be part of the final cut. I think if they would have made it look more like the quicksand from Jumanji (1995) it would have been more convincing. Speaking of convincing…how about that gore, huh? Wow, such…uh…talent? Please. I’ve seen scarier things come out of my butt! Just a major load of, well, crap (no pun intended).

Rating: If I had to rate this steamer, which I do, I should give it the finger! But, since I’m objective, and slightly reactive, I have to be fair…no matter how much it hurts. Thus…10. This would have been a phenomenal movie if it would have been presented better. I loved that the movie ended where it started, that was dope, but the basic story was one of the only things that captured me. The other was the old news reels playing during the ending credits; that shut creeped me out and left a very rotten feeling in my gut. I liked the loop idea for the time travel but that was about it. I needed to be sold a horror movie and what I got was almost an hour and a half of a numb crack. Thanks Daryl, my ass is numb…happy now? Ass… (10of25).

Interview with Mike DiSario, Writer/Director of 'War of the Dead: Z.E.R.O.'

Joe Sena: Creator/Executive Producer
Mike DiSario: Writer/Director
Melissa Rubin: Producer

Jonny Cage (JC): Where did the idea start?

Mike DiSario (MD): Joe, Melissa, and I were working together developing and managing content for a website. Melissa and I have a history of working together and actually attended film school together many years ago. We met Joe during one of our funding adventures which turned out to be a nightmare and crashed and burned.

Years later Joe called us up to develop an idea he had been kicking around for awhile. The idea was the War of the Dead saga. The entire story will be represented in many different forms of media (i.e. a series of novels –the first of which I’ve written and is in editing/ rewrites, comics, a card game, etc.) we wanted to begin introducing the idea visually, with the web series.

Long story short, Joe pitched us his idea for a low budget zombie series. This idea involved very few people, possibly us, running around with a camera in a very basic “Cops” style show. Melissa and I loved the idea but not the approach. So, I sat down and wrote out a script (the teaser episode). He liked the approach I took on the script and a few weeks later we were preparing to shoot.

JC: Who/What are your influences?

MD: That’s hard to say. I will be the first to admit that I am not a horror junky. I enjoy horror movies when they’re done well and or really poorly (Check out Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) if you’ve never seen it) Because of this my influences are widespread.

I’m equally influenced by directors I admire (Orson Welles, Luc Besson, David Fincher, Tim Burton, Guillermo Del Torro, Julie Taymor), as I am by amazing performances from great actors. I find inspiration for my stories or shot choices from headlines in the news or photographs in a magazine. I can’t say any one person or thing is more influential on my work than another.

JC: What research have you done apart from what we see on the silver screen?

MD: As a self admitted nerd, I have taken the lore of the classic zombie and extracted what I felt was useful. I threw away some things that I thought were ridiculous. To fill in gaps and answer my own personal questions I turn mostly to science and logic. I’ve studied anatomy and biology, even some chemistry and applied these truths to what I think a zombie should be/ would be.

Sure, some people might have a problem with this approach, I accept and expect that. But, I think we are lucky enough to live at a time where many classical horror ideas are being rethought instead of regurgitated. Things like vampires, werewolves and zombies are being approached in a variety of different ways. Personally, I think that is what keeps the genre evolving and moving forward. I’m by no means saying I’m doing anything ground breaking; I think we’re just making these zombies a bit more of our own.

JC: Have you read Max Brooks’ book ‘The Zombie Survival Guide’? If so, what are your thoughts about the information given? Have you applied any of it to the story?

MD: I flipped through the book and enjoyed what I read. He really thought through many situations and circumstances and came up with logical conclusions on how to deal with the menace.

I did read World War Z and thought it was good. It was an interesting look and take on the classic zombie apocalypse. I have not applied any of those thoughts to the world I’m creating, though obviously there are some parallels that could be drawn. My only complaint would be that his approach was based on the Romero zombie model. There’s nothing wrong with this of course, I would just liked to have seen a more progressive take on an old specimen.

JC: Episode 1 seemed to take a while to release to the public, should we expect to wait that long for each episode?

MD: Yeah, sorry about that, there are a lot of things in the works right now. We’re planning to potentially shoot five more episodes back to back some point around January. If this comes to fruition, than we’ll have episodes being released in more regular, shorter intervals.

JC: Why not have all of the episodes already made, then air them, like the Devil’s Trade series on FEARNet.com?

MD: There are many obvious differences between Devil’s Trade and ZERO. Our production is a lot bigger and more involved. Our episodes are in some cases more than 5x as long. As I said we’re planning on shooting the rest of the “season” in one clip and having the episodes released quicker. This, unfortunately, depends on a lot of variables.

JC: Why Fangoria?

MD: Joe has had a long standing professional and personal relationship with Tony Timpone. From what I understand they went to high school together. So, when we started this venture it seemed only natural to get involved with them. The truth is that even though Joe and Tony are friends, he owed us nothing. He wasn’t out to do us favors but, he does believe in the show and it’s potential.

JC: How is it working with one of the most influential ‘horror news’ mediums out there?

MD: Tony and Mike Gingold have been nothing but supportive of us and the series. As a matter of fact, Tony was one of the first people to watch the show. We screened it for him in the Fangoria office meeting room. I have to say it was nerve racking to sit there with him, as nice and friendly as he is, while he watched it. It was a relief to see him laughing and enjoying himself as the teaser episode played out. He was impressed with the quality and made it a point to attend the screening of the first episode at the Weekend of Horrors. While I, unfortunately was unable to attend it myself. I heard Tony and Mike started a standing ovation. It’s a great feeling when two people with such knowledge and exposure to the industry enjoy our show as much as they seem to.

JC: How much publicity has the series been getting?

MD: The series has been getting a good amount of recognition. We had an entire page dedicated to us in Fangoria Magazine as well as online praise. We have gotten unexpected praise from certain forums. We found articles on the show in other languages and fans from other countries. What is most pleasing to me personally is the fans feedback. We have come across people on MySpace that have ZERO listed as their favorite show. We’ve gotten E-mails saying how much people like it because it’s not what they expected it would be. Maybe that’s what is most satisfying to me. That people enjoy it because it’s a show with zombies and not a show about zombies. They are becoming attached to the characters, quote the lines, and want to see what they get into next. As a writer that makes me smile.

JC: Even though the series is still in its infantile stages, any plans for a movie?

MD: I’ve heard rumors…

JC: Could we be expecting a DVD of the series in the late future?

MD: If all goes according to plan you can expect to see something by the end of the summer ’08.

JC: Online only or full retail?

MD: We’re in negotiations.

JC: Is a season two already in discussion?

MD: We locked ourselves in a room one day and planned out the series story line which will stretch for as many seasons as we’re able to do. You’ll begin to see reoccurring themes and ongoing character arcs which started in the last episode (Episode 1). We have all the episodes set for this season and I’ve already begun writing them. The places that you’ve seen ZERO go and the situations that they’ve gotten into are nothing compared to where they’re headed. It’s going to be as much fun to make as it will be to watch.

JC: What are your plans to keep the story alive and away from becoming redundant?

MD: Because there is a bigger, more complex story attached to ZERO the chance of it becoming stale is minimal. If it were a series of vignettes you would have nothing to follow. No stories carrying over, no real character development, just mission after mission. Though it would be entertaining it wouldn’t be very engaging in the long run and people wouldn’t be drawn back. The stories we’ve created are intended to draw the viewer in. Like I said, you’ll have to wait and see.

JC: Could we expect more quarrels between the members of Z.E.R.O. and local law enforcement?

MD: Possibly, the ZERO team that the show focuses on is a rowdy bunch.

JC: Are we going to get a back story on the characters?

MD: Because my aim is always to focus the show on the characters we are going to see every side of them. They are our heroes but, as with all people, they’re flawed. This being the case they become more real and viewers can identify themselves with the characters.

JC: Are we going to get the story on how the outbreak began?

MD: In the show and the novel we never give a detailed explanation of the outbreaks inception. We think keeping it vague and hinting at various reasons without beating people over the head is the best thing to do.

JC: Are we going to see more ZERO members?

MD: The show focuses on one ZERO team but in reality there are dozens and dozens of teams. In future episodes you’ll meet members of other teams and even see some of them in action.

JC: Who is your favorite character?

MD: I can’t answer that, the actors would kill me! I’m just kidding. I don’t have a favorite. I love Gellow (Andrew) because he’s an obnoxious asshole in an endearing way. I love Justin (Don) because of his leadership and compassion- and for reasons you’ll soon see-. I love Tara (Dina) for her impossible mix of vulnerability and strength. I love Jones (Sean) for all his mysterious complexities.

The strange thing about writing a series or really developing a character in any medium is that, at a certain point, you stop controlling them. You find you no longer tell them what to do or where to go. They come to life and you realize you’re no longer guiding them. You place them in a situation and they react as they would naturally. You can’t force it or push them one way or another. You become an onlooker merely chronicling the journey.

Then when that comes off the page you shoot the script and you take in the actors’ strengths and their choices with the characters. Sitting and writing the next episode becomes more complex because now you’re dealing with two separate personalities –that of the characters and the actors- and then meld them into a more believable, living, breathing piece of autonomy. It’s a journey and experience that’s difficult to explain and very personal to each writer. Many times I’ll be just as excited to see how a scene is resolved as the viewer is.

JC: Any plans for cameos? Can I suggest Bruce Campbell?

MD: Bruce Campbell? Bruce? Are you out there reading this? We love you! Please do our show! We are in talks with a few people. I don’t want to ruin anything. You’ll just have to see who pops up along the way.

JC: Were there any scenes in particular that stick in your mind?

MD: At the end of episode 1 there is a scene where the boys (Don, Andrew and Sean) are bullshitting as usually and stepping over the bodies. The way the scene was originally written was that they were merely walking down a hallway talking. On location while watching the rehearsal we decided to mix it up to give the scene a little more impact. I asked Alice (SFX) to quickly make up some more zombies (which after 12 hours of shooting she wasn’t thrilled about) and had them lay down in various areas so they would be reached at key points of dialogue. Then I wanted to play with it a step further and have them putting a few more shots into them as them moved past. As Andrew put it, it was like live theater. We were just flowing with it, making things up, feeling out the scene. Everyone was caught up in the momentum of making the scene as we were shooting. In the end I believe this scene, which was originally strictly a walk and talk, became a fun and memorable moment in the episode. Plus who doesn’t like zombies getting shot in the head repeatedly?

JC: Just out of curiosity, how many FX artists did you interview or entertain before choosing your current? Or did you already have someone in mind before inception?

MD: None, we asked for recommendations from people we knew and a close friend of ours gave us Alice’s info. We took a look at her portfolio, met with her and that was it. We clicked right away. That’s the way it was with most of the crew. These people are professionals at what they do. What it comes down to for Melissa and I is who we get along with. You have to take into account that someone may be slightly more skilled than someone else but sometimes you know you’re just not going to get along with them. After the ten hour mark on a set people’s true personalities come out to play and sometimes they’re not so pretty. We were careful to choose people who we knew would mesh well and we are now a family.

JC: What about actors?

MD: We had over a hundred people come and read for the parts. What it came down to was chemistry. During callbacks we had different actors sit in a room in different configurations. It wasn’t until we put the current cast together that we felt like we had a cohesive group. They really are good friends and I think you can see that in the show.

JC: At any point in time, before, during, or even after the creation of the teaser, has there been doubt about the series’ success?

MD: There are always doubts. I’m very hard on myself and my work, perhaps to a fault. The true test of any production is to watch it in a room full of strangers. That’s when you’ll get the truth. When we premiered at ICON with the teaser it was uplifting and a huge relief to hear everyone laugh and cheer. We were happy with the show personally, but it wasn’t until after the crowd stayed (over 100 people) to ask us questions and get autographs, that we realized what we had was special.

JC: What snags have you run into?

MD: None yet **Knocks on every piece of wood in a ten mile radius**

JC: Have you run into any budget trouble?

MD: Thankfully, Melissa tends to keep that information away from me. We work with the budget we’re given and thus far have stretched every cent to make the production value soar.

JC: In our many conversations, I’ve noticed an uncommon willingness to help the little guy; whether it be advise, or adding an up incoming review site’s banner on your MySpace, or offering an exclusive interview, or simply responding to a fan’s emails. From the director of a horror web-series…why the attention?

MD: You’re right. Interview over. If you post this I’ll have my lawyers punch a lawsuit through your face.

Actually, I’m as surprised by your reaction just as much as you seem to be surprised by mine. So I direct a horror web series? So what? What if I was directing 100 million dollar studio films (My phone line is never busy Mr. & Mr. Weinstein)? Does that mean I can’t be bothered with other people? I’m not better than anyone else, believe me, I do what I do and appreciate your support and loyalty to the show. It is only fair that I support what you do, whatever it may be, and help you out if I can.

In my outlook there are no little people or big people. There are sometimes annoying people and I ignore them. For the most part, I don’t see a hierarchy.

JC: At what age did you view your first horror movie? What was it?

MD: My brother tied me down when I was younger, don’t know what age, and made me watch A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). For a while soon there after I had many a nightmare. For this I will never forgive him.

JC: What is your favorite horror movie?

MD: There are so many. I love the Evil Dead series and Dead Alive (1992). Those are definitely on the top of the list.

JC: Zombie movie?

MD: My favorite zombie movie might just be the re-make of Dawn of the Dead (1978). It was so well done. I really have never seen a zombie movie that I didn’t like though.

JC: What would you like to say to the people who are just now getting into the series?

MD: The series is going to take the “zombie story” places it’s never gone and do things with it that have never been done. Keep watching!

I would just like to thank Mike for taking the time to do this interview and for being so damn thorough! You guys are awesome and on behalf of the entire Jonny Cage’s Horror Movie Reviews crew and our readers…THANK YOU!